I know that self-work never stops, and that it's a lifelong process.
I know that traumas are to be worked on. That everyone has trauma.
But I'm so tired, so, so tired. I want to be a person. I want to live. I don't want to be constantly watching myself. I don't want to be constantly fixing myself. I'm not broken, for God's sake. I'm wounded yes, but does that make me unworthy of simply being?
Does that make me undeserving of some peace? Of rest? Of fucking around a little because I'm just so desperate for a bit of a breather when all I do is grind down the healing route. Hell I'm starting to feel this is wounding me even more. All this pathologization, psychologization, psychobabble, pathology babble that may or may not exist. I'm so sick of it. I haven't been to therapy in more than a month.
Because I'm so sick of it all. I don't want to die but the idea of doing more of this makes me want to kill myself. Because I will never get there. I know it. Nobody ever succeeds at it because there is nothing we can do to be perfect. It's taking all the joy I have "worked for". You're at a better place than a few years ago? Well tough luck bud, you gotta work more.
It's not that I don't want to get better.
I just cry for some respite.
I cry to be understood for a bit.
To be allowed to feel.
To be allowed to cry, and to overthink, nevermind that you fucking hate it, and to be allowed to just be my messy self for a little while because I want to vomit at all the therapy speak I hear.
From my ex.
From the internet.
From everyone.
From my colleagues.
From whoever the fuck has invented this shit.
From the one my heart is set on, herself. Yeah.
Someone drowning in the waters of the poverty-stricken South Pacific is drowning just as much as someone who is drowning in richer Europe.
You have your upbringing and what you've been through, my warrior. But pain is pain. And while my body isn't letting me down like yours is, it's my heart and mind that are.
It's in moments like this I just think of pulling the plug on myself. Because no matter how much you do, you're never good enough. You always have to "fix" yourself. You always have to "work on yourself". And whatnot.
I don't even want to live if life is just an endless grind like that.
Is it a crime that I want to rest for once?
To be out of this therapy/healing/self-improvement/WHATEVER THE FUCK grind for a hot minute?
I know that traumas are to be worked on. That everyone has trauma.
But I'm so tired, so, so tired. I want to be a person. I want to live. I don't want to be constantly watching myself. I don't want to be constantly fixing myself. I'm not broken, for God's sake. I'm wounded yes, but does that make me unworthy of simply being?
Does that make me undeserving of some peace? Of rest? Of fucking around a little because I'm just so desperate for a bit of a breather when all I do is grind down the healing route. Hell I'm starting to feel this is wounding me even more. All this pathologization, psychologization, psychobabble, pathology babble that may or may not exist. I'm so sick of it. I haven't been to therapy in more than a month.
Because I'm so sick of it all. I don't want to die but the idea of doing more of this makes me want to kill myself. Because I will never get there. I know it. Nobody ever succeeds at it because there is nothing we can do to be perfect. It's taking all the joy I have "worked for". You're at a better place than a few years ago? Well tough luck bud, you gotta work more.
It's not that I don't want to get better.
I just cry for some respite.
I cry to be understood for a bit.
To be allowed to feel.
To be allowed to cry, and to overthink, nevermind that you fucking hate it, and to be allowed to just be my messy self for a little while because I want to vomit at all the therapy speak I hear.
From my ex.
From the internet.
From everyone.
From my colleagues.
From whoever the fuck has invented this shit.
From the one my heart is set on, herself. Yeah.
Someone drowning in the waters of the poverty-stricken South Pacific is drowning just as much as someone who is drowning in richer Europe.
You have your upbringing and what you've been through, my warrior. But pain is pain. And while my body isn't letting me down like yours is, it's my heart and mind that are.
It's in moments like this I just think of pulling the plug on myself. Because no matter how much you do, you're never good enough. You always have to "fix" yourself. You always have to "work on yourself". And whatnot.
I don't even want to live if life is just an endless grind like that.
Is it a crime that I want to rest for once?
To be out of this therapy/healing/self-improvement/WHATEVER THE FUCK grind for a hot minute?
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