The Grenfell fire documentary

I watched it a couple days ago and it's stayed with me. The OST is splendid too.

But moreso I'm listening to young Firdaws Hashim's performance of Read All About It. It's just... it just breaks me to know that this talented girl will never be heard singing again. She also seemed like she would grow up to be a really beautiful person.

I have a thing for catastrophes that kill a large amount of people, but moreso shipwrecks and fires. I don't know why that is. Is it the large amount of people dying in one setting? Is it knowing that life can be cut short, burned or drowned, in such a short amount of time? Is it because large amounts of souls leave at around the same time, accompanying each other in death? Is it that I've lived it in the past and I feel the resonance? Is it that my soul knew some of those souls that departed on that terrible night? Probably that's the case for a few.

Every time I look at such catastrophes... I feel that one day, maybe, I'll be part of them. It's a totally twisted sort of fantasy of mine... but the idea that I may die along with a large number of people in something that just kinda happens like that, in a terrible twist of fate, as helpless as everyone else, kind of... holds a sort of temptation. Of course I wouldn't willingly provoke any catastrophe or do a terror attack or whatever, but one day, I may very well be part of such a large event. I may survive... or as I wish for it, my life may be claimed that day.

Cut short. Disappeared in an instant. All that is left of me is my spirit. Everyone else's. All we think about is to escape, but then we realize... we haven't made it. And we all grieve together, and I get to comfort them, and I am comforted, myself, even as I wouldn't ever reveal that I stayed in the blaze on purpose, or chose to go down with the ship. It's such a fucking weird kind of fantasy to entertain, but I've been obsessed with death and my own mortality for so long.

And since the first time in my life that the call of death came to my mind, the call of the void, the urge to end it all and leave it all behind, it has never left me. It's like those viruses that once you've contracted them, they never go away.

When this very familiar of having a heavy heart came to me for the first time, I grew fond of it. This heavy hearts that leads me to think, one day I will be laid to rest, and this shall be the most peaceful day in my life, no matter how violent my death was. It doesn't matter if my body is charred remains or anything: I will be beautiful in death, in any way possible.

"Once upon a time, there was a boy on a boat, and he lived happily ever after."
Mehdi El-Wahabi, 8.

Fucking hell this one moment punched me in the guts. I hope you and your family live happily ever after, lil' bud.