Insomnia

 All wake and no sleep truly makes Hi'iaka a dull girl. But also... tense.

I do sleep better at my mom's place... but lately, it's been worse. I'm soon going back to the city my father lives in, though I will NOT live at his place. I'll start a two month contract, will live on-site. It's something I know how to do but in a service I don't know with people I don't know, or have only seen a few times. I'll see the woman I love, again, after six months without talking. That's not the worse part at all. It's just that... I wonder if I'll be any up to it. Like if I won't be completely sleepless, fuck shit up, ramp up absenteeism... it scares me so bad, not gonna lie. I will not have my mom to comfort me, either. Nor my cats. I will be all alone to deal with that. And it's going to be summer so I can forget about hot water bottles, aka one of the only non-chemical things that actually get my stress levels down.

It's a very very good thing I will live on site, won't have to think about commuting and all of that. I'll be able to get up slightly later. Have more time to do my makeup (because yes, I do wear makeup, not an Instagram-face type of makeup, but it still takes a bit to do something that looks nice), won't have to drink my tea when it's still piping hot and burning my throat. 

But lately, my insomnia's been worse. I literally could not relax last night. My back was so tense I could not get light sleep. 2:30, then 3 rolls around. I cry, like I do most of those nights lately. I didn't want to take a Xanax, I hadn't done so in a few days as I don't want to be too reliant on it and I've taken more than half the box in a month and a half of having it prescribed... but it was the only thing that really got me relaxing enough.

I can sleep sometimes, without anything. No melatonin, no meds. I've recently had two nights like that where I was relaxed enough, and slept. It's probably not so much the sleep mechanism, or the ability to sleep that is impaired in me. If I relax enough, I can totally drift off. 

No. It's the constant tension. It's the constant feeling that my shoulders and back are rock-hard. That I cannot relax. That I'm always on the lookout for... for what? It's the hypervigilance. The doctor I saw after I had a vomiting episode from stress when I left my dad's place (three days before I drove away) told me I had reactional depression + hypervigilance, anxiety. It's the feeling that I may not escape psychiatry even though I know damn fucking well what's wrong with me and it's not an inherent problem. It's all this stress. All of this pressure that is on me. That is on everyone. It's just that I have been sensitized by years of being under constant stress, of having to carry it all alone.

I recall seeing that it's not uncommon to get worse after you leave a toxic environment, because your body can afford to crash. I'll be damned... it looks like things never quite get easy, do they. The only hope I have here, in a not-so-tired way at the moment... is that eventually, I will settle. That my body will realize it's no longer in danger. That I'm not going to be taken out of my light sleep by a loud child's call for dad, that I won't have to lock my door to feel safe, that I will not have to be rested lest I want to break down and cry or get angry because everything around me feels so stressful and charged (and on top of that, I will be blamed for my reaction, nevermind that oftentimes I was straight up PUSHED to my limits by circular arguments or being straight up dismissed or ignored), that I will sleep within half an hour after my head hits the pillow and not toss and turn for hours, yawning but not being able to drop off a single bit, hear the birds outside (fuck you, birds!), see the sun come up, that I will not worry about being unable to drive safely, that I will be able to do my "homework" for my professional advisor... that I will be able to pass exams and not be half-not there.

May this stop one day for me. I've considered euthanasia in my worst moments. What has carried me through a whole thirteen years without a single suicide attempt (as I've lived with a death wish since the age of twelve, and only actually made a proper attempt almost fourteen years later) was that... sort of hope. That sort of waiting. You know, when you go to see fireworks and it's time but it hasn't started... and you don't want to leave before the fireworks. That is exactly what has kept me alive the whole time. That sense that I don't want to miss out on the moment things finally turn around. Nearly did. But I'm still here, writing this blog. May one day things get peaceful for me, finally. Cutting this poor excuse of a human being off is the best thing I could do for myself. It's sad that I have to carry his genes, his face as I look structurally more similar to him, and that I'll always have this worry, in the depths of my being, that I carry some sort of vice that is only waiting for the right moment to come out and prove that genes don't lie, that I was born vicious, broken, and manipulative. 

But the fallout, man, the fallout. When will it all end. If it will, that is. At times I'm worried I'm waiting on an illusion. And I'll be on my deathbed at ninety, perhaps even older than that, wondering why I even remained here when I could have ended it all sooner. Or perhaps, opposed to that, happy that I did not and got to live some truly golden years.

When will Hi'iaka be a bright girl again, as opposed to dull?