I survived.
I took an entire plaquette of Xanax (about 15 pills) along with Hinano and attempted to cut my radial, again, but I survived.
I think I should give a proper account of yesterday regarding Hopoe though, but... this morning, I have a heavy heart, I want to cry, and most of all: I think what she did, in the way she did, is not something I can forgive.
No, I cannot forgive it. I love her, yes, but the way she did things is just something that surpasses my limits.
It's not about rejection. The others will think I went hysterical over her telling me she's "straight", though she's obviously not, that it's just an unrequited crush gone wrong. Hell, I think the story is such among them.
They can believe whatever they want.
None of this shit matters.
But Hopoe.
It's about having twisted my words. It's about having publicly humiliated me. And it was done on purpose.
Purposeful harm is something I can never forgive, especially when it nearly kills the person on the receiving end.
***
So yeah. Yesterday, I was already feeling dissociated and depressed. I'm so exhausted that I was barely surviving the days leading up to my leave.
Then, as I'm going out for lunch, I come across... guess who? Hopoe. Along with Virgo and Austral.
I never do it, but I immediately turn my head. I'm just not feeling like feeling any charge right now, no intensity, nothing, I refuse. And I have a hint of fear in me.
I keep walking. They take another route rather than the one I take, and I see them coming out of the other side of a building, probably to cut corners. I walk fast, so I catch up with them fairly quickly. Say hello to Austral. Hopoe turns out to be right in front of them, and close to me. I'm literally not chasing her, but I'm starting to think:
Oh, crap.
And I'm heading to the snack bar... and so is she.
Shit.
So I continue. I mean, am I going to flee just because she's here? I just happen to be in the same space.
That's when she turns to me and, completely out of nowhere, blurts out angrily:
Just for the record, I don't like girls.
I'm taken aback, but I keep calm.
Ah, so the word got passed-
No, like, I don't like girls, so stop messing with me.
Her aggression just feels weird to me.
...Why must you be so angry about it?
Austral and Virgo are coming behind us.
Listen, Hopoe, I'm just living my life-
You live your life, yeah, you go COMPLAIN in the office of-
That's when I break. I immediately break into tears. Cassiopeia had spilled the beans while telling me Hopoe would not say anything to me.
COMPLAINING?? I spilled out a secret that had been eating away at me for EIGHT MONTHS!
I literally physically collapsed at this point. Fell to my knees. I kept repeating "I almost died, I almost died", because those were the only words that could come out.
Austral took me aside and started giving me the speech about how "it's clear now, you can be free, you know she isn't into you, yada yada", "she's blunt, I mean, she's Tahitian" (lol like I don't know that, and like bluntness equals being a straight up asshole?) but I was having none of it. I just didn't need that kind of lecture and she was trying to be here for me but that just wasn't what I needed.
I tried to tell her it's not about "Hopoe being gay". It's not "about feelings". It's something else. Entirely. That I cannot rationalize.
Look, Hopoe likes you, Hopoe has been there for you-
I sat there, wide-eyed.
There for me? She did help me out once, but where was she when I was triggered? Where was she when I had to drive 500km after exiting my father's house? Where was she at my first time at ori tahiti, at my first tamure marathon, at my first festival? Where was she when I was needing her?
No, she was lecturing me about "having to cope on her own", and the fact she "can't understand that people who have everything can stay down", and other things she started telling me during a 4 hour text conversation when she had started closing off.
Hopoe, she's not a mean girl! I know her by heart, she's an amazing girl, look...
Then I don't exactly remember if it was the trigger, but Virgo came and Hopoe must've done or said something because I literally collapsed like I was fainting, again. Might've been all three at once. I just could not take those words. I could not. It felt, yet again, like my reality was being denied. Like I was the "only factor" as to why Hopoe became the way she is.
I was conscious, though checked out, but I was so exhausted my legs quite literally gave out. They thought I was having a blackout, so they both lifted me and put me on a chair. People were looking concernedly.
I went entirely non-verbal.
Austral asked me if I wanted water. I shook my head. Virgo asked me if I could breathe correctly. Weak nod from me. They got me a meal, even if I couldn't eat it and I unfortunately had to toss it today when I came back because even if I had put it in the fridge, the veggies just didn't look right to me.
I was barely here. I was gone, retreated, too exhausted to move. A lifeless body.
Meanwhile, Hopoe had sat near the spot where I collapsed, and was looking at the scene distantly, almost coldly. No reaction on her end. She did not come to assist me, she did not come to do anything. She just stayed here, behind. I tried to meet her gaze a couple times, but she would meet it for one second and then look away, looking like she put on a façade of indifference.
I don't think someone can be truly indifferent here unless they're a proper monster, but.
I think Hopoe went to the mess hall afterwards. When we came out, I walked up to her level and said, in a desperate attempt to be heard:
You have the right to be angry, Hopoe, but you don't have the right to take it out on me!
I thought she hadn't heard me, since she was yelling at someone, so then I pushed the door to come outside. But right as I exited, Virgo and Austral were restraining her.
Yeah, you think you have the right to come to the office?? she shouted angrily.
Remember that I literally went to confront her there once.
Austral is still trying to comfort me outside. I can barely walk. She tells me I must move on, I must "advance", and multiple times I tell her I just don't need words, that I understand she's trying to do well.
I collapse, again. To the hot asphalt.
Hey, come on, get up, Aka. The ground is hot.
Two guys thought I had heatstroke. I almost didn't care if the damn thing was to boil me alive. But still, I got up again.
Austral said that I would be free to meet someone new, and other platitudes that just entered an ear and came out of the other. I just couldn't be bothered, really. But what I recall is:
You have to be careful who you vent your secrets to, this person has betrayed you, you should go up to this person and tell them hey, it's not good to spill the tea like that...
But inside, the light had gone out.
I put my hand on her shoulder. I just wanted to show her I was not angry.
Thanks, Austral. But I said my goodbyes a long time ago.
I think she didn't register what I had just said.
See you later.
Yeah. Later.
I went to my room, and I did it.
Just before, I texted Cassiopeia.
"Cass, I wish you hadn't betrayed me."
"Hi'iaka, I haven't, I just warned Hopoe that she needed to talk to you because you weren't hearing me when we were together. It was just advice. I don't want you to resent me, I just don't want you to be unhappy... you have a whole life ahead of you and plenty of time to find your soulmate! Take care, x"
The story is here. I did not hear Cass. It's all a matter of "I didn't hear" and "it was just advice".
I still am never going to confide in her again.
***
I sent a text to my mom, no reply. As I knew the Xanax would begin to act, I didn't know quite whether I'd survive or not. I didn't want her to just learn I had died, or for my body to be found decomposed.
Texted Capella too. Told her I wouldn't make it this afternoon. She asked me why. I said that I might just not be alive at all.
I was crying, crying over the phone, crying like I had never before on a phone call. Sat in my bathroom. I had the knife, the beer. My best friend, beside me. Hinano.
Mom, can you stay on the phone with me while the light goes out?...
What do you mean?
I just took an entire plate of Xanax and a Hinano and... I cut my arm...
She screamed.
But you're going to poison yourself! Call the ER!
Stay in line, mom...
I'm calling the ER.
Capella then called me. She sent Esme to look for me. I took my cat plushie, my red pareu, and went to sit outside my room in case she wouldn't be able to find it.
Esme held me. The whole time. She sat cross legged and placed my head there, holding my arm. Capella was nearby, worried. She called for an ambulance. The same lady who had taken my blood pressure after the shelf incident was here, though she was probably only here to check in case I was truly passing out.
I gave Esme my phone with my mom's number on it as to stay on the line. She did. Talked to my mom as I was telling the voluntary firefighter lady what had happened. I was very very careful not to have her accidentally call Hopoe: now that would have killed me on the spot.
At some point, I was starting to feel really weak.
Esme, can I hold your hand?
She held mine. I replaced it properly, and I squeezed it.
I will never forget this moment. Esme, who is so restrained, who shows nothing, who is apparently nonchalant, now...
I think this is the moment I can say I could finally call her a friend.
Esme, to think you'll have this last memory of me before you leave...
Oh, but we'll call! she replied.
We'll call.
Oh. Something I had sensed since we started working together. That deep down, this was a friend in the making. I was right, after all. Maybe this incident just... opened her armour up.
***
In the ambulance, Cassiopeia called me. I told her I was going to the hospital, that I had... well. You know. And I told her, in tears, to not tell Hopoe. That I didn't want her to feel guilty.
But Hi'iaka, Hopoe won't feel guilty.
You think?
I don't think Hopoe is a sociopath. I think anyone, if they ever heard that their cruelty nearly killed someone, would rationalize it but deep down feel a lifelong traumatic imprint.
I think she probably told her anyway, and if not, it will come to Hopoe's ears either way.
We stayed on the phone for a while, I don't remember how long. But then I arrived at the hospital and all. It was about 1:30pm and I was supposed to see a psychiatrist before being discharged. Nurses said my father was in the lobby but I told them I just did not want to see him. To tell him to go.
For real. No. Going from a suicide attempt to the suicide house? That's one surefire way to make sure I genuinely DO commit suicide.
***
I just had my cat plushie to hold. Regressive at almost twenty-seven, I know. But it helped. I think you're never too old to carry a plushie.
At around 7pm, I texted Capella.
"Warrant Officer, I don't know if I can make it tomorrow or on Friday. I don't want people to see the cut (actually multiple small cuts in the sameish spot as I was desperately trying to trace my radial artery) on my arm, I'm ashamed of it. Plus, still no doctor at this hour. I think I might spend the night here.
Would you give me the corporal [Esme]'s number if you have it? I never quite dared ask her. And since I'm not sure she will still be here by the time I'm back. There's still email but I'd love to keep her in my contacts. Not everyone holds you when you're laying down after attempting suicide.
Good evening to you."
Capella replied that she was so, so glad I was okay, and even referred to me by "tu". It looks like shared trauma brings people closer. I wish I could do the same for her. That we would find an arrangement, that I shouldn't worry about the next couple of days, and that the most important thing was that I was safe and taken care of. She said, let them take care of you tonight, and rest well.
I love her.
Just a few minutes later, it was Esme that called me. Asked me if I was okay. We had a short conversation, but I smiled. I did sense in her voice that she was happy that I was okay. Esme who shows nothing, happy. Comforting, even.
***
I also texted Cassiopeia a little more during my wait. I felt I needed to. I didn't want to leave this on an accusation of betrayal even if I do feel like she's betrayed me, even if not out of malice. She wanted to arrange things and just had no idea... I hope. But she does love me, too. I really don't think she would've done this on purpose to break us.
"Funny, really. That she said I went to complain in your office. What she doesn’t know is that I’ve been protecting her all along. The reason why I would never speak about it was because I wanted to protect her. I didn’t want her to come across as the bad guy in any way. But I couldn’t keep my secret any longer either, it was killing me.
I don’t know when the doctor’s coming, but I’m fine right now, I'm in the ER with my kitty.
My voice would just mute itself out every time I wanted to talk about it. Because, Cassie, my voice is dangerous. As soon as I open my mouth to speak the truth, it wrecks havoc all around, and it proves true, time and time again. That’s also why I say nothing. I have so much to say. So little time. But above all, my words are grenades. They utterly devastate everything they touch.
This is why I write so profusely. Why I blog. Why I say nothing. Mutism. I talk so much on the surface, but I never mention the most important things. Mutism, as always.
Anyway, I’m running out of energy. I’m waiting for that bloody doctor so I can get back to the ward and have some peace and quiet. Have a good evening. And… sorry. For everything."
She told me, again, to take care, with a kiss.
***
But the rest of the night was awful. I could not sleep because there were always the lights on. I wasn't alone in a room: it was a double one, and I had several ladies come here for various emergencies. So the fucking lights would turn on, all the time.
IT TOOK. UNTIL. 3 AM. TO SEE. THE PSYCHIATRIST. But in the end, he gave me the green light for getting out. He looked tired as shit: his eyes were so red I ended up telling him, Doctor, you need a coffee. He laughed. Yeah, he did need one.
It was quite stressful to stay here because I did not have a phone charger and only the nurses had them, but people had been stealing them so much that they basically charged your phone at the entrance hall.
***
It was Leo who came to get me at the hospital this morning. Esme was the one to call me right as I was getting discharged and thinking of calling her. She is still happy that I am okay. Wanted to try and arrange things with Leo as to be able to come drive me home, but then Leo called and said Esme has no car, so he would be the one to come and get me.
During the whole drive, he did serve me his usual platitudes, but I told him about the complexity of things. It got philosophical, but I could tell he was relieved I was okay. Of course, he told me about my father and all, but I remained on my positions: I am never forgiving my father.
People criticize Leo all the time. He's indeed terrible at organizing. He's indeed out of touch with reality. But at the end of the day, he's the one who came to get me from the hospital.
At the end of the day, he's an imperfect human, and he can be a honestly terrible colonel, but as a person, he cares. He's just awkward and a bit clownish.
***
So, I'm home now. Typing this. I can't find my scalpel and have no idea where I put it. I have dishes to wash, and Esme called me to come see a football match at a friend's house.
I hate football. But I agreed.
Why?
Because I think it's not about football. It's just a hangout. It's the moment that counts, and if she goes out of her way to try and make me feel better, I will definitely come.
***
But, yeah. This morning, I got up with a heavy heart.
I felt like Hopoe had crossed a line.
I don't mind her being scared and lashing out. I don't mind her empty threats to slap me in the face. I don't mind her moods and her whole ass "good vibes only" preachy stuff that she can't even apply to herself, because let's be honest, where are the good vibes here?
I don't mind her saying that "I'm the one working myself up" when she does absolutely worse just to be right, or just to never have to own up to a mistake.
I don't mind her pride, actually. Pride is her biggest sin.
But... when she said I went to complain to Cassiopeia, I was shattered worse than ever.
She probably knows I almost died. And threw it in my face. She used it against me.
That is unbelievably cruel. I don't know if it was to make sure I would never come back, or another test, or whatnot, or if she was angry at losing control again, but that was absolutely the worst thing to ever say to me.
Because I know she's closeted. That's not the worst part about her.
But what I just cannot forgive is purposely using sensitive information to hurt someone.
I don't know if she had the intent to make me kill myself. I don't think she realized. That said, if she DOES know that her punishment in October caused me in part to attempt, and purposely does it now... now that would be monstrous behaviour.
But until I have proof, which I don't exactly want to gather... I think I prefer to believe she has no idea. That her pride got the best of her.
Still. My heart is heavy. I cannot forgive that. I still don't think the bond is dead. It can't die.
That with my father never died, either.
But sometimes... you just can't forgive, you know. Therapy shills always talk about forgiveness and all "for yourself", but it's vast bullshit. Forgiveness is a choice.
And... fuck. I can't forgive this. I don't think I can. It's all too much for me.
I love you, my Hopoe, still.
No comments:
Post a Comment