Better look

It does look better this way, right?

Chose to have it be red and flowery rather than all black. It's still easy on the eyes and it's not overwhelming. Plus I added some CSS to make my articles' background a little darker but still transparent. 

I also spent a while reorganizing my tags this morning. Now you won't see everybody's name in the tags list on the sidebar, but instead I have only kept the main few and added links to the name directory as to be able to find any post where someone is mentioned and/or plays a role. Thought it would not just look better, but also be easier to navigate for myself and for just anyone who pops in here for... any reason. 

I wonder if anybody's been reading me, at all. I'd be curious to know and at the same time, I'm afraid that if I know I was watched, I wouldn't be able to write as freely as I've been doing the whole time this blog's been active. So... manifest yourself or not, I don't know.

Anyway. I didn't have a great night, thanks to my cat who stressed the living Jesus out of me right as I was trying to fall asleep. I remained for three hours in bed trying desperately to sleep until I felt I was going to have a heart attack and got up to drink tea. Woke my mom up... wish I didn't. But ye, sometimes my cat can get pretty... awful.

You never quite know when he's gonna act up, so you can't quite relax. On some evenings he's quiet, on others he just wrecks your night. 

That said it didn't prevent me from walking to the store to get some candies mom asked for, and petting the neighbourhood cats, and getting some sun. Because yes, there was a ray of sun, and it probably made the day waaaay easier for me!

Still... I need to rest. I'm no longer feeling as tired as when I had Covid, and I assume that if I had to have post-exertional malaise or if this shit were to devolve into ME/CFS or long Covid, it would've already showed signs. 

Even if normalcy feels scary.

Even if safety feels terrifying because I'm always terrified shit will go down and it's now even worse after my own body fell through my hands. 

I'm just always expecting to get sick and this has happened everytime I got sick, like after I had norovirus, I've always been expecting to have it again at the slightest headache or stomach discomfort.

It's been... 9 years since I had it. 

I'm literally sick once in a decade and a single instance can make me absolutely terrified for a stupid amount of time. 

But yes... I do hope my hunch is right. That if I had to deteriorate, I would have already. I'm at about 25 days post onset (if we count the onset as Friday, October 2 night, where I had the weird dream within dreams kind of thing, otherwise I'd be at 24 if it were Saturday, October 3). Just... it wouldn't take 25 days to pop up, right? Especially after a clearly trending upward trajectory?

I'm terrified of having my baseline ripped out from me again. I'm always terrified of having whatever I have taken away and leaving me suffering to the point I don't want to live anymore. I'm so afraid of never making it back to ori tahiti, or to have to stop for months and months on end, getting later and later. 

The one thing that makes me happy, ripped from me.

Because historically in my life the minute I was happy, it was taken away.

Cepheus' team. The golden days of August-September 2025. Hopoe. 

I don't want this anymore.

I do hope the half Xanax I took is gonna act well.