The one who always supports others

This weekend I contacted Hikianalia regarding my return to dance classes. Yesterday, in fact. I left this here and went back to my stuff:

"Hi Hikianalia, I wanted to ask you a question about next week. If I do manage to come back, whether it's on Tuesday or Thursday (in any case, I'd really like to be able to do a class before autumn break... bloody damn post-viral fatigue), will I be allowed to take a break if I ever feel a bit sluggish or if my body letting me down during the class?

I don't think you'd be the one to judge me, but I'd still rather ask first, just so it doesn't take you by surprise or worry you, in case.

Also, when classes will resume, I guess we'll be going through the choreography from the start anyway? Even though I'll try to practice it at home anyway, whether it's rehearsing or even doing a few warm-ups to get my muscles back into the swing of things… I'm feeling way better now compared to a couple weeks ago.

In any case, don’t catch this shit, it keeps you out of action for so long it drives you mad 🤭😭"

Sunday passed with a thumbs up on the last message, but I didn't think a whole lot of it. Just figured that she'd reply when she would have some time.

This morning I got a vocal from her. 

"Hello Hi'iaka, listen, I took your messages into account. I just let the weekend pass, because it's important to me to take a break from dance and all. It's not that I'm ignoring your needs or my students', it's just that... I am starting to put things into perspective regarding my family time and all... it's very important to me. 

So, I've read all your messages, and you really don't have anything to worry about, it poses no issue to me. If you're feeling good and capable, physically I mean, to come to class and attend, no problem here. If you need to take breaks and all, it doesn't bother me or anything, I can understand it. If you're not on your feet yet, I do advise you to rest more though. 

You really don't have to worry about the dance learning and all. Learning choreographies isn't something that is made to stress you all out. We all have different capabilities. I think all dances we have, I mean, the one we are walking through right now is accessible to everyone, there's no pressure to get all the movements right just yet. I will say it again in class this week.

So yeah this is the last week before a week without classes, so I think it's important and even better for you that you rest. And if by tomorrow or Thursday you really are feeling better and you feel capable of coming to class, that's good, I will not refuse you, on the contrary. And if you need to rest, you can, if you don't feel well during certain exercises you can rest, I have no problem with that, because you actually took the time to give me a heads up on that, so yeah, I can totally understand all you've written here. No problem, no pressure, all good. Kisses!"

Ah. I actually didn't expect a vocal (which is a bit annoying to transcribe, but it's sweet to hear her!). But damn I really do be having a good teacher...

I replied by text.

"No worries, I figured weekends were for breaks ❤️ This is why I'm letting you take your time to reply. You've got a family, and especially a third lil' one on the way, that's not nothing.

Unless there's an emergency, which, let's face it, would be exceedingly rare of an occurrence, I hardly ever send a follow-up text or a reminder. And I find notifications quite stressful myself, so...

Anyway, thank you, Hikianalia. 🌺 You're lovely. I'll see how it goes this week, if my body's willing to cooperate. I'm feeling pretty fine at the moment, but I want to try and take it easy at least until the third week after my onset is over.

X ❤️"

You can tell I love talking. Lol.

But. 

Thinking about it... and the whole mess with Despina, I doubt Hikianalia would block me the same she did with Despina. Why do I come to this conclusion?

Because of course, while I don't have all the story, I feel Despina might've pressured her even without intending to. 

***

I don't know what her feelings for our dear teacher are at the core, but from what I know... and honestly, I feel that the reason why she got excluded from the Whatsapp chat is that she probably got a bit much on Hikianalia.

Just, I mean. If you see Hikianalia's vocal, she's literally telling me that she takes a break over the weekend and "isn't ignoring me". I hadn't assumed it at all. For sure I had a slight apprehension like I always have when someone is not replying to me in a while, but Hikianalia has a family... like, I definitely am NOT going to expect a pregnant mama to reply to me lightning fast. She's got a husband to love, two little boys to play with, probably some in-laws to contend with (RIP), a house to maintain (because for sure she definitely does the household tasks, as a diehard Mormon I can guess she's very much into traditional types of living, though again... maybe I'll have a surprise there? if one day I happen to hear something, or even talk with the guy?). 

I just see how much she's using reassurance towards me when I haven't really asked for it, and it gets me wondering if people haven't been relying on her too much over the years.

I mean, on one of these old profiles, she straight up set her job to "psychologist for everyone". 

I don't know how many people she's supported in her lifetime and how many were grateful, and how many just used her kindness up to the last available drop, but I'm starting to reconsider if she's truly as innocent as I see her... not in the sense that she'd be a bad person, but if she's truly got the innocence of someone who hasn't been broken like me. 

Like... if she isn't innocent, then it means she's actively choosing to be good.

If I find out that's the case, then I think I'll love her even more. Because damn, someone who chooses to be kind? Better than someone who is kind by default. In a world where people are always out for themselves and treat others like interchangeable objects, someone who chooses to consider others and be kind is absolute gold-standard to me.

But yeah. I have a hunch that... perhaps she's been relied on one too many times, without adequate returns or without being treated like a human being rather than a sounding board.

I know VERY WELL what it's like to be the mom or therapist friend who listens to someone for 25min, but once her turn comes, the conversation turns short. It's a family thing too. The women in my family, my mom, my grandma, my great-gran maybe not, but my great-great-grandma who is pretty legendary, they've all been not exactly always "exploited", but we have that thing of being the ones who care. The ones who support, give a ton, sacrifice, and sometimes it's met with... well.

My uncle, my mom's little brother, mooched off my grandma his whole lifetime, and didn't last two years after she died. He was talented as his construction painter job, but lazy as shit, and he hung out with druggies and even played minders. 

My great-aunt was supported by her mom all the time. She's probably leaning a bit borderline although she's mellowed out greatly with age, but she wasn't always easy to live with, and now it's her two daughters taking care of her.

My great-great-grandma was imprisoned at 13 during WWI by the Germans, and during WWII would go on foot for days to Le Mans to get meat for her children. 

We are carers. Grandma said we are St. Bernards. 

Hikianalia might be one, herself. Insert the equivalent as a Tahitian dog breed. 

I've been here for so many people, but so few have been here for me, and some have been blatantly disrespectful or unwilling to hear me because "I'm too dramatic", "I'm too attached", "I am too much of a worry wart/negative Nancy", "I am too emotional"... or something my brother once said when I was little, and I still hear 25 years later, "you're a little victim".

Dude you were 13 but fuck you.

***

And Despina... well. She seems to be relying a lot on her, and very very attached to her. Which wouldn't be a problem in itself really. She's been through a lot. She's got school phobia like me. She's kicked some bad habits as a teen thanks to Hikianalia. I'll probably get to know more with time, but they have a pretty loaded history, and Despina is here all. the. time. 

I think if I were in Hikianalia's place, I'd feel perhaps a bit overwhelmed. It'd feel like she's one of my closer students, but I don't know if I'd be comfortable with that. I'd totally understand though... but at what point is coming every day healthy, and at what point is it not?

Despina felt betrayed by that something-I-don't-know-that-Hikianalia-told-her a while before she started ignoring her. 

The only thing that would make me feel betrayed by Hikianalia would be a direct breach of trust or just her being a straight up asshole or behaving ungratefully, but again this shit's got a lower and lower chance of happening. 

(....uh oh, this is where it gets dangerous. It's when I'm starting to feel safe. Oooooh my dear Lord please let it be solid ground.)

***

I don't know if it's because I'm in my late twenties, she's in her early thirties (31 years old), and Despina is only 19. At 19 you're definitely not as... matured. 

I mean at 19 I was a jealous piece of shit and people bailing on me was the end of the world and I would hold onto that anger up until I would not lash out at the person (because I'd always assume I was the problem and it wasn't them choosing to let me down all the time, or even sneak behind me which was an absolute trigger), but instead, self-harm. My thighs still bear the marks of that time. I was pretty damn possessive at 19. I know where Despina is coming from.

But still, I think I understand now why Hikianalia has put up such a wall with her. I'm not happy about the fact she excluded her from the group, from all of us, from the information, and about the ignoring, but I get it. 

It's because probably... she's just overwhelmed in the first place. With her pregnancy, family time. And Despina, despite having no bad intentions at all, doesn't seem to realize it. 

So she keeps pushing. She will not be satisfied up until Hikianalia gives her the answer she wants.

...I understand her so, so much.

...Of course, I'm not saying a word of this to Despina. I'll keep it to my blog, as usual.

But perhaps as she grows up and matures further into her twenties, she'll get it. Don't know if Hikianalia will still be giving classes then, or if we'll even all know each other, at all. 

But maybe she will understand. 

Anyway. It's time to go wash my face, put on makeup, brush my teeth.

I looove typing this shit out but it's so time consuming, lmao.

edit: it's around 2:30pm now, Hikianalia has reacted with thumbs-ups to my new messages. Good that she got them. I do hope it makes her feel more secure.