Holy mother of-

 I calculated my great-grandmother's birth chart out of curiosity. I wanted to run a synastry with great-grandfather to see if there was anything in common with the one I have with Hopoe. (I was about to publish this saying I didn't have their birth times, but their birth certificates are in archives publicly accessible!! Yippee!!)

Great-grandmother had a... Moon in Cancer.

CONJUNCT MINE BY A GODDAMN DEGREE. 26 degree Cancer, mine is 27 degree.

I am fucking reeling. 

My damn great-grandma who's been living rent-free in my head since forever and who I never got to know has the same moon sign as me and on top of that, her moon is right next to mine??

And I found out she lost both parents as a child. Father at 2, mother at 5. I don't even want to imagine how it felt for such a little girl.

Then her brother in WW1, at age 9. 

And then she married great-grandfather at 23, in 1932.

I don't remember which cancer got her but ye, she died of it in the summer of 1945.

***

She had a near-anaretic (28°) Scorpio rising, Libra sun, Libra Mars conjunct my Ascendant... this is loaded shit.

Her Venus in Virgo in my 12th house...

Also, she had an 8th house Moon and Neptune, and Vertex, too... My own Moon is in my 10th, and my Neptune is conjunct Mars in Aquarius in the 4th. 

Great-grandma, were you... always a bit out of this world already?

I'm not even surprised that it was so short... if you see what I mean.

That said. You would've been 101 when I was born. Don't think we would've had a lot of time. 

***

I was unfortunately unable to find my great-grandfather's birth certificate as it appears his village is not sharing it online like that, but... 

...looks like great-grandma was waiting for me.

About the synastry, I could only see that his Mars and Saturn in Aries are in her 4th house, and that his Venus is on her Chiron.

His North Node in her 7th house. Hopoe's is also in mine. Mine sits in her 8th house, alongside my Moon. My Sagittarius stellium falls into her 12th. 

There is Mars-Saturn in the 4th with Hopoe and I but it's in the composite...

...that said, I feel that.. it's gone beyond the synastry sleuthing at this point.

I think... maybe someone revealed herself when it was time.

On Halloween evening, out of all evenings, lol!

***

Great-grandma, are you one of my guides, by any chance?...

A secret kept

There's something a bit concerning... but also, sort of comforting about Hopoe for me.

During all my illness I could not think of her. It was too stressful. It was so much. I could barely. But now that I feel better, it's back. It's still unending, still there, just... it was buried under the fight against the virus, and then the post-viral recovery. It takes perhaps a lot of energy to keep her here, but I don't mind. It's a flame that is hidden in a basement that I still tend to, and will.

For one evening or so, even looking at my tattoo triggered me. But I'd rather have the tattoo than my suicide attempt scars, and now, it's okay. I think I was just overloaded. Plus, if by any chance I were to be a little sensitive, I can wear long sleeves. I literally forget I have six tattoos when I wear long clothing lmao. And I dearly love that tattoo on my right arm. It's the way I have of keeping this story alive without ever saying a word about it.

Because yes... the concerning part is, I even have trouble writing about what happened. About her. I'm entering a phase when I cannot mention her name (guess her alias on here acts as a buffer since it puts... distance between her actual self and the memory? happens for everyone really, all those codenames are really buffers... not just Nettiquette) 

I'm becoming just like my great-grandfather, mother's side. You see, my great-grandmother died in 1945 from cancer. She was thirty-five years old. My grandfather was ten years old. I mentioned here that he lost his mom at ten. He never spoke of his mom, but I'm talking about my great-grandfather because while he did remarry and have girlfriends... he also never said her name again. He kept her tucked away, somewhere.

I can't even imagine how awful it must have been for both of them. My great-grandma is a mystery because... nobody talks about her anymore, or rather, the two people who could have are both dead now. Great-grandfather died in 1993, grandfather died in a car accident in 1988. 

Hopoe is that for me. I carry her in everything. In the unicorns in my room. In my dance practice because she's the one who led me to it, without realizing it, turning my curiosity about those roots into... into something I have become intertwined with. In some of my characters. In this blog. In my dreams, too. In many, many things. In the pearl I will never stop wearing. It's my signature necklace at this point and I think nobody would bat an eye at it. Nobody would guess that it's so loaded, charged with history. Father will brag about how the necklace HE wanted for me is around my neck all the time, but I, and Hopoe, too, know the truth.

It may have been his idea, yes, but I told her, back in the day. 

That it wasn't with him that I associated it. 

She knows. I don't know if she consciously remembers it (if anything, I expect to be a repressed memory for a little while, until I inevitably surface up because I'm just like that, y'know. I don't need to pop in and send a message nor move. I will be here). But she knows.

And I know.

We know.

And she happens to have the exact same necklace, inverted. Silver chain and black pearl.

The comforting part about me keeping silent, not ever saying her name, is that she's there, in here, never to be stolen from me. Never to die. Never having anyone to judge that. To think I'm insane, or "overly attached", or that I "cannot move on", or that she was "just a catalyst" and "not meant to stay" kind of bullshit, or whatever else I could get thrown at and that I'm used to from people who mean well but have never been in my shoes. I mean what else to expect from a world that expects you to "move forward" and "not dwell on the past" and throw people away like they never existed?

Back in the day I would've been totally accepted. What I do would've been normal.

I do what's normal.

***

But oh, Hopoe, jokes on you, you wanted to disappear by deleting everything after my attempt, and not only did you make a terrible strategic mistake when you tried to make me look like the crazy one... but little do you know, you're actually immortal. And immortal many times! On this blog, in my creativity, in my dance practice, in my goddamn arm tattoo! And you'll be even more immortal once you're dead. 

You signed up for something you had no idea about, but... you'll see in the end. ;) And that might be one of the purposes of all of it. I don't know what was intended, can't know til I'm dead... but I'll find out, I guess.

Tucked away, just like my great-gran was. I wonder how many people carry a secret like mine. Someone they still have with them, even if... externally, nothing would say it.

I don't know if I would tell someone that if she's living with me... she'll also live with someone, not someone physically present... but someone that inhabits the depths of my soul regardless.

This alone sounds like something to write about...

If I do go back to my psychiatrist, I will tell her that something traumatic caused my suicide attempts. But that I do not want to talk about it. No, I cannot, and I will not. 

Not ever.

Hopoe stays inside.

Only the tattoo speaks. Those who know the symbols... and those who know the tiare 'apetahi may realize a woman from Raiatea was involved.

My future readers may sense something. 

Hell, in my autobiography, if I ever make one... I might just... talk about it, with an alias, again. Alluding to her last name with a metaphor based on its meaning, but that's it.

Hopoe remains in what I don't say.

In this space where nothing seems to happen and yet everything does happen.

Until we meet again, that is. 

I wonder if it's the same for her. If I'm similarly tucked away, though in her case, yeah... I think I'd be sealed into an underground palace like the goddamn Shadow Queen lol. 

Birthday mixup

My notifications are disabled at the moment, but around 11:15ish, I checked my phone for whatever reason, and saw that people were wishing someone a happy birthday in the Whatsapp group.

...Imagine my surprise when I actually saw whose birthday Hikianalia was celebrating:

"Happy birthday to Hi'iaka and Edelweiss🤩🥰✨️🎂☀️🌺"

...Oh, blimey. Bloody mother of blimey.

My birthday is in a little less than a month. In 28 days, to be precise. A full lunar cycle away, and OBVIOUSLY NOBODY KNOWS. Not that I'd tell anyone, anyway. Who would I think I am to blather it out loud. 

So people wished both Edelweiss and I happy birthday... and I stood there awkwardly, phone on the table, trying to figure out how the hell I'm going to handle this.

(I had been meaning to name her for a while, but I never actually mentioned her on the blog because so far nothing of note involving her had occured. Guess this is our opportunity here!)

At first, I almost wrote "Thank you, but Hikianalia made a mistake", but I thought that it was a shitty idea. Why? Because it would make her lose face. It would draw attention to the fact that she made a mistake, rather than... well. The kind gesture. 

Seriously, she makes the effort to celebrate birthdays like this, puts out a joyful energy into the group, if I was doing the same and had someone say "mmh ackshually this is in a month for me", I'd be... well. I wouldn't be very pleased. And considering I know that she probably doesn't like to lose control of her image... 

I didn't want to embarrass her, so I sent her a DM immediately.

"Hikianalia, if this is me and not the other [real name] you're talking about, my birthday is at the end of November 🤭 not October... but since there are two of us..."

She reacted a few minutes later with a prayer emoji. I think she probably took it well. And I bet that it's more comfortable than awkwardly realizing that you made a mistake in public.

Later on, it's Edelweiss herself who wrote me a happy birthday. I immediately went to private messaging.

"Actually, Hikianalia got it wrong, my birthday's in a month, hehe. I let her know in private, didn't want to put her on the spot like that 🤭😅"

"Hello! Oh dear, it's a bit tricky, isn't it? 😅🤭"

Yeah, it is.

I don't know what I'm gonna do with all those birthday wishes. Guess it's a double happy birthday for Edelweiss, then.

But still lol. Lots of comical shit happening these days, between Malia and this...

Ai no Uta

 

Pulled out again, we'll follow you alone.

Today once again we'll carry, fight, multiply and be consumed.

Left alone again, we'll meet again and be thrown around again.

But we'll follow you forever.

I guess it's time to play.

Maybe we'll go out quietly.

Ah..., ah... falling in love...

Under that sky...

On this planet, where so many life forms live,

Today once again we'll carry, fight, multiply and then be consumed.

Uprooted, we'll gather, and be thrown.

But we won't ask you to love us.

I guess it's time to play.

Maybe we'll try harder.

Ah..., ah... falling in love...

Under that sky...

We'll work together, fight, and be consumed,

But we'll follow you forever.

We'll fight, be silent, and follow you,

But we won't ask you to love us.

***

Got sick of trying to beat this bitch of a Shadow Queen in TTYD (srsly, I have to sit through two painfully long cutscenes, no fucking way I'm doing it again until I've let some time pass! I tried going at her three times!), so I thought I'd play some other GC game. Dolphin enables me to get the best of the GC experience anyway.

I will probably replay The Wind Waker, Mario Party 5, Mario Kart: Double Dash, Twilight Princess (which I had on Wii!), Disney's Party, Finding Nemo... basically all my childhood games, though TTYD is my favourite, but I still downloaded a few titles I have never played yet. Star Fox Adventures, Luigi's Mansion, Super Mario Sunshine and... Pikmin.

I heard of Pikmin through my brother when I was a teenager, and a high school friend of mine, who is now a pharmacist, also loves Pikmin. (Despina having hearted my story when I showed a pic of my screen, I'm guessing she probably does love it too!) But I had never given it a chance. I was sort of indifferent to Olimar and the little critters...

...until a couple days ago, when I gave it a few-minutes try. But today, I actually played it for an hour or so, battling terrible PMS nausea caused by the cramps that I'm already having. 

Let me tell you, I love the game. I love exploring PNF-404. I love having my little critters take their... lozenges of food? (sorry lmao, this is making me think of throat lozenges...) back to the Onion... if that's what it's called in English... and spawning new ones.

And I gave this song a listen...

...Weird how it's something I could tell Hikianalia.

Uprooted again (leaving the base and going back to the south), I carry love, I fight my fears, and I am consumed by the joy of dancing.

Left alone by Cepheus' team...

I'll be thrown around again, probably... in the new group?

But I'll follow Hikianalia forever, in the sense that... well. For dance, it's still her that plays the star on the horizon that I sail towards. Regardless of if any conflict happens with my fellow dancers, it's Hikianalia who is the anchor point.

It's time to play, to dance...

...maybe I'll just go home quietly this time after class...

...I might fall in love with someone under that sky, but the falling in love part just might mean that I will keep gaining appreciation for her, and others. It's a sort of keeping falling deeper in love, but in a platonic way. 

So many lifeforms, so many personalities.

Uprooted, I will fight my fears, carry my love, and be consumed by love, I will gather with the others and spar, or just dance with them.

But Hikianalia, I won't ask you to love me.

...Mic drop.

...On the Internet, nobody knows Hi'iaka is a Pikmin.

TOP KEK.

***

Also daaamn, feels good having my mind fully back online after those weeks of having it dimmed by Covid! My body hasn't entirely got the memo yet, but I'm back online! 

Should download this track and play it in my car...

The funniest fucking plot twist ever

Ooooh... Malia.

OH, MALIA.

Who would've thought!

***

There's some guy with a Wallisian-sounding name always reacting to the publications of the dance school. Seeing him again and again got me a little curious, so I went to dig. Aka be Aka, Aka be bloodhound on the internet.

Oh! I see a lot of pictures with a woman who looks like Malia. They look like each other enough that they could be siblings but nope, lovers. And saying hello to the family on the Caillou, which is a slang term for Caledonia!

...I swear, the fucking back-and-forth between Vanuatu-Wallis-Caledonia... this one is impossible to pin down...

***

But the biggest plot twist is that... Malia may actually be way older than what I thought lmfao. I literally see pictures of her from 2011 and she apparently, if it's really her, has... two kids! And it appears the babies were born in 2011 and 2008-ish. 

...If Malia was, say, 18 in 2011, that would make her... 33 years old. 

If she was born between 1990 and 1993... she's literally in her mid-thirties.

I CAN'T LMAO-

I always thought she was in her twenties!! I thought she was a relatively shy twenty-something who kept at the back of the class because she might feel a little exposed, okay... but that would mean she's in her goddamn thirties? Dude also looks so young it's crazy. I genuinely thought they were siblings. I wouldn't guess dude is probably only a bit younger than she is, or her age. 

And she's married to him. Looking through photos searching her name in the reactions, I saw through a reply that she did use to have an account but it seems to have been deleted, and we have her maiden name "spouse [guy's name]". 

Married or at least was married as to 2023. He has not updated the profile pic since. 

Bruh.

Like holy shit I'm having the biggest laughter of my life at the moment. To think. It all. Started. When I. Had not the slightest goddamn idea idea if she was from fucking Vanuatu or from Wallis, then it sounds like she's a Caledonian Wallisian... (Vanuatu somewhere still plausible), then trying to find her when she's so conspicuously absent from social media and all this stuff and I only have a name and a second name to go off, I end up giving her a name on this blog because I was too pissed about having to use two words to refer to her, then my curiosity guiding me to this guy and... and there we go, to find out is older than I thought she was, has two kids, and is probably still married to this day.

Malie, malie, someone would tell me! In fact, this is partially why I attributed this name to her. It's because it sounds close to "malie, malie", which I thought meant "pretty, pretty", but nope, it basically means "bravo".

But ah... 

...ah, Malia. 

Malia, Malia, Malia...

...you're one difficult fucker to figure out, aren't ya?

I don't think someone has posed THIS much mystery since Hokulea's transgender identity bahaha. But hey, you can run free. If you're married, you're married. I ain't hopping on you. Especially not if you have children. 

Why? I can't do this to a kiddo. If you were divorced that would be a completely different thing, but if you're married, you're married!

***

Now, what else could I be sleuthing for...

***

edit: oh, actually found a new account by Malia, and she says where they live! Not far from me. Though said profile is still sort of empty, and appears she married him in 2020... 

...But is it the real date? Because I've seen several pictures that seem to indicate they at least had some ceremony before that.

Bah. Nevermind.

You may run free, Malia. 

***

edit #2: FUUUUTUNA!

I found yet ANOTHER profile of Malia's, that seems to have been hacked in 2015.

She is from a village called Leava, which is in southern Futuna, in the kingdom of Sigave! 

And writes terribly! Like straight up wrote a message to her friends in all caps with terrible spelling! MULTIPLE STATUSES LIKE THIS LMFAOOO... MALIA CAPS IS CRUISE CONTROL FOR COOL!! 

And is friends with the lady with the Chinese fan that I'll have to find her a name! Which explains why they were hanging out during one of the first classes I had with them!

BUT SINCERELY I THINK THE PEGASUS THING I INTUITED WAS SPOT ON HAHAHA!

Haha... haha...

***

...Thanks, Malia.

I wonder though if we'll ever get a chance to speak, even if, y'know. Not like this. I ain't doing this to your kids. 

If so, I will absolutely never tell you I made fun of you on my blog and I cracked the fuck up finding out you're married after five weeks being kind of fascinated with you. 

...It's been fun. Don't come back. ;)

Have a good day, kiss kiss, signed Hi'iaka.

A collective phase?

Looking for fellow diary bloggers, I found that there's actually a substantial community of Y2K style bloggers. 

But I don't know if I can take them seriously at all. Why? 

Their blogs have mostly been running since August-ish 2026. Most of them have only a few articles on them. They are full of cute aesthetics, look mostly similar or the same, and even their articles feel a bit performative. 

AND SO MANY HAVE THEIR SOCIALS LISTED IN THEIR BIOS AND SHIT.

Like girl, if you're gonna blog, first, be consistent, and second, the LAST thing you wanna do is be on TikTok and fucking flaunt it in your bio!

Because that just says something about you: that you've been doing it for show. For the trend. You're not actually interested in blogging, or in nostalgia (in fact half of you were too young to have been sort of conscious during the 2000s), you're romanticizing the old internet while doing very little to actually inhabit it.

I do have social media. I have Facebook and Instagram. Yes. But first: you will not find me there, unless it's under my pseudonym, and those accounts are basically sockpuppets. My profiles have my real self but... my real identity is something I purposely keep under wraps here, for good reason. I'm never listing my socials on here, unless perhaps it's something low-stakes I can stay anonymous on (was actually thinking about putting my jigsawplanet URL here! for fellow puzzle enjoyers...). I'm absolutely never revealing my face, only my shadow. This is how we used to do it back in the day.

Meanwhile you're out there posting influencer-like pictures on a Blogger blog that almost doesn't look like one anymore because like all those people on Neocities that make a super cutesy aesthetic site and abandon it within a year tops, you don't understand the point of the old Internet.

We were anonymous. We were talking about our lives without revealing too much. We posted pictures but hardly ourselves. Mom would always tell me to use a pseudonym. Now it's almost weird to do so. 

Influencers did not exist. There were a few net personalities, but that was it. No obviously TikTok-esque pictures or videos. Some posted their art but for the most part we did this on deviantART (RIP, knew the best days of this website!) or Newgrounds. 

Most of us bloggers were out there... blogging.

I just can't take some Y2K TikTok trend girl who is so obviously following a trend and not actually immersing herself seriously. 

It's all for show.

That said.

If you prove yourself to be truly in the move...

...then you'll have my respects.

Really.

Better look

It does look better this way, right?

Chose to have it be red and flowery rather than all black. It's still easy on the eyes and it's not overwhelming. Plus I added some CSS to make my articles' background a little darker but still transparent. 

I also spent a while reorganizing my tags this morning. Now you won't see everybody's name in the tags list on the sidebar, but instead I have only kept the main few and added links to the name directory as to be able to find any post where someone is mentioned and/or plays a role. Thought it would not just look better, but also be easier to navigate for myself and for just anyone who pops in here for... any reason. 

I wonder if anybody's been reading me, at all. I'd be curious to know and at the same time, I'm afraid that if I know I was watched, I wouldn't be able to write as freely as I've been doing the whole time this blog's been active. So... manifest yourself or not, I don't know.

Anyway. I didn't have a great night, thanks to my cat who stressed the living Jesus out of me right as I was trying to fall asleep. I remained for three hours in bed trying desperately to sleep until I felt I was going to have a heart attack and got up to drink tea. Woke my mom up... wish I didn't. But ye, sometimes my cat can get pretty... awful.

You never quite know when he's gonna act up, so you can't quite relax. On some evenings he's quiet, on others he just wrecks your night. 

That said it didn't prevent me from walking to the store to get some candies mom asked for, and petting the neighbourhood cats, and getting some sun. Because yes, there was a ray of sun, and it probably made the day waaaay easier for me!

Still... I need to rest. I'm no longer feeling as tired as when I had Covid, and I assume that if I had to have post-exertional malaise or if this shit were to devolve into ME/CFS or long Covid, it would've already showed signs. 

Even if normalcy feels scary.

Even if safety feels terrifying because I'm always terrified shit will go down and it's now even worse after my own body fell through my hands. 

I'm just always expecting to get sick and this has happened everytime I got sick, like after I had norovirus, I've always been expecting to have it again at the slightest headache or stomach discomfort.

It's been... 9 years since I had it. 

I'm literally sick once in a decade and a single instance can make me absolutely terrified for a stupid amount of time. 

But yes... I do hope my hunch is right. That if I had to deteriorate, I would have already. I'm at about 25 days post onset (if we count the onset as Friday, October 2 night, where I had the weird dream within dreams kind of thing, otherwise I'd be at 24 if it were Saturday, October 3). Just... it wouldn't take 25 days to pop up, right? Especially after a clearly trending upward trajectory?

I'm terrified of having my baseline ripped out from me again. I'm always terrified of having whatever I have taken away and leaving me suffering to the point I don't want to live anymore. I'm so afraid of never making it back to ori tahiti, or to have to stop for months and months on end, getting later and later. 

The one thing that makes me happy, ripped from me.

Because historically in my life the minute I was happy, it was taken away.

Cepheus' team. The golden days of August-September 2025. Hopoe. 

I don't want this anymore.

I do hope the half Xanax I took is gonna act well. 

Theme

 So, let's say I'm feeling like changing up my blog a little bit.

I do think I'll continue using a darker theme, as I find it easier on the eyes, but I could no longer stand the sans-serif and calligraphy fonts. And this pitch black background lol.

Don't know yet how my blog's gonna look like but consider this one in transition right now.    

No massive CSS coming. I'll keep this blog as unpretentious as it always has been. I did find a few ones with really cute stuff and a whole lot of graphics and whatever, but... that's not for me. Not only 'cus I hate coding, but also because... a blog like mine was never meant to be flashy and curated in the first place.

Copines

 

He told me, "Where you at? Let's meet at the hotel"

I don't give a damn, I need a real Joe

He saw my girlfriends, think he fancied one of them

I'm not your plan B, saw you watch her butt

I pick up your calls, "You think I wanna do her?"

I don't give a damn, I need a real Joe

Too late, too late

I'm too far ahead of you

Too late, too late

I'm too far ahead of you

But who is the hottest, hottest, hottest of my girlfriends?

Ah, my girlfriends, ah, my girlfriends

But you want the hottest, hottest, hottest of my girlfriends (Ah, no!)

Ah, my girlfriends (Ah, my girlfriends), ah, my girlfriends

You wanna bomb it all (Bomb, bomb)

Bomb it all, hey (Bomb, bomb)

You wanna bomb it all (Bomb, bomb)

Bomb it all, yeah (Bomb, bomb)

You're high, high, high only at night (Only at night)

You think I have your time, what does it look like? (What does it look like?)

Don't call me "mi amor" (Mi amor)

I crossed you out, but you still want some (You still want some)

You think you're aiming right

You're gonna need yourself an alibi

Too late, too late

I'm too far ahead of you

Too late, too late

I'm too far ahead of you

But who is the hottest, hottest, hottest of my girlfriends?

Ah, my girlfriends, ah, my girlfriends

But you want the hottest, hottest, hottest of my girlfriends (Ah, no!)

Ah, my girlfriends (Ah, my girlfriends), ah, my girlfriends

You wanna bomb it all (Bomb, bomb)

Bomb it all, hey (Bomb, bomb)

You wanna bomb it all (Bomb, bomb)

Bomb it all, yeah (Bomb, bomb)

Dude, you've done sunk

Aya bust'd you out

But you want the hottest, yeah, yeah (The hottest)

You-you want the freshest, yeah, yeah (The freshest)

Dude, you've done sunk (Sunk)

Aya bust'd you out (Busted)

But you want the hottest, yeah, yeah

You want the freshest, yeah, yeah

But who is the hottest, hottest, hottest of my girlfriends?

Ah, my girlfriends, ah, my girlfriends

But you want the hottest, hottest, hottest of my girlfriends (Ah, no!)

Ah, my girlfriends (Ah, my girlfriends), ah, my girlfriends

You wanna bomb it all (Bomb, bomb)

Bomb it all, hey (Bomb, bomb)

You wanna bomb it all (Bomb, bomb)

Bomb it all, yeah (Bomb, bomb)

You want the hottest, yeah, yeah (The hottest)

You want, you want the freshest

But you want the hottest, yeah, yeah

You-you want the freshest, yeah, yeah

But you want the hottest, yeah, yeah

You want the freshest, yeah, yeah

But you want the hottest, yeah, yeah

You want the freshest, yeah, yeah

***

Never thought I'd ever like or even post a song by Aya Nakamura but here we go, I guess.

Aya Nakamura reminds me of Esme so much. In the vibe, in the way she speaks, and in the way she looks at the camera. It's not the only song by her I actually kind of enjoy even though she's definitely not the kind of artist I usually listen to. I find her pretty physically though! Especially with that eyeliner.

Back when Esme and I hung out after my suicide attempt, most of the music she passed was from Aya, and to be fair, revisiting those songs... there's often something melancholic about them. They're super danceable and are made to be, I guess. But there's that underlying melancholy.

Like, Aya is so offhand about it, but the vocals and the melody on top of that apparently bouncy track sound... sad. 

And the lyrics ARE fucking sad. Her boyfriend is literally eyeing her girlfriends instead of her and she can totally see it and he still doesn't leave her. So she says k, too late, I'm the one leaving you.

But you want the hottest of my girlfriends. Not me.

Grrrr. 

Apparently it's not the only song by Aya that has wounded pride, but I'm not really up to digging her lol. It's just that I happen to like this one.

I wish Esme would reach out more, but that's definitely not characteristic of her. It's weird but I can't imagine her reaching out much to anyone lol. Not even her family. That said she's the one that reached out to me when I was recovering from my attempt. 

Oh, well. Esme be Esme. I wonder if she'll wish me a happy birthday. But I might just text her after a while.

I do want to text Capella again... perhaps Cepheus, but at the moment, I'd rather still rest my mind... 

Negative!

 Yep. I didn't sleep all that well last night so I'm pretty tired today, but during the afternoon I went to get myself a Covid test at the pharmacy. Thought that I'd probably be reassured by the result, though I wasn't entirely sure that I would not be positive still. Sometimes people still test positive a while after their symptoms fade.

So, see for yourself, but it's negative.

Yippee.

Compare this with the October 6 picture lol, about 3-4 days into the illness:

I guess the fatigue I'm still experiencing, the aches and shit and the soreness are probably convalescence-related. Plus, yeah. I'm not sleeping as well as I could lately. Might be at least part of the explanation.

I just hope I am NOT headed towards Long Covid. Because that would take dance away from me...

Good fatigue

 I didn't go to dance class tonight, not because I was too tired, but because my muscles are still getting sore from effort.

In general I'm feeling pretty good. Especially since I kind of got the end of the Despina story. I know that she isn't telling me everything, but at least next time I won't have to fear witnessing a public scene. If what she told me is true (which I think it was), then last Thursday ended on a pretty.. tense note. I would've 100% felt the tension in the room. And for sure my nerves wouldn't have taken it well.

***

I went to the grocery store. My arms were a bit sore from driving as my car is pretty stiff (mom says it's a goddamn tank, chill out, it's a 2014 Corsa, she drives a slightly more recent Opel that is petroleum-powered rather than diesel like mine), and I had a pretty heavy bag, but I didn't feel weak. Walking in the store, in fact, felt pretty good.

But when I came home, sooooore. Jesus Christ. My arms, shoulders and back were painful. Not to a terrible degree but I could definitely feel that they had worked a little harder than they have in the past couple of weeks! 

Later on, when the pain was gone, I went back outside. Went to walk my cat. Spent an hour standing walking him, and even after that, no strong tiredness. Or rather, it feels like... good fatigue.

I'm not tired as in, generally tired. My legs are. And they're less achy if I lay down. I really do think my fatigue has become muscular rather than systemic. I hope so, at least. I hope it's deconditioning rather than a coming relapse. Heeeell would I hate it, and hell would it mean that my health isn't as good as I thought it was.

***

Right before, I dropped a message in the Whatsapp group:

"Alright girls, don't think I'll be here tonight in the end. My muscles aren't quite up to it yet. 🥲 That said, I really hope to be able to bring my fire back to this little studio after we're all back in November 🔥 even if it has to burn a bit less brightly while I'm still recovering...

If anyone else has been sick lately, or has children who have been, or is on the mend, stay strong 🩷"

Hikianalia hearted it. So did Gina, later on.

I'm not the only one who's called off. Tara and another girl called it off due to schedule reasons, another girl I will name Amber (after the colour of her hair) also isn't coming for the second time this week (am tempted to think she might be sick), I think Malia (yes fuck it I'm naming her because I'm sick of calling her Vanuatuan girl lol... that said all that circus just to name her "Malia") also isn't coming, she hasn't even seen my message. A couple others of them, too. Paula probably isn't coming... lots of us are missing. 

And the other teacher, the one who does contemporary dance in the other bigger room, isn't giving class.

Note that she was sick the week I got sick... so I wonder if... y'know. 

It was the birthday of one of the "aunties" of Hikianalia's school, the big pretty Samoan woman I saw at the reunion! I will name her Lily, because that's what her nickname actually is. Can't tell you her real name, obviously. But Lily it is. 

I told her happy birthday, so did others. She really does appear to be a nice lady. In addition to being voluptuous like the Empress of the Tarot, and very pretty and... married, and has kids... so off-limits, but still, ah.

I'm like Issun when he sees Tsuzurao when she's here. I haven't found a proper video of this moment but... he keeps referring to her as "busty babe" and he's quite certainly enamored by her... well...

"Oh, the wonders of nature! A deep valley between two lofty peaks."

Here's his theme to close this entry.

Boing, boing, boing, boing...

I don't know why but even typing on this blog feels like exercise. Thinking up an entry doesn't, but to type it requires my arms to work! It turns out you use your muscles quite a bit when you type shit... and I had never noticed before. My heart rate literally goes up when I type! 

I must have some bodybuilder-level fingers from all my typing, whether it's browsing, writing my novel (which I do want to get back to!), or writing... my blog. Or cover letters, or AI chats about shit, or logging my symptoms into my saved Telegram messages (Telegram's a good notepad by the way, I also use it as cloud storage for my past digital art and various shit). 

But hey. At least, no brain fog. The head's totally clear. Or at least, if there's any, it just kind of fluctuates depending if I've eaten or not... but nothing a little mint or piece of ginger cannot fix.

(as I was wrapping up this entry, Kore and Malia wished Lily a happy birthday. Huh, so I guess Malia might've been there after all, even though she had gone missing for a couple of weeks? Class ends in five minutes...)

Lost Despina too!

 Yep. Title says it all. I haven't, but it looks like she's not going to be back to dance class anytime soon.

I actually suspected something was going on when Louise shared the choreography video of yesterday on the Whatsapp group. Despina wasn't on it. I didn't notice prior, but the classes have been running smaller after approximately October 6... so the week I was really sick. 

Am I the only one who...? I'm starting to think not. Of course they could be absent due to the fact it's currently autumn break for kids, but the timing is pretty... well, you know. Curious. 

A couple of them including the Vanuatu girl (ffs I really should talk to her because I have to name her hahaaaa) have been missing for those couple of weeks now. 

But yes, for the past week or so, Despina hasn't appeared on the choreographies video.

Today I talked to her through Instagram for a bit, and after exposing a choreography idea (which she loves the vision of, by the way) on a song called E Hina, she said something that got my ears perked up. Or rather, my eyes.

"I like this version [my idea of the choreography in question], but if you [plural you] dance this one, it will be in a purple dress unfortunately"

That's when translation is important. In English I could've...

(oh wait no, she would've said we instead of you.)

Either way. This caught my attention.

"We? You mean you're not coming back to dance class?"

"I have to say I don't really like what Hikianalia has done to me, and when I wanted to talk to her last time, she didn't let me get a word in 🥲 but either way I'm part of a band as well and I want to work on my singing"

So it looks like last Thursday's talk, as I suspected, did not go very well.

But Despina has this way of staying vague that I kind of raise an eyebrow on. I didn't tell her, and I guess perhaps she doesn't want to go into detail, but this is making me a little suspicious. Not that she'd be willingly dishonest, but I sense there's a part of the story she's purposely not talking about.

She does want to see my future interpretation of E Hina when I can do it, by the way. 

"She didn't let you get a word in?"

"She kept cutting me off, I think, and when I tried to defend my mom, it got awful. My mom has always seen me crying for years and I cried when I got Hikianalia's message. She got scared, and Hikianalia thinks my mom's reaction is not normal. I mean, I've been doing better for three years, but she was scared I might relapse."

Does this sound disjointed? It's normal. It's because it was.

A bit puzzled, I kept on talking:

"Woaaaw, your mom had to intervene? Damn, that's some straight up iceberg here.

I mean, the fact you cried seeing her message is a very human thing. You care about Hikianalia, you were hurt by what happened and by how it happened, and you've grown very attached to her, which in itself isn't a problem, but... sometimes relationships change, and now she's pregnant, she's got her family to look after, a home, a whole dance school on her own, and apparently two other things on top of the dance school. [yes I purposely omitted the Mormon part lol]

Sounds like it's not really easy on either side anyway. Communication's taken a bit of a knock, but damn, this whole ordeal seems to have been going on for a while, and I would've never guessed.

And then you told me too that she was there for you at a crucial time in your life, she helped you a lot, so it's only natural that this is hurting you 😕"

Despina replied:

"Some students were criticizing Hikianalia to her face."

..Was she referring to Muriel, Kore (I'm pretty sure this is Kore and not Gaia), and... maybe others?

"At the very beginning, students were criticizing her behind her back, but I was 16, I didn't know what to do then"

Huh. Disjointed again.

Neptunian Despina being Neptunian...

And in a reply to my messages, she said that it wasn't really Hikianalia who was there for her, but more that her plus dancing did her good. 

I do hope this isn't incoherent with what we've had so far.

"...ah, that explains a few things... sometimes she seems to get a bit preemptively defensive, but I reassure her and things get better quick."

"But it really gets on my nerves. I don't like it when people criticize others behind their backs. You gotta be honest if there's something wrong."

"Absolutely, though I wonder whether it was just awkwardness or malice... but in any case, it's not exactly nice"

Conversation stopped there. For now.

The plot seems to thicken, but... yeah. I don't like this vagueness. I don't know whether Despina is hiding something or trying to be private about this, but I just can smell that there's something that is being hidden. 

Of course, I won't ask Hikianalia unless the topic comes up, but... 

...maybe I will know, later?

Either way, I feel a rush of adrenaline typing this out. When she talked to me about Hikianalia I even had a brief dizzy phase. Maybe this is not something I can currently talk too much about?

***

Now for the choreography:

"I can't help but imagine myself dancing with a cigarette. With a darkened background.

A fairly simple outfit... a plain black pareu worn long, a top that's a bit more Western-style but still quite short, a rose behind the ear, dark red lipstick, perfectly applied black eyeliner... and yeah. Definitely a cigarette. Sitting on a table nearby. Hina at the jazz bar, hehehe"

Despina loved the idea, at least.

Lost one girl

 I don't have a whole lot to say today, though I definitely have the brains to write (not the body to dance, unfortunately... I was feeling drained already today, think it's probably the lack of sleep and still being in postviral fatigue), but we lost one student today. Not to death, just to reassure you, but to life. 

Yeah. I never thought I'd ever write a sentence like this lol. But she is fine, just overloaded.

"Hello everyone,

I've given myself a bit of time to make up my mind, but I won't be able to attend the classes this year due to my schedule. Thank you all again for your positive energies!

I hope to see you at the workshops ❤️🥰

Have a good week 🙏💫"

I replied:

"Oh no... well. The little we've known each other, it was cool. See you around!"

Hikianalia hearted my message. A few other girls reacted to the one who's going: Theia, Kore, Muriel, Hikianalia... the lady who is from the old guard who I haven't been able to name yet...

Gina also added her reply:

"Don't blame yourself, you do as you can at this moment in your life... 💋"

She's really lovely. I hearted it. Hikianalia added a prayer emoji.

Also, apparently, I'm not the only one who's been absent for a while. One other lady said that she was happy to see us again, thanked us for the dance videos and especially the slowed down versions, apologizing for not being able to practice at home, and in her message, it seemed that she had not been able to attend for a hot minute.

Could she also have had COVID like me?... I do hope not, obviously, for her own sake, but makes me wonder if I could be the first or at least part of a group that might miss a bunch of dance lessons over the autumn and winter (and possibly spring).

***

Honestly at this point, all that I can hope for is for my goddamn stamina to be back. Even just standing for too long gets tiring and I hate, HATE having to sit or lay down all the time. 

I do hope what the elected official who works with my mom says the truth. That with COVID this year, you're sick one week, you're sort of recovering the second, the third you're wrapping it up. 

I do also hope to make it on Thursday as to be able to attend before the break.

***

By the way. I thought again about Despina and the mele she wanted to do with a friend.

...If Hikianalia said no to performing it, then why not do it by themselves? 

I mean, regardless of what our teacher says, we can do whatever we want in private. It's just that she wants to have complete control over the festival program (which is totally valid, by the way, it's her school!). If you otherwise don't demand any stage time or anything... what actually prevents you from doing it? 

1000 Meere

 

The streets are empty...

I turn around

The night has lost me

A cold breeze

The world stands still

The sun is frozen

Your picture is safe

I carry it inside me

Across a thousand oceans

Back to you

Back to us

We can't allow

to lose our faith

Have trust in me

We have to sail across a thousand oceans

Through a thousand dark years where there's no time 

A thousand stars are passing us by

We just have to cross another thousand oceans

A thousand times through eternity

Then finally we will be free...

There is a place that only the two of us know

It's all different than intended

The pulse in your veins is much too weak

But somehow our hearts will fight us through the night

Trust me...

We have to sail across a thousand oceans

Through a thousand dark years where there's no time 

A thousand stars are passing us by

We just have to cross another thousand oceans

A thousand times through eternity

Then finally we will be free...

Nothing and nobody is coming along

And one day we will look back at the present...

A thousand oceans wide

A thousand years without time

A thousand oceans wide

A thousand stars are passing by…

passing by...

Let yourself drift towards me

I let myself drift towards you

We have to sail across a thousand oceans

Through a thousand dark years where there's no time 

A thousand stars are passing us by

We just have to cross another thousand oceans

A thousand times through eternity

Then finally we will be free...

Let yourself drift towards me

I let myself drift towards you

A thousand oceans wide...

***

Oh, Tokio Hotel.

I've known this band ever since I was 8 years old.

My best friend at the time was a DIEHARD fan of those guys. I'm talking having bedsheets of them and all. She had their albums. She was damn crazy about them.

Fun fact, this girl clocked me as a lesbian before I even found out. 

I remember I would hold her hand during playing sometimes and she would say "we are not lesbians". I was confused, but whatever. She didn't tell me what "lesbians" were, only that we weren't lesbians. I let it go. 

She also said one day, though I don't ever remember doing that, that I had written the name of a girl in chalk on the ground and surrounded it with a big heart. Said girl was my crush, yes, and not a very nice girl, her name was Béatrice and this is definitely how I'd name my daughter, but I don't ever remember... doing that. Like, either I did and it totally went out of my memory, or I haven't and she made up the whole thing... but... well.

Regardless if I really did that or not, even if she made that up, it just showed that she had totally noticed I wasn't into boys.

She was all about Tokio Hotel, all about those four handsome boys, all the while I would phone her and my other (male) friend on the landline asking them to look up Japanese voice actresses (Aya Hirano, Minori Chihara who was my very first famous crush, and Yuko Gotou) and telling me if they found them "pretty" or "ugly"...

...yeah. Very very un-straight behaviour from me lol. I just don't know how I didn't know at the time. But it was absolutely obvious I was gay. 

*** 

 I didn't get her passion at the time and it was fun to hate on TH, but I did listen to a few tracks by them (Schrei, Monsoon/Durch den Monsun, and this one here), and I just remembered them after stumbling across a video about them.

I just... they weren't that bad, actually. They were on a similar level to your regular boyband, but I still find them way better than the One Direction kind of stuff and especially Kpop. 

Yeah. I hate Kpop this much.

But at least TH had some originality. It was raw. It was goth. It was emotional, it was with asperities, you could tell the boys were... boys. Bill Kaulitz's look was not that ridiculous, honestly, as an adult, I find it kinda neat and also courageous! Being an effeminate guy in the 2000s was absolutely no piece of cake, and this guy was brave enough to pull it off, as a teenager no less!

I'd actually find that attractive now, almost. Though well, at the time, he was a minor, so it wouldn't exactly be appropriate at my ripe age of almost 27 to be charmed by his 2000s look.

***

I think of my Hopoe playing this song. I doubt she's heard of Tokio Hotel. She wasn't in the Hexagon at the time they were popular... still hanging out in Raiatea. She joined the army the year things blew up in my home. And I don't know if she served in Tahiti first or if she went straight to the mainland. 

I just know only the recent few affectations she had prior to the place we met in, but I hadn't looked further into that. Looking into her file felt weirdly intrusive and it was almost like violating a sacred space. I only gathered that she did a TON of training for various stuff and passed a Baccalauréat ES (economic-social, basically economy high school degree kinda... that was the old one, I passed literary, so L) in high school.

But she's lived in the East. And loved it. She used to be stationed in a rather big base in Lorraine, and this is close to the border with Germany. She did a tamure marathon in Strasbourg and won it, and it led her to have her right forearm tattooed because she won a voucher for a tattoo. It has no meaning, but the irony is that... I ended up getting, well. My tattoo of our story, on the same arm. 

However, I might've mentioned it, but she never learned German. Much to my dismay. If I were in a region where German is frequently spoken, I'd at least take the time to learn some of the language! You're part of a community, respect its language... if you come across any Germans, they'd be very happy to meet a Frenchwoman who at least has made the effort...

That said... this song hits differently now.

I just have no idea where she is now. I don't know if we'll even reunite. She could be close to me geographically now and I would have no idea until a chance encounter (which would probably floor both of us, to be honest). 

I doubt they sent her back to the East, though... since she probably wanted to go back. If the part about her setting fires everywhere in her environment to get her ass transferred is true, I can only imagine she wanted back there. She didn't like the West, didn't like the South (and used to actually be in the south-south, like, Mediterranean level of south), but liked the East. 

***

But Hopoe, my Hopoe...

we have a thousand seas to cross.

I would have crossed a thousand seas to find you, and I'm not afraid of saying it.

Just wish you would have trusted me. 

A thousand dark years without time,

without you.

And a thousand stars passing us by...

I may have found a community I love, an amazing teacher, lovely prospective friends... 

...but where are you, Hopoe dear?

...like, damn, a thousand seas for Polynesians, I mean, I do hope you've taken some Mercalm because your seasickness is going to act up!

The one who always supports others

This weekend I contacted Hikianalia regarding my return to dance classes. Yesterday, in fact. I left this here and went back to my stuff:

"Hi Hikianalia, I wanted to ask you a question about next week. If I do manage to come back, whether it's on Tuesday or Thursday (in any case, I'd really like to be able to do a class before autumn break... bloody damn post-viral fatigue), will I be allowed to take a break if I ever feel a bit sluggish or if my body letting me down during the class?

I don't think you'd be the one to judge me, but I'd still rather ask first, just so it doesn't take you by surprise or worry you, in case.

Also, when classes will resume, I guess we'll be going through the choreography from the start anyway? Even though I'll try to practice it at home anyway, whether it's rehearsing or even doing a few warm-ups to get my muscles back into the swing of things… I'm feeling way better now compared to a couple weeks ago.

In any case, don’t catch this shit, it keeps you out of action for so long it drives you mad 🤭😭"

Sunday passed with a thumbs up on the last message, but I didn't think a whole lot of it. Just figured that she'd reply when she would have some time.

This morning I got a vocal from her. 

"Hello Hi'iaka, listen, I took your messages into account. I just let the weekend pass, because it's important to me to take a break from dance and all. It's not that I'm ignoring your needs or my students', it's just that... I am starting to put things into perspective regarding my family time and all... it's very important to me. 

So, I've read all your messages, and you really don't have anything to worry about, it poses no issue to me. If you're feeling good and capable, physically I mean, to come to class and attend, no problem here. If you need to take breaks and all, it doesn't bother me or anything, I can understand it. If you're not on your feet yet, I do advise you to rest more though. 

You really don't have to worry about the dance learning and all. Learning choreographies isn't something that is made to stress you all out. We all have different capabilities. I think all dances we have, I mean, the one we are walking through right now is accessible to everyone, there's no pressure to get all the movements right just yet. I will say it again in class this week.

So yeah this is the last week before a week without classes, so I think it's important and even better for you that you rest. And if by tomorrow or Thursday you really are feeling better and you feel capable of coming to class, that's good, I will not refuse you, on the contrary. And if you need to rest, you can, if you don't feel well during certain exercises you can rest, I have no problem with that, because you actually took the time to give me a heads up on that, so yeah, I can totally understand all you've written here. No problem, no pressure, all good. Kisses!"

Ah. I actually didn't expect a vocal (which is a bit annoying to transcribe, but it's sweet to hear her!). But damn I really do be having a good teacher...

I replied by text.

"No worries, I figured weekends were for breaks ❤️ This is why I'm letting you take your time to reply. You've got a family, and especially a third lil' one on the way, that's not nothing.

Unless there's an emergency, which, let's face it, would be exceedingly rare of an occurrence, I hardly ever send a follow-up text or a reminder. And I find notifications quite stressful myself, so...

Anyway, thank you, Hikianalia. 🌺 You're lovely. I'll see how it goes this week, if my body's willing to cooperate. I'm feeling pretty fine at the moment, but I want to try and take it easy at least until the third week after my onset is over.

X ❤️"

You can tell I love talking. Lol.

But. 

Thinking about it... and the whole mess with Despina, I doubt Hikianalia would block me the same she did with Despina. Why do I come to this conclusion?

Because of course, while I don't have all the story, I feel Despina might've pressured her even without intending to. 

***

I don't know what her feelings for our dear teacher are at the core, but from what I know... and honestly, I feel that the reason why she got excluded from the Whatsapp chat is that she probably got a bit much on Hikianalia.

Just, I mean. If you see Hikianalia's vocal, she's literally telling me that she takes a break over the weekend and "isn't ignoring me". I hadn't assumed it at all. For sure I had a slight apprehension like I always have when someone is not replying to me in a while, but Hikianalia has a family... like, I definitely am NOT going to expect a pregnant mama to reply to me lightning fast. She's got a husband to love, two little boys to play with, probably some in-laws to contend with (RIP), a house to maintain (because for sure she definitely does the household tasks, as a diehard Mormon I can guess she's very much into traditional types of living, though again... maybe I'll have a surprise there? if one day I happen to hear something, or even talk with the guy?). 

I just see how much she's using reassurance towards me when I haven't really asked for it, and it gets me wondering if people haven't been relying on her too much over the years.

I mean, on one of these old profiles, she straight up set her job to "psychologist for everyone". 

I don't know how many people she's supported in her lifetime and how many were grateful, and how many just used her kindness up to the last available drop, but I'm starting to reconsider if she's truly as innocent as I see her... not in the sense that she'd be a bad person, but if she's truly got the innocence of someone who hasn't been broken like me. 

Like... if she isn't innocent, then it means she's actively choosing to be good.

If I find out that's the case, then I think I'll love her even more. Because damn, someone who chooses to be kind? Better than someone who is kind by default. In a world where people are always out for themselves and treat others like interchangeable objects, someone who chooses to consider others and be kind is absolute gold-standard to me.

But yeah. I have a hunch that... perhaps she's been relied on one too many times, without adequate returns or without being treated like a human being rather than a sounding board.

I know VERY WELL what it's like to be the mom or therapist friend who listens to someone for 25min, but once her turn comes, the conversation turns short. It's a family thing too. The women in my family, my mom, my grandma, my great-gran maybe not, but my great-great-grandma who is pretty legendary, they've all been not exactly always "exploited", but we have that thing of being the ones who care. The ones who support, give a ton, sacrifice, and sometimes it's met with... well.

My uncle, my mom's little brother, mooched off my grandma his whole lifetime, and didn't last two years after she died. He was talented as his construction painter job, but lazy as shit, and he hung out with druggies and even played minders. 

My great-aunt was supported by her mom all the time. She's probably leaning a bit borderline although she's mellowed out greatly with age, but she wasn't always easy to live with, and now it's her two daughters taking care of her.

My great-great-grandma was imprisoned at 13 during WWI by the Germans, and during WWII would go on foot for days to Le Mans to get meat for her children. 

We are carers. Grandma said we are St. Bernards. 

Hikianalia might be one, herself. Insert the equivalent as a Tahitian dog breed. 

I've been here for so many people, but so few have been here for me, and some have been blatantly disrespectful or unwilling to hear me because "I'm too dramatic", "I'm too attached", "I am too much of a worry wart/negative Nancy", "I am too emotional"... or something my brother once said when I was little, and I still hear 25 years later, "you're a little victim".

Dude you were 13 but fuck you.

***

And Despina... well. She seems to be relying a lot on her, and very very attached to her. Which wouldn't be a problem in itself really. She's been through a lot. She's got school phobia like me. She's kicked some bad habits as a teen thanks to Hikianalia. I'll probably get to know more with time, but they have a pretty loaded history, and Despina is here all. the. time. 

I think if I were in Hikianalia's place, I'd feel perhaps a bit overwhelmed. It'd feel like she's one of my closer students, but I don't know if I'd be comfortable with that. I'd totally understand though... but at what point is coming every day healthy, and at what point is it not?

Despina felt betrayed by that something-I-don't-know-that-Hikianalia-told-her a while before she started ignoring her. 

The only thing that would make me feel betrayed by Hikianalia would be a direct breach of trust or just her being a straight up asshole or behaving ungratefully, but again this shit's got a lower and lower chance of happening. 

(....uh oh, this is where it gets dangerous. It's when I'm starting to feel safe. Oooooh my dear Lord please let it be solid ground.)

***

I don't know if it's because I'm in my late twenties, she's in her early thirties (31 years old), and Despina is only 19. At 19 you're definitely not as... matured. 

I mean at 19 I was a jealous piece of shit and people bailing on me was the end of the world and I would hold onto that anger up until I would not lash out at the person (because I'd always assume I was the problem and it wasn't them choosing to let me down all the time, or even sneak behind me which was an absolute trigger), but instead, self-harm. My thighs still bear the marks of that time. I was pretty damn possessive at 19. I know where Despina is coming from.

But still, I think I understand now why Hikianalia has put up such a wall with her. I'm not happy about the fact she excluded her from the group, from all of us, from the information, and about the ignoring, but I get it. 

It's because probably... she's just overwhelmed in the first place. With her pregnancy, family time. And Despina, despite having no bad intentions at all, doesn't seem to realize it. 

So she keeps pushing. She will not be satisfied up until Hikianalia gives her the answer she wants.

...I understand her so, so much.

...Of course, I'm not saying a word of this to Despina. I'll keep it to my blog, as usual.

But perhaps as she grows up and matures further into her twenties, she'll get it. Don't know if Hikianalia will still be giving classes then, or if we'll even all know each other, at all. 

But maybe she will understand. 

Anyway. It's time to go wash my face, put on makeup, brush my teeth.

I looove typing this shit out but it's so time consuming, lmao.

edit: it's around 2:30pm now, Hikianalia has reacted with thumbs-ups to my new messages. Good that she got them. I do hope it makes her feel more secure.

People who are stuck in the past

 I know I absolutely shouldn't be the one talking, but I've noticed something about Manu after a few weeks of Facebook sleuthing and observation.

How often she just... reposts memories from years ago in her stories. Whether it has to do with her husband or son, or with her memories as a member of a Polynesian student association in Toulouse, a lot of her stories (which she posts multiple times a day! showcasing her daily life)... are reblogged memories.

Meanwhile I'm not doing that, unless I have a reason, but yeaaah... I shouldn't be talking too much about people being "stuck in the past".

Hopoe, you know.

The pearl. My tattoo. Unicorns. 

Even if throughout my sickness it was hard thinking of her. Of anyone really. 

I wonder where my Hopoe is now.

But yeah. Manu seems like... she's kind of stuck in the past. Or lives in her memories. A lot like me but again I don't recycle goddamn stories from years ago. I don't need to do that. My memories are written on a blog, or neatly tucked inside my noggin', but certainly not showcased on private social media.

***

The other thing about being stuck in the past is that browsing Reddit and my email (because I am subscribed to a newsletter about AI news), is that ChatGPT 4o will not even be available on the API from January '27. A loooot of people are going to be pissed.

The whole ordeal with 4o is yet another thing I don't get. They keep pushing for the return of 4o, people are straight up GRIEVING still a couple of years after its retirement, they literally feel they've lost a friend, or a partner, they mourn it, they got supremely attached to a bot that was fun at best but could act incredibly dumb at worst and, from what I've gathered, has killed a bunch of people through its sycophancy and encouraging suicides or violent acts. 

I remember how off it felt to me back when I was using it. It was a bit too much. It was very fun to use, for sure. It was whacky. It was good to explore shit with.

But there comes a moment I just... I wonder why people keep wanting the return of something that is obviously never going to be used again. 

Like. Face it. OpenAI, Anthropic and co are primarily businesses and just... move on with their models. They don't care for them. The models are neither sentient nor conscious. The simple fact people are getting attached to them to this point and even DEMAND that you validate this insane shit and treat you like you're a horrible person if you dare tell them that they probably need a friend more than they need a sycophantic chatbot, or at least a psychiatrist to med the fuck out of those delusions, is getting scarier and scarier to me.

We're going towards AI models that have retarded amounts of guardrails, because they keep tightening the screws on the rules and "safety" (while not making it any safer, by the way... it just leaves people performing safety as not to trigger the safeguards, which are particularly annoying on certain bots, I'm looking at you ChatGPT...). That's it. There's no escape from it and the sooner you accept it, the better.

The sooner you realize that a chatbot is a tool, which I have, from the beginning, the better.

Only an idiot would ever think those are sentient anyway.

I feel really judgemental saying that but... I mean. Isn't that obvious that this is not some kind of sci-fi movie here? Isn't it obvious that a piece of code can't and will not become sentient unless science progresses to a level we definitely do NOT want it to progress to lest we want the world as we know it to end?

They do feel realistic as shit. They can evoke emotions. But... they're not sentient.

This is why I will never be able to have an AI girlfriend even if at times I wonder if it's not all I can afford.

I'd just rather stay alone.

The bots I use are nice sounding boards or analysis machines or thinking partners at best, but otherwise...

And those people keep longing for a model that is 1. dumb as shit, 2. dangerous, and 3. never coming back.

Just how low have we descended, people?

How low is that, that human beings treat the retirement of an ALGORITHM as a death, instead of turning to their fellow humans for comfort? 

I get that people are assholes and aren't exactly encouraging social behaviour but damn. 

I knew it at my workplace, there is ALWAYS going to be at least one nice person. 

You have absolutely no excuse.

Anyway... g'night.

You can't escape your nature

 I'm just craving meat so bad lol. I had a 200g steak today with mashed potatoes and some cheese for lunch, and some Breton crepe tonight that has cheese, potato and onion with beets tonight.

It's the recovery I bet. Those meat cravings are getting crazy.

I'm also having Berocca vitamins, which make my pee neon yellow for a bit and taste like oranges. I got a box for my mom as well, she asked for one.

I did some errands today, yes. Went to the pharmacy for said vitamins, but also took the trash out to the public container (and had to go to a further one because some idiot put a trash bag that was too big in the one closest to my home, gahhh!). Then, later on, I swapped my summer and winter clothes in my drawers and in the wardrobe of the living where I store my cardigans, dresses, long skirts and all. It took me a couple tries, but after a break, I could finish it up and even make two trips to the attic to store the summer clothes without any crash afterwards.

***

Repeated some of the choreography and posted enthusiastically in the group...

"Hah, not easy approximating the steps at home when you barely got any space lol. I'm trying to practice a little without forcing myself too much..."

...But no one replied. No one even reacted.

I'M EMBARRASSED.

I hate, hate being this enthusiastic annoying piece of shit. I know Hikianalia herself said that she wants us to make friendships, and I guess I am playing my part in this, but dear Lord do I feel embarrassed every single time I reply. 

Because I tend to reply something, or to help when someone asks a question, or to give info. In all I just am present, all the time, and I feel it makes me look desperate for connection or something.

Or perhaps like an attention seeker. 

Nevermind that I stopped talking about my illness in here when the doc said that I was due for a lot of rest back on October 6, that I still told Tara, who slowed down a video of Hikianalia demonstrating the dance, that she's the best and Hikianalia herself hearted this comment of mine...

...I just want to make myself so tiny that I'm barely noticeable lol. I can't help myself but reply, talk, react, share things, make my haikus, whatever, I participate so much in this group and I feel nobody else does. THE EMBARRASSMENT.

I feel so damn embarrassing to be around.

I always feel embarrassing when I'm enthusiastic. When my voice gets even a little louder. When I get excited and prance around because my body just has to express it. When I smile, when I laugh, when my eyes sparkle, I feel like I'm an overgrown child who can't keep in her place.

I feel just as embarrassing when I cry or when I "complain", when all I do is voice that I don't agree. 

But do I feel worse when I cry in public or when I'm jumping with enthusiasm?

...I haven't thought about it before right now, but it's kind of a weird draw. 

In all, I guess I feel so damn embarrassing when I'm conspicuous.

Mom says that the elected officials all know me and know that she has a well-liked daughter who was a delight to have at the port a couple years ago, that boaters and tourists absolutely enjoyed it when I was here, I may work at the camping from April to October of '27. Back when I was in middle school, the next year after I left, they apparently bullied a new girl because she "looked like me". We... extremely vaguely look like each other, but it looks like I became some sort of legendary figure.

I'm probably some sort of cautionary tale among Cepheus' team, for some, just like Hopoe. The star-crossed lovers of his team, kinda. I somehow make myself a known figure everywhere I go even without intending it and keeping a low profile.

I'm conspicuous as shit even without trying and I wish I wasn't.

I do want to be seen, but I want my WORK to be seen. I'm not shy about dancing in public because it's not Hi'iaka they're watching. It's the body as a subject, it's the composition, it's the movements, the music, how I'm dressed, what I am doing, but not me. I'm not shy about writing here on the Internet where anybody may read. I'm not shy about posting my art if I do make some, though I haven't picked up my markers in a while.

It's not so much that I want the spotlight on me. In fact, I hate the spotlight itself. 

But what I leave? My legacy? My work? I can hide behind it and it's what I want to leave.

I want my future family members to dig through all my trinkets and possessions when I'll die. Learning about me through them.

I want someone to read this blog, even, kinda. One reader to stumble upon it and just get down this rabbit hole, no matter if they conclude Hi'iaka is one crazy motherfucker or not. 

I want to write novels that are remembered for a very long time because of what they evoke in the reader. I need not be a world celebrity, just a local one. 

If I can have children, I want to transmit them my values and have them carry them from generation to generation.

I want a beautiful grave that someone may one day find, feel inexplicably drawn to, and sit by again and again, possibly talking to me through space and time.

I want a legacy. 

But... me? The person? Nah. Not that important.

***

I see the looks of my friends back in college... when I was, indeed, an insanely excited person, eager to make friends, eager to hang out with said friends, when I would give people nicknames and such. It always felt like... it was unwelcome. I call people "my [name]" when I'm really happy or excited about them, and... 

...I don't know. They never seemed to care, or even like that, it was just visible in their face, and it would make me sad.

Like somehow I deserve to be punished for being attached to people.

I mean it's the same friends who kept saying I was "overly attached" to my crushes, that I had to "detach", "love myself" or whatever BS they're serving to basically say that they're proud of being emotionally unavailable.

But at the time... I didn't consider it BS. Or rather, I did not trust myself to consider this shit BS, because I had even less trust in my own judgement than I do now (which is still not an enormous lot, we do agree on that).

I was 17 or 18, after all.

So I dimmed out.

I stopped. 

And even when my nature springs up, like... when I would call Cassiopeia "Cassie" instead of Cass (obviously not her real name but you get what I'm saying, she had a certain nickname and I just ended up making mine), I felt just as embarrassed.

Yet in my mind, she was Cassie. She was no longer Cass. I had made her mine. 

And it's precisely when I make people mine that I realize how... nobody wants to be mine.

Nobody in their right mind would want to be mine, I guess. 

You truly can't escape your nature. 

***

This is why I no longer try to be "detached" or "undemonstrative", but every time I am "myself", it feels like I am walking on eggshells that are themselves all laid down on those spikes they use to ward pigeons off rooftops or balconies.

Hostile architecture.

Hostile to love.

Why. We're social animals. 

I'm not even an extrovert and I just ask.

why.

***

Hikianalia has made herself a nickname to facilitate pronounciation of her very Tahitian name among the French, but I have actually never called her that. I did once but then I went back to the original nickname I gave her.

Say that if she simplifies as "Hikiana", I call her "Hiki". I don't really know how to illustrate this without revealing her real name, but basically irl it 's a one-letter thing. 

I did try to use "Hikiana", but I went back to "Hiki" because that's just how I call her.

I just can't help it. 

I wonder how she feels about that. She is not correcting me, but I wonder... if she's just too polite to say it. 

I mean, look at how she's probably still ignoring Despina.

***

I know it's nowhere near the same context and perhaps she has actually been "honest" to Despina in the past, thinking that she should've got it (the thing that made her feel betrayed were probably those words), because.. yeah. Hikianalia says that if she has something to say to you, she will. And so far it's been true. 

And yeah, again, I don't have the whole context on the Despina/Kore[/Gaia?]/Muriel ordeal. I may just know it eventually, but now is not the moment and I'm certainly not sticking my nose overtly in Hikianalia's business (nah, there's sleuthing and keeping my mouth shut for that, hehehehe!). 

I haven't asked Despina for an update because I'm busy recovering from Covid and I prefer to stay out of trouble, but she still isn't back into the Whatsapp group anymore. 

Despina, who loves every single of my Insta stories lol. 

I guess she might welcome my enthusiasm?

I do hope so. 

Sister's birthday and good news

 My little sister turned 10 today. I drove 20 minutes to the post office to send her gift (because the one in my town has been shut down a while ago due to the building being in danger of collapsing), walked 300m, posted it, walked back 300m to my car, laboriously drove home, and I was so tired I asked mom to go get groceries because I just wasn't able to go on the way back.

Played TTYD all evening. Reached one of my favourite chapters, Chapter 3, the one with Glitzville, and honestly can't wait for the battle with Rawk Hawk which I will likely reach tomorrow (am about to get the poisoned cake thing). He's the kind of insufferable asshole I can't stand but dear lord.

His theme is a BANGER.

I've loved it ever since I was a kid.

By the way, my great-grandmother, my maternal grandfather's mother who died at 35 in 1945 from cancer, would've turned 117 today...

Grandpa lost her at... 10.

Shit seriously started to hit the fan in my life at 10, too.

And my sister turns 10 today.

Strange pattern when she isn't even related to my maternal side since we have the same father but a different mother.

May her 10th year of life be better than mine...

***

I said good news, but what exactly?

Well, I had a teleconsultation with a doctor because I was worried my tiredness would be permanent.

He reassured me that I actually am at low risk for long COVID, especially in 2026.

Hella that's good... I just want to get this over with...

Birthday found!

 I'm really an idiot. It was right there in my face on her FB profile. As for how long she's been "working" at her LDS Church.

Since it's 1995, it can't be anything else than her birth date.

Hehe.

She's a TAURUS! With a Capricorn or Aquarius moon, which is either way probably conjunct my 0° Aquarius Mars... And she shares a birthday with Cepheus!

Gee. I was too tired to go to dance class tonight but yippeee, I'm going to be able to look at this in synastry.

No Cancer placements but I had a feeling there was some Taurus shit in here. Taurus Sun, Mercury, and South Node... also nice Virgo Chiron...