Arawak - Warhorse

 

"I don't know, but listening to it feels like falling asleep underwater one last time. You have a bit of hope in you to live, but you feel the comfort of the water sweeping over you... knowing it's soon to be over, that everything is getting so dark and distant... but you feel that's okay. You came from the sea, and returned to the sea...

"I am...

I'm so tired...

So old...

I can't...

I can't do it anymore.

I can't go much further.

Will you do me a favour?

Please bring me there, sweetheart.

Bring me to where it ends."

spoiler (after moving this entry from Dreamwidth 10 months later): 

this burning piece of shit did not even bother to do so.

Honey, I'm tired.

Honey. I'm tired.

I shouldn't be calling you that anymore, but fuck that, you don't even know this blog.

I'm tired.

I haven't seen you in four weeks.

I'm feeling godawful.

I just want to hear your voice, see you again, feel your hair under my fingers and share a drink with you
but why is it that calling and seeing each other isn't okay? But texting is?

Why do you say we'd see this week about seeing each other and you're not even?

Why is it that this three day birthday party you're doing goes before I do when you told me you'd see me after your legal stuff was sorted?

Is it sorted after all?

Are you just lying?

Why didn't you tell me first that you had this party, that your best friend and mom would be coming in September too?

Why?

Am I even anything to you anymore? A priority?

Those emojis, are they just a way to soften it?

Am I friendzoned?

Do you even truly want to see me at all?

Why?

Am I ever going to be able to give you this magnet I bought you when I was at my mom's place?
This shit is sitting in my room and has been for three weeks, and I want to cry every time I look at it. It waits for you, endlessly. I don't even know if you want it.

Have you read the Little Prince? Or tossed that book I dedicated to you with my own handwriting?
Please.

I know your period made it impossible to drive me back home. I got it.
Then your legal stuff. I was already aching to see you but... alright.
But then... all of that. And I find myself wondering. Am I even still a thing to you?

Where did all of this go?

Where did that intimacy we shared in that bar bathroom go?

The kisses? The fact you never said you didn't want me back?

Why does it feel so scummy to me and then right after I'm back to blaming myself because surely it's my own fault that everything is like this?

Because yes. I think... maybe I'm truly the one at fault.

After all, I've been asking you to see you at least once a week. Like, not at every text. But with every week that passed...

I remember when I tried calling you and ended up on your voicemail. Were you here? You did not reject the call. Did it simply ring?

You're right. I'm one who cannot let go. I make it hard. I'm not enjoying the moment.
I know I'm awful. I'm so sorry.

What is so wrong with me that I'm not even worth...

worth all of this?

Not even the cleanest of clean breaks, if you truly don't want anything to do with me anymore?

If I'm not just a mess because every week spent without you is harder?

And because I find my eyes wandering to somebody else too who may not even ever like me back in this way?

For real.

I'm tired and everything is wrong with me.

I love you. I don't know if you still do.

Tra la la

My life is wonderful.

I haven't seen my ex nor heard her voice in four weeks, just texted, and I find myself wondering whether I'll see her again despite her told me that yes, she wants to see me but wants to have some stuff sorted out first, then is always busy. I'm aching as shit. I just want to see her and be at her place and make love to her. Please end my misery. Please, my dear, come back to me fast. I'm faltering.

I got a crush on my dad's colleague whose tattooed arms and massive body and sweet accent get me weak in the knees, and she's way older than me, 12 years older. All I know is that she's never been married at the ripe age of 38 and doesn't have kids. But oh man she's massive. Not fat. Massive. All muscle and robust bones. But has she ever liked a woman? Would she feel the same? And I have my ex in my heart too, and I feel I'm betraying her. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't think about how a kiss with my dad's colleague might feel, and how I'd laugh like a complete madwoman if I went into bed with her. Like, how the fuck is that happening bro. But will I? If that's meant to be it will be. I won't be able to escape it.

I wish the guy in charge of me was my dad. For real I connect well with this guy and I think I impress him by how quickly and efficiently I do my job, and got how to do it. But he ain't my dad and he may be totally different at home. I know what it's like.

The other guy I work with doesn't get it when I make a joke even if it's obviously one. No, he isn't autistic.

I eat early, as soon as I get home from work, so I don't go to bed on a full stomach or at least still digesting my dinner and then have issues sleeping. Dad tells me I should wait for him to come home. Excuse me, I ain't starving for 2 more hours just to please you. I have lunch circa 11:30am so it's been easily 7 hours without eating by the time I get home. But then tonight he didn't come home at all and didn't tell me until 9pm just to ask me to water the goddamn plants. Wow. Why I don't trust him.

I'm constantly sleep deprived and am about to sleep by almost 27 degrees in my room again tonight, oooh joy. I'm a walking fucking zombie and my damn coworker always tells me how I look exhausted. He is, too. My crush is not sleeping well either due to the heat.

But. The neighbours I hated moved away. Now that's a win. I have an easier time relaxing now.

All wake and no sleep makes Hi'iaka a dull girl.

I started my new job on the 1st. Like it so far even though there was hardly a thing to do today and last night I could not sleep until 1:30 am and not before having cried for 20 minutes sitting up in bed, thinking I'd never get any sleep at all.
But fuuuuck. I'm tired. All wake and no sleep makes Aka a dull, tired, and tearful girl.

I'm still struggling to sleep correctly, and even Atarax doesn't seem to put me to sleep. It takes the edge off a bit at best. And I don't have an unlimited supply of it, so I try my best not to rely on it too much... but it's like my nerves won't relax. It's especially bad when my dad is here. Also damn. When I am alone I prepare myself dinner within half an hour. I get home ravenous (because lunch is a good six to seven hours away at that point), but when he's here, we frequently don't eat until 8pm. When you gotta get into bed around 10 that's less than ideal. And preparing food for two or three doesn't help either: yesterday I cooked too much on purpose and what did this fucker do? Bring some sort of pizza thing, another thing Italian I swear I'm going to hate Italian food by the time I get my own place, and my stuff became a side dish. I felt... insulted. I know he couldn't guess I would cook for myself and I couldn't, myself, guess that he would bring back food. But now I think I'll eat early regardless and not even cook for the family. Fuck that. I'm not getting that kind of shitty surprise again. I have to save my energy already.

I couldn't even touch the leftovers tonight. Just seeing them makes me feel angry. I'll have to eat them though... or have dad, stepmother or stepsibling do it. But I can't imagine eating that now. It looks sad and probably tastes like sadness.

The worst is yet to come though. When my siblings will be there for TWO weeks to end summer break. God fucking help me. I sleep best when literally no one else is home. When they are here I cannot relax. The emotional atmosphere is toxic as can be as my dad does not go one day without at some point getting angry at them or rushing them or pushing them or threatening punishment (not to mention how he treats the dog, too, but at least I can counter this by being nice to him, and that's what I do, I'm always nice to that dog), and I absorb everything, EVERYTHING. I wish I didn't. I sincerely wish I could turn a blind eye or just be as rotten as any person who thinks threatening is ever a good way to raise one's kids to be healthy and well-adjusted adults.

Anyway... I'm tired. Aka is tired. Aka is gonna rest.