A farewell to the world

Just to reassure you: I'm not planning on ending my life. I'm not stopping this blog, either.

I think I'm just... I'm just realizing that I have to bid farewell to the world. While still living. 

I've also slept pretty horribly last night for an unknown reason, probably hormones. Just felt like my body wasn't letting go. I was in light sleep for most of the night. 

Took everything in me not to reach for the Xanax, because I'm afraid of becoming dependent on it and I used it a couple times in a row because of how tired I was and how worried I was about not sleeping enough and being even more tired.

Watch said I got 7 hours + of sleep but I feel I got like, 3 hours at most. Lack of deep sleep and REM. 

Of course I'm fucking dead tired.

***

There is that Wallisian song I've stumbled across a few days ago, and have been playing on repeat. It's not just about those lovely outdated synths (it's apparently from 2015, yet sounds like it was made 30 years ago). Yeah, Wallisian, don't ask me why I looked for it. Nothing to do with Big Kili, though I guess that given it's a classic, she probably has heard it.

I'll join the translated lyrics:

My thoughts are wandering 

Towards you, my dear

I have told you everything I had,

How could I ever look at you again?

They say our relationship 

Is a childish endeavour

But I know, deep down in me,

That only death can separate us.  

Chorus:

Let's leave it at that, 'cause you don’t love me  

I will eventually find someone else

But nothing will ever change

The love I have for you 

Before you, I didn’t know what love was,

My heart had never been broken   

And now here I am, so jealous 

Of all those beautiful figures around 

It’s time to end things here

We’ve got to stop kidding around

But I can’t bring myself to leave you 

Because I’m madly in love with you   

Outro:

There are no words to describe you

I'll never find anyone who can compare

There are no words to describe you

And my love for you 

Please don't you ever forget

all the things we’ve ever said to each other

***

I was originally worried it was a synchronicity about Hopoe, announcing me or her exiting the relationship. 

But after the charged moment of a couple days ago, I realized this cannot be the case. The charge is still here, the history is here, it's still mutual. None of us has played with the other, and I'm not planning on going away. Charge still there? There's still something. No quitting. And I'm still not re-blocked. No quitting on her side, either, probably. 

I think I would know if it were the case. I would feel it.

Phew.

***

...That said, the real synchronicity is much more painful. 

It's not a farewell to her, or a breakup. It's my farewell to the world.

The world I live in, in which you cannot be a person in pain without being fixed, or having an injunction to "fix things". In which you're seen as broken for having emotions like anyone else.

Anyone who's been through everything I've gone through and am still going through would hurt. Would "see the world in black". Would "not take failure well".

I'm looking at you, Ms. Advisor. I just feel damn awful that you, someone I was trusting because we work mostly the same mentally, have just dismissed me like that, even if I guess there was a layer of professionalism. 

Positivity. Seeing the silver lining. "The star will always shine".

Hera, Leo. Please. I like you. I understand you want to do well by me. But you're not helping. 

Rather, Hera, you were helping when you were just here, listening, and not trying to fix me when I cried.

That is the real healing for me. Letting the storm break, pass, and then go. 

But why do I have to tell people to do this. Why is it that people don't know how to sit with someone in pain rather than immediately try to sweep it under the rug, or make it "not a problem" anymore. Hell why is it a problem in the first place, rather than a signal something IS wrong, not with the person, but with the things happening to them? Even if it's a part of life?

How did our ancestors...? Deal with that? In the caveman days? What exactly would happen? 

How about in former times?

***

If I confess any of the pain I've held inside for this long, I'll probably be told to "go to a therapist". I don't know why but I feel Cassiopeia could tell me this. Even if she would care, or try to do well. 

I can't take it. I love her but I couldn't take that blow.

 Being told to "see someone" again, like everyone has told me to. Bellatrix did, she's in therapy, she's actually seen a colleague die from a heart attack. Therapy helps her. Good for her.

But saying this to me, throwing this at me, like I haven't realized what therapy truly does to someone whose mind sees more than the average person. Even as I always feel like I'm bragging when I say it.

It doesn't help. It just makes you functional. It tries to gaslight you into being happy in a world that is killing every single one of us because the elites care more about power, profit, and their own little ego.

It's not a one-size-fits all, even as the world desperately wants it to.

Surprise. Be yourself, but the magic wand works for everyone, and if it doesn't work for you, it certainly means you're sick.

Wow, so be yourself or be like everyone else? Make up your mind.

***

I feel like I'm breaking apart. I'm so tired, so, so tired.

It's a good thing I'll have two weeks away soon. Fate gave me a nudge: I had originally planned my leave between July 20 and July 24 (so technically going from July 18 to July 26), but then I realized that we civilians work neither on July 13 and July 14, our national day. So we get a loooong ass weekend and we would only be working three days that week. 

The ori tahiti workshop I was about to buy my expensive ticket for (with Makau Foster and her daughter Kohai, this lady is the one who created the very prestigious Tamariki Poerani troupe, that's NOT something to miss, ffs I already missed Aie Manuel... who won the Heiva twice in a row... I wasn't going to miss Makau), was cancelled and postponed to 2027. I got the news just a few days ago and am glad I waited to book. It would've happened in October.

Given that the leave I had planned to take in October, I chose to move it to the July 13 week... so I will be going to my mother's place for two weeks. 

Two weeks away.

I don't want to be far from the ones I love, from Hopoe, from Cepheus and his team... even from Passiflora and Chara. But I need to. I will be away, I will be resting, and I will be... I will simply let the office talk.

Maybe they'll never mention me, at all.

No time. So many things. So little time. So little space.

***

Next week is the last I see Esme. I will bid farewell to her. She has actually placed leave right before her transfer, probably to get more time to prepare or just exit sooner.

I feel our paths will cross again, and she'll be in a position where she still interacts with us every now and then, but I don't want her to go. 

Especially knowing that she is likely having second thoughts.

But again. What can I do about it?

What can I do about the fact that I'm entirely alone with what I carry? With the fact that most of the time, I will not find any anchor? 

I'm so tired of "self-care". We shouldn't be focusing this much on ourselves. It's not our nature.

I hate those heresies so much.

***

In the end, what keeps me alive? Is it pure survival instinct? Is it the fact that I haven't done everything I wanted? The fact I have not come home yet?

The sense that maybe, people like me are needed in this world?

That's something Hopoe once told me. Granted, we were talking about languages and curiosity. It was on the last day we had any sort of normal conversation. I sensed she was nervous, and she did not finish her plate that day, when usually she would. 

Back when she was living in the East, she never learned German, and yet German is widely spoken there. She is not someone to learn the local language. French, English (I reckon she has a low-ish level, on her file it was the first level that she passed), Tahitian... that's enough for her. Three languages.

Me? I've touched many. In addition to French and English, I have two more. And of course, there is Tahitian by bits in here. I used to study Japanese for a short time in college. 

There needs to be people like you in the world, she told me.

Oh, but there needs to be people like you, too, I returned it to her with a flirtatious wink.

I remember Austral was sitting with us at the lunch table that day. She looked at us as if she was suspecting something was going on, but then said:

Well, maybe there needs to be both?

To think that just two days later, I would see Hopoe in the crowd with the others, and that her face would not change colour upon seeing me like it did in the past. That her eyes would look angry, her arms crossed.

And that when I greeted her, I greeted a wall. 

I did her a bise as I always did, putting my hands on her arms. 

Hers were crossed. Rigid. Made of stone.

In just two days. 

Did she mean what she said to me that day?

I miss her.