Small group

So, I did go to dance class. I initially sent a message telling the group that I might not make it, but I ended up going anyway. 

(Btw. Hikianalia ended up hearting my haikus. Guess she really did need some time to read them!)

"Hi girls. I'll try to be there tonight. I'm not sick, but I've just had such a massively stressful event happen that I'm having lots of trouble calming down, and I'm afraid I might break.

I really want to dance, though, to let all of this out. I don't want to let this mess stop me. Dance is my joy. And my community.

Can't promise anything, but I'll do my best to be here. See you tonight, maybe. ❤️"

A couple hearted, one sent a hugging emoji. I also told the sick girl to take care.

Despina replied to the sick girl as well, and then to me:

"Oh damn, hope it will be okay 🙏🏼"

By that time, the Xanax had kicked in and I was holding a hot water bottle against my stomach. 

"Feeling a bit better, I'm calming down. I've had a bit of a chat with my mom about what happened, and I wrote about it, so in theory, if the pill doesn’t stop me from driving by then, here I come!"

And I did go... didn't quite feel as drowsy once I ate, and especially once I got reassured that my mom wouldn't judge me.

I always expect her to judge me because when I was younger she could be supportive one day, but a while later say that I'm not "doing all I can" to get out of my situation...

***

We weren't a lot today. One of the girls is sick, as I said. Tara was stuck in traffic due to being in training about 45min away from here and ended up missing the class. Some said they would be there today but didn't come. 

Hikianalia appeared better than on Tuesday. We waited before the class together alongside Despina, another lady I haven't named yet, then Muriel. Her husband complains that his nephew doesn't seem to like him but really loves Hikianalia. Hikianalia told him that he can't expect this kid to immediately warm up to him because he's his uncle, not his dad. "But you women are all about emotions"... hah, manly guy! But that's true, we are, and that's what makes it good.

We practiced some 'ami and fa'arapu using those dance bar things. Not gonna lie, I have no problems doing a 'ami when my legs are apart, but we had to keep them close. It's noticeably harder, but Hikianalia teaches well. The harder part is figuring out which side she means because I think she tends to be mixed up between left and right (hilariously enough), and I do, sometimes, end up the wrong way because logically it should be one way but it's actually the other.

I'm flinching less when she touches my hips to correct, and she even apologized for making me jump at some point lol. Still I was a bit more relaxed because... Xanax.

Aka on Xanax doing ori tahiti is kind of a vibe.

Doesn't mean I will take one every time I go to dance class, I don't have that many remaining anyway. I would have more if I didn't have this wonderful idea of taking 13 or 14 of them with Hinano almost three months ago... but that day, yeah. I mean, given what happened...

***

The lady with the neck fan was here, and surprisingly, I wasn't annoyed at her today.

No, I found myself being sort of tender. Sweet. I wonder if it's my real nature or if it's the Xanax that has mellowed me out for an evening.  

Fucking insane that to be a half-palatable person I have to take pills. Fucking. Insane.

Hikianalia noticed her neck fan and laughed about it. Some of the ladies here asked her for the Amazon link even. To think I was considering it ridiculous just a week ago... still wouldn't wear one, but the contrast with how I was last time I saw her is quite... enormous.

I think I might give her a name. Let's call her... Paula. 

Paulus means small in Latin, and small is vulnerable.

She's nowhere near small, but she is vulnerable. 

I'd better not, you know. Play on it. Evil little shit that I probably am on the inside.

***

After class, I had the surprise of having one of the ladies, who I'll call Kohana (she looks kind of Asian...? and always wears plumeria flowers, just like Gaia!), ask me why I didn't come with them after the reunion. 

I told her that I'm not anywhere near social enough to do this. That I didn't want to be a third wheel. That they are the old guard, that I'm a newcomer, and that I was afraid of not getting inside jokes and shit. Kohana, alongside one lady that is major here but I have no idea how to name yet... said that it was actually open to everyone. That I shouldn't be scared.

I appreciated it, even if... you know. I'm so wary about all of this and I hate it. But maybe next time... or another time...

***

Since Hikianalia appeared to be in a better mood, I chose to ask her about solos before taking my car to drive home.

She hasn't replied yet, but I mean, it's the evening. She'll probably do so in the next days. That said I've always got that hint of anxiety. Like... does she find me annoying or something. Am I doing all the wrong things without realizing it. Does she find me draining... does she find me this or that... it's rather low-key, but I'd be lying if I said that even though I know that her Tuesday mood was nothing personal, I'm still bracing for impact. 

Especially since I started ori a month ago. One month mark is the critical window. It's when the rug gets pulled from under my feet. It's when people suddenly seem to hate me when nothing seemed to predate that. It's when Hopoe closed off. It's when I innocently asked my ex what we were and she lost her words and then spent the next month guilt-tripping me to sleep at her place and then slow-fading. 

"Say, Hikianalia... you'll reply to me when you can. It might seem a bit early given that, well, we're still in a beginners' class 🤭, but at which level can we start thinking about doing solos?

I'm asking because there are certain (Tahitian) songs that mean a lot to me. I can picture myself performing them in a specific outfit, even adding a few little touches of my own...

It wouldn't be the same to perform the same song in a group. An artist learns the rules, masters the rules and breaks the rules, but even as I'm learning, I want to imagine things I could perform once I'm ready...

Have a lovely evening. 🫰🏻🌺"

I do, sincerely, entirely, dreadfully, hope she has not started devaluing me in her mind. Or realized I'm so much to handle. Or how draining I am. Or how crazy I am. Or that she simply doesn't like me very much.

I'm so scared of that, to be honest... and all I can do is let time pass and not stop dancing...

...is it even normal, oh Lord. 

Am I this fucking "codependent", "pathological" or whatever label is convenient to throw at me like a glass of cold water anytime I breathe wrong around a person?

***
Edit: 

forgot to mention it, but I told Hikianalia to take care of herself after class.

She did not set fire to me lmao. I guess she probably appreciates that I care...