I'm not free

Writing this tired. Last night was hot and rough, but thankfully, the heatwave will be easing this week. Plus, I may eat some ice cream, it will help me hold on a little more.

I'm not free, no.

Some would think that I am free from Hopoe. That I'm far away. That I should think of something else. That most likely, we won't see each other again or something. Or whatever. Nobody is in my bones. Nobody can feel, in their chest, the presence or the blockage of the one they love. The thread that's linking two hearts across time and space. Something unbelievable, but undeniably real when you do experience it.

***

People don't realize. I don't know how can one live like "normal" people do. It feels like an existence that's entirely bland and devoid of anything interesting. If "healthy" means "boring", then I don't care for "healthy" stuff. If "healthy" means "unchallenging", then count me out of this. If "healthy" means "mediocre wearing the mask of supposedly good", then yeah, again, count me out. If I have to settle for someone I'm merely lukewarm about, then I'd rather be alone and leave this person alone, too. 

Mom says that until people have experienced what you're going through, they will never understand and keep trivializing and all. What I don't get is how I can empathize with people regardless of if I have gone through what they have, or not, and how it is possible that actually so few people seem capable of it. To me it's glaringly obvious. Apparently not for everyone.

I don't think I want to be "free" anyway. I love her and I would still fucking never forgive myself if anything happened to her as a result of what went on, even if I'm not the one who caused the catastrophe in the first place. If I were to learn her death, I would make sure I'm somehow ending up on Ra'iatea and never leave it ever again.

Because regardless, I love her. She's my Hopoe. And I have accepted it long ago as... a simple part of life. It's just how it is. 

That might make me a loyal woman to this one. That might make me entirely fucked in the head. That might make me a "hopeless romantic" (barf, this word is so condescending). Or whatever else.

None of it really matters.

***

My mom still loves my father after all he has done to her and never replaced him. And yet he did some really awful stuff to her, treated her like absolute garbage to try and ensure SHE would be the one to boot him off and file for divorce so he would NOT have to be a man and take matters into his own hands and...  you known, own the fuck up? 

Ten years after this godawful divorce he still speaks to her whenever there is any matter with me, but trash-talks her behind her back. Even as he has moved on with two different women, married another, divorced said woman, and now has my stepmom that he may or may not have cheated on already.

No one tells her that she "should get help". That's an invention of hyper-individualism. The one that somehow assumes we are broken in the first place and that suffering is not normal. Or that there's the whole "pattern" thing. In other words if you can't have the ideal relationship like "most people", barring the fact it probably has never been a thing in the first place, must mean you're broken and you "need to heal your childhood trauma" (aka, expiate your sins), to "have healthy relationships" (salvation) or else you're doomed to go through the same trash over and over again until you implode (damnation).

So Christian. Fucking Christians haven't just colonized everything. If you're Christian I don't hate you, don't take it this way. I'm mad at Christianity itself and how everything in this Western society is a product of it, not at Christians themselves, in fact many are sweet people. 

Also, my mom saw the hidden sides of my father nobody else sees. It's similar to what happened with Hopoe. She saw the underworld, nearly died of despair, and loved him anyway. She would've stayed with him even if he had been awful to live with. Because she loved him.

Me? I would've argued the fuck out of Hopoe, but the only thing that would've made me leave (and probably break into despair in the process) would've been stuff like abuse. Physical, financial, all of this. And even with that, I would've loved her still.

She's my Hopoe. My aikāne.

***

I'll be twenty-seven in early Sagittarius season. I'm right into this world. People would probably tell me to "go to therapy" and other nonsense. That what I feel for Hopoe, and what I still feel and stand by, is somehow proof that I have a problem and that I should be "saved". Like I should be saved from myself? I did not try to commit suicide because I hated myself. I imploded, that's different. I have other things to do in life than stare at my own navel. When people talk about loving or hating yourself I still get puzzled because... so much focus on the self just feels so unnatural to me.

Therapists are just going to gaslight me into thinking this wasn't love, this was "a trauma bond," this was "dependency", everything they say to you to invalidate the fact that love isn't always jolly and pretty, but that it can make you enter the underworld. That it's something that does terrible things to people sometimes, but that at the end of the day, it's just... part of life. Part of you.

I don't know what they'd tell her. For those who believe the A-side, perhaps, "good riddance, this was a crazy girl". But those who sense the B-side, have seen it, or even have an inkling I was not the issue, "maybe you should be honest with yourself". But I bet that whoever tells Hopoe that is going to get the same punishment as me.

***

Is she on leave? Is she at work like nothing happened? How are the others holding up? How are they looking at her? 

I do hope for a form of justice. For them not to look at her with the same fondness they did. To realize that there's a Hopoe they had no idea existed. It feels selfish, but I want her to get some payback for what she did to me.

In a sense, with that Whatsapp deletion and probably everything she might be going through with knowing she damn near killed her aikāne, the woman who saw even her darkest sides and would stay without flinching (...I kind of hate myself for phrasing it like that, I don't want it to come off as bragging or "after all I did for her" sort of thing, but I also have possibly been the only one who saw the darker Hopoe and still chose to stay), I think justice is probably working itself out. Internally. She's getting her payback. I will not need to have her prosecuted: she already got her punishment.

I have no strength to even send anything to Cassiopeia. I wanted to send her pictures of my cats, but I can't even pick up my phone to do so. I wanna talk to no one. I'm just good with my mom. 

I have a friend I could see during those two weeks here but quite frankly... I'm not even sure I can. Not because she tires me out or anything. But I just don't have the will to even socialize. 

No, I think all I want to do is... rest. Replay games I haven't played in a long time. Currently doing so with Valiant Hearts, which my brother got me at Christmas when I was 14 and quite the history buff. More WWII than WWI, but still.. for a very long time, WWII never left me. And I think deep down it hasn't, still. It just changes countries and focus, as if I needed to see both sides of the future iron curtain. 

And be with my cats.