Happy birthday Cass

Texting exchange:

Cass! Happy fifty!

Thanks, x

I hope everything is well on your side, and on the others', even... considering the recent context.

My stomach kind of turned sending this last one, but... I have so much to say. I just... I don't know. I want to speak about my medical leave, but... you know.

She still has not replied to it. The silence feels charged. I guess this is an admission, in its own way, that not everything is fine. Though if she were to tell me that all is well, I'd also be very skeptical. That would be a lie. Unless this is a team of psychopaths, which I doubt... I feel there would be a dark fog surrounding the group regardless.

I guess I did ruin the cohesion, as I suspected. This is also one of the reasons why I did not open up when Hopoe started acting up last year. I didn't want to ruin the cohesion, create drama, and have Hopoe be painted as the bad guy, but also be the one who "plays the victim". 

In fact, I've been accused of playing the victim so many times in my life that I cannot bear to actually be the victim. People say they're here for you, but then they go around playing devil's advocate when you actually go up to them, if they don't straight up betray you. 

Thankfully that's not the case for everyone. But those who do act like this condition you for a lifetime.

***

By the way...

...I do want to go to that festival. In August. It's right at the end of my medical leave, but... well. I do want to go. That said, I don't think I will be present on the day there is that tamure marathon. If I see Hopoe I'm going to get into a tailspin. And probably she will, too. 

I want to try and see if I can find Manu, her husband, and her son. And perhaps see Vaima, if she's here. Otherwise, the other shopkeepers from last time. Perhaps Tane, too. I think he could be there like last time. Now whether things have gone well with his girl or not, I don't know.

But I do want to go. I do... just to be home for a bit. Get some 'uru and a Hinano and just fucking chill at a table and maybe get other earrings and perhaps a couple flowers or pareus. Like last time.

But I feel like waiting before booking my accomodation. I may just go for a day...