You can't escape your nature

 I'm just craving meat so bad lol. I had a 200g steak today with mashed potatoes and some cheese for lunch, and some Breton crepe tonight that has cheese, potato and onion with beets tonight.

It's the recovery I bet. Those meat cravings are getting crazy.

I'm also having Berocca vitamins, which make my pee neon yellow for a bit and taste like oranges. I got a box for my mom as well, she asked for one.

I did some errands today, yes. Went to the pharmacy for said vitamins, but also took the trash out to the public container (and had to go to a further one because some idiot put a trash bag that was too big in the one closest to my home, gahhh!). Then, later on, I swapped my summer and winter clothes in my drawers and in the wardrobe of the living where I store my cardigans, dresses, long skirts and all. It took me a couple tries, but after a break, I could finish it up and even make two trips to the attic to store the summer clothes without any crash afterwards.

***

Repeated some of the choreography and posted enthusiastically in the group...

"Hah, not easy approximating the steps at home when you barely got any space lol. I'm trying to practice a little without forcing myself too much..."

...But no one replied. No one even reacted.

I'M EMBARRASSED.

I hate, hate being this enthusiastic annoying piece of shit. I know Hikianalia herself said that she wants us to make friendships, and I guess I am playing my part in this, but dear Lord do I feel embarrassed every single time I reply. 

Because I tend to reply something, or to help when someone asks a question, or to give info. In all I just am present, all the time, and I feel it makes me look desperate for connection or something.

Or perhaps like an attention seeker. 

Nevermind that I stopped talking about my illness in here when the doc said that I was due for a lot of rest back on October 6, that I still told Tara, who slowed down a video of Hikianalia demonstrating the dance, that she's the best and Hikianalia herself hearted this comment of mine...

...I just want to make myself so tiny that I'm barely noticeable lol. I can't help myself but reply, talk, react, share things, make my haikus, whatever, I participate so much in this group and I feel nobody else does. THE EMBARRASSMENT.

I feel so damn embarrassing to be around.

I always feel embarrassing when I'm enthusiastic. When my voice gets even a little louder. When I get excited and prance around because my body just has to express it. When I smile, when I laugh, when my eyes sparkle, I feel like I'm an overgrown child who can't keep in her place.

I feel just as embarrassing when I cry or when I "complain", when all I do is voice that I don't agree. 

But do I feel worse when I cry in public or when I'm jumping with enthusiasm?

...I haven't thought about it before right now, but it's kind of a weird draw. 

In all, I guess I feel so damn embarrassing when I'm conspicuous.

Mom says that the elected officials all know me and know that she has a well-liked daughter who was a delight to have at the port a couple years ago, that boaters and tourists absolutely enjoyed it when I was here, I may work at the camping from April to October of '27. Back when I was in middle school, the next year after I left, they apparently bullied a new girl because she "looked like me". We... extremely vaguely look like each other, but it looks like I became some sort of legendary figure.

I'm probably some sort of cautionary tale among Cepheus' team, for some, just like Hopoe. The star-crossed lovers of his team, kinda. I somehow make myself a known figure everywhere I go even without intending it and keeping a low profile.

I'm conspicuous as shit even without trying and I wish I wasn't.

I do want to be seen, but I want my WORK to be seen. I'm not shy about dancing in public because it's not Hi'iaka they're watching. It's the body as a subject, it's the composition, it's the movements, the music, how I'm dressed, what I am doing, but not me. I'm not shy about writing here on the Internet where anybody may read. I'm not shy about posting my art if I do make some, though I haven't picked up my markers in a while.

It's not so much that I want the spotlight on me. In fact, I hate the spotlight itself. 

But what I leave? My legacy? My work? I can hide behind it and it's what I want to leave.

I want my future family members to dig through all my trinkets and possessions when I'll die. Learning about me through them.

I want someone to read this blog, even, kinda. One reader to stumble upon it and just get down this rabbit hole, no matter if they conclude Hi'iaka is one crazy motherfucker or not. 

I want to write novels that are remembered for a very long time because of what they evoke in the reader. I need not be a world celebrity, just a local one. 

If I can have children, I want to transmit them my values and have them carry them from generation to generation.

I want a beautiful grave that someone may one day find, feel inexplicably drawn to, and sit by again and again, possibly talking to me through space and time.

I want a legacy. 

But... me? The person? Nah. Not that important.

***

I see the looks of my friends back in college... when I was, indeed, an insanely excited person, eager to make friends, eager to hang out with said friends, when I would give people nicknames and such. It always felt like... it was unwelcome. I call people "my [name]" when I'm really happy or excited about them, and... 

...I don't know. They never seemed to care, or even like that, it was just visible in their face, and it would make me sad.

Like somehow I deserve to be punished for being attached to people.

I mean it's the same friends who kept saying I was "overly attached" to my crushes, that I had to "detach", "love myself" or whatever BS they're serving to basically say that they're proud of being emotionally unavailable.

But at the time... I didn't consider it BS. Or rather, I did not trust myself to consider this shit BS, because I had even less trust in my own judgement than I do now (which is still not an enormous lot, we do agree on that).

I was 17 or 18, after all.

So I dimmed out.

I stopped. 

And even when my nature springs up, like... when I would call Cassiopeia "Cassie" instead of Cass (obviously not her real name but you get what I'm saying, she had a certain nickname and I just ended up making mine), I felt just as embarrassed.

Yet in my mind, she was Cassie. She was no longer Cass. I had made her mine. 

And it's precisely when I make people mine that I realize how... nobody wants to be mine.

Nobody in their right mind would want to be mine, I guess. 

You truly can't escape your nature. 

***

This is why I no longer try to be "detached" or "undemonstrative", but every time I am "myself", it feels like I am walking on eggshells that are themselves all laid down on those spikes they use to ward pigeons off rooftops or balconies.

Hostile architecture.

Hostile to love.

Why. We're social animals. 

I'm not even an extrovert and I just ask.

why.

***

Hikianalia has made herself a nickname to facilitate pronounciation of her very Tahitian name among the French, but I have actually never called her that. I did once but then I went back to the original nickname I gave her.

Say that if she simplifies as "Hikiana", I call her "Hiki". I don't really know how to illustrate this without revealing her real name, but basically irl it 's a one-letter thing. 

I did try to use "Hikiana", but I went back to "Hiki" because that's just how I call her.

I just can't help it. 

I wonder how she feels about that. She is not correcting me, but I wonder... if she's just too polite to say it. 

I mean, look at how she's probably still ignoring Despina.

***

I know it's nowhere near the same context and perhaps she has actually been "honest" to Despina in the past, thinking that she should've got it (the thing that made her feel betrayed were probably those words), because.. yeah. Hikianalia says that if she has something to say to you, she will. And so far it's been true. 

And yeah, again, I don't have the whole context on the Despina/Kore[/Gaia?]/Muriel ordeal. I may just know it eventually, but now is not the moment and I'm certainly not sticking my nose overtly in Hikianalia's business (nah, there's sleuthing and keeping my mouth shut for that, hehehehe!). 

I haven't asked Despina for an update because I'm busy recovering from Covid and I prefer to stay out of trouble, but she still isn't back into the Whatsapp group anymore. 

Despina, who loves every single of my Insta stories lol. 

I guess she might welcome my enthusiasm?

I do hope so.