I started my new job on the 1st. Like it so far even though there was hardly a thing to do today and last night I could not sleep until 1:30 am and not before having cried for 20 minutes sitting up in bed, thinking I'd never get any sleep at all.
But fuuuuck. I'm tired. All wake and no sleep makes Aka a dull, tired, and tearful girl.
I'm still struggling to sleep correctly, and even Atarax doesn't seem to put me to sleep. It takes the edge off a bit at best. And I don't have an unlimited supply of it, so I try my best not to rely on it too much... but it's like my nerves won't relax. It's especially bad when my dad is here. Also damn. When I am alone I prepare myself dinner within half an hour. I get home ravenous (because lunch is a good six to seven hours away at that point), but when he's here, we frequently don't eat until 8pm. When you gotta get into bed around 10 that's less than ideal. And preparing food for two or three doesn't help either: yesterday I cooked too much on purpose and what did this fucker do? Bring some sort of pizza thing, another thing Italian I swear I'm going to hate Italian food by the time I get my own place, and my stuff became a side dish. I felt... insulted. I know he couldn't guess I would cook for myself and I couldn't, myself, guess that he would bring back food. But now I think I'll eat early regardless and not even cook for the family. Fuck that. I'm not getting that kind of shitty surprise again. I have to save my energy already.
I couldn't even touch the leftovers tonight. Just seeing them makes me feel angry. I'll have to eat them though... or have dad, stepmother or stepsibling do it. But I can't imagine eating that now. It looks sad and probably tastes like sadness.
The worst is yet to come though. When my siblings will be there for TWO weeks to end summer break. God fucking help me. I sleep best when literally no one else is home. When they are here I cannot relax. The emotional atmosphere is toxic as can be as my dad does not go one day without at some point getting angry at them or rushing them or pushing them or threatening punishment (not to mention how he treats the dog, too, but at least I can counter this by being nice to him, and that's what I do, I'm always nice to that dog), and I absorb everything, EVERYTHING. I wish I didn't. I sincerely wish I could turn a blind eye or just be as rotten as any person who thinks threatening is ever a good way to raise one's kids to be healthy and well-adjusted adults.
Anyway... I'm tired. Aka is tired. Aka is gonna rest.
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