Unheard

 I told my mom I was afraid of going back, tomorrow. Of what I could do to myself once I'm alone. Not that I want to (I absolutely don't, for real, every time I've come close to the edge it was dreadful, who in their right mind would think I'm enjoying it?), but that I'm afraid that given my state, I will be so worn down and in such a state that I would end up snapping a third time. I'm just in an extremely fragile state right now.

What she told me was that she thought it would be a shame to lose my job, my connections, all that I've been building towards.

Needless to say... I feel like she isn't hearing me.

Cass has opened an Instagram account but I'm afraid of giving her a follow. I don't know if I want her to have a window on my life right now. 

I'm just afraid, you know.

I know that if anyone, ANYONE who is involved tells me something among the lines of "you have to see the bright side", or worse, "you don't kill yourself over this", I would go nuclear. Maybe not Hopoe levels of nuclear, but I would go absolutely ballistic.

You don't know SHIT. 

What do you know about me? What do you know about HER? Look you don't even know about my father's hidden side, you don't know the "good man", the "man with a heart of gold" can literally push his wife to the limit (my mom almost attempted to take pills in front of him once, I was sleeping at the time) just to have her boot him and divorce so he doesn't have to do the dirty work, how can I trust you to know anything about Hopoe who plays the role of the strong independent "straight" woman so well and accuses me of "thinking on her behalf" when I notice something real?

Yes because this happened. I will recount it later on here, perhaps when I'm feeling a little better or on a day I have nothing in particular to account for, but Hopoe, when things started to get weird and when she started getting nervous, accused me of overthinking and "thinking on her behalf". Well of course I'm going to care when you've been sweet, blushy, always by my side, getting close, and all of a sudden you dart forward, you radiate nervousness and black spikes (this is how I would see it in my mind), and you refuse to tell me what's going on?

I'm just.. Capella is so good to me. I'm just grateful for her. But how can I even. I don't have the bandwidth to endure anymore. I can't endure being in a 6-person office anymore, especially with the looming threat of an aikane possibly attacking me a second time for no apparent reason, just because I happen to, God forbid, exist in the same space without even talking to her. A new heatwave is coming and I'm already not sleeping well, nobody is. 

I have no idea how I'm going to endure this. I just hope my doctor gives me a good month of medical leave. I can't just come back to work as if nothing happened. I can't just... endure as usual. I'm down and nobody hears me until I take drastic measures.

***

I remember the first times I would cut, as a twelve-year-old...

...and how I was called a drama queen and an attention seeker, because I would show them, first. I thought that people would care. That they would understand something was wrong. I was almost playful doing so. 

Nobody caught it. When I punched my reflection in a mirror at that same age, the school nurse and school doctor warned my mom that this was a red flag for depression and major issues.

My mom just said it was a teen thing, that she, too, had cut her arms when she was young. 

She also once tried to commit suicide around age 16, with pills, walked around to go to friends' places completely drugged like I was on Xanax last time, and then went back to sleep at home. 

Fuck, the last thing I want is to be this close to possibly truly dying and having no going back, but at times I feel it's the only way anyone hears me, at all. But a dead person can't speak anymore, and I have so much to say. So much, in fact, that I'm pouring it all here because that's probably the only safe space I'll ever have.

***

How do I even stay sane and not go into psychosis (which would be my absolute nightmare) if everyone treats me as if I'm insane? Or as if what I'm going through is nothing? Or as if Hopoe was "just a lesson", was "meant to awaken me", when she was foreshadowed so long before and literally everything about us aligned in a way that is not found easily? Or if I'm just "on the journey" or whatever else? 

I almost can't look at astrology or things like that because the way it is read and taught today is just so damn individualistic, always about "the self", and whatnot... it's always about "your evolution", "your journey", "your lessons"... 

This is also why I'm having the massive spiritual crisis. Because the framework it is built on today is more damaging than anything. And the world, itself, as it is now, feels damaging to me.

I just have no idea where to look anymore and it's terrifying me to the point I'm afraid of having a heart attack, or to have a sort of "mental heart attack", where my psyche purely and simply dies, and... I'm just left to be a shell, going along with the motions.

Please let it not be that.

Please let it spare me.

For once.

Because for everyone else's bullshit which they get away with, I always seem to get disproportionate punishment.