Tatau dilemma

 Yeah. I'm actually having a massive dilemma about which of my tatau to do first.

After what happened with Cassiopeia, I had the idea of getting a small one on my neck, below the ear, which would be about the thing that has followed me since childhood: that I'm the one to see a lot of things, but that I am never believed, and that my voice can be either a weapon or an instrument of healing. But I'm not one to do those impulsively, and tatau is so sacred that it's not exactly something you should get on a whim (I'm glaring at those assholes going to Polynesia for a trip or a mission and coming back with a "souvenir" tattoo... just, fuck you. I hate that some people I really love like Bellatrix or Minerva have such tattoos, but... still I don't approve of such a practice). 

The other tattoo idea is one I've had for longer. The one about Hopoe. I wanted it initially to go from my hand to my deltoid, and to only get it once I know how the story ends. But I'm reconsidering that idea: it should cover the arm that I made cuts on during the blocking, during the two suicide attempts, and could be left with a possibility of continuing it later. Tatau are made in such a way that you can actually make them evolve. It's a relatively common practice as well. 

In this case, it would go from my wrist to... a little above my elbow. And I want tiare 'apetahi, the flower of Hopoe's island (Raiatea), somewhere either along the line of the radial artery, or on the self-harm scars. 

Of course, I want Tane to be involved in at least one of the cases. He knows me. I know him. And he will get it. 

I mean, he himself was locking himself up in his studio with all the Jack bottles when his ex-wife left him. Thought he'd die, even if he survived and still is in good terms with his ex, as well as his teenage son. He's got PTSD from Afghanistan and from having been thrown into a mental hospital, fed medications that left him marks (one of his eyes has a dark circle under it that I thought was natural, but it's actually a side effect of one of those meds that left him a permanent mark), rather than sent back to Ua Pou to heal with his family and community. 

But all of this feels so fresh. Yet at the same time, the tatau calls. For my ankle tattoo, I waited a while before even messaging Tane in the first place. The suicide attempt scars haven't entirely healed. Perhaps I need to wait it out a little more, but at the same time, I'm concerned that by the time it has healed, they won't be visible enough anymore. 

It's so weird. I'm so embarrassed about walking around with such visible scars. My other self-harm scars could be mistaken for older. Those are unmistakably the result of a suicide attempt: who the hell cuts vertically and has such long cuts if they're just... doing regular cutting? You can just tell that I tried to get my radial multiple times. I don't want to look crazy. I probably act crazy enough and I still have no idea how people will see me when I return. Or if I don't risk yet another attack from Hopoe because of the attempt itself. 

Like, if she could just... attack me like this while I just happened to be behind and didn't want to avoid the snack bar just not to be behind her, then... could she do it again?

And this time I don't know, tell me I ruined her life or something? Or that I should be locked up or I don't know what else?

***

Other than that... this morning I had a blood panel. Asked my new doctor to get one. I should get the results this evening. Just a check-up for regular health, considering that now that I know myself to have at least one chronic condition, it's not impossible I'm fucked in some other way and asymptomatic.