Ooooh... Malia.
OH, MALIA.
Who would've thought!
***
There's some guy with a Wallisian-sounding name always reacting to the publications of the dance school. Seeing him again and again got me a little curious, so I went to dig. Aka be Aka, Aka be bloodhound on the internet.
Oh! I see a lot of pictures with a woman who looks like Malia. They look like each other enough that they could be siblings but nope, lovers. And saying hello to the family on the Caillou, which is a slang term for Caledonia!
...I swear, the fucking back-and-forth between Vanuatu-Wallis-Caledonia... this one is impossible to pin down...
***
But the biggest plot twist is that... Malia may actually be way older than what I thought lmfao. I literally see pictures of her from 2011 and she apparently, if it's really her, has... two kids! And it appears the babies were born in 2011 and 2008-ish.
...If Malia was, say, 18 in 2011, that would make her... 33 years old.
If she was born between 1990 and 1993... she's literally in her mid-thirties.
I CAN'T LMAO-
I always thought she was in her twenties!! I thought she was a relatively shy twenty-something who kept at the back of the class because she might feel a little exposed, okay... but that would mean she's in her goddamn thirties? Dude also looks so young it's crazy. I genuinely thought they were siblings. I wouldn't guess dude is probably only a bit younger than she is, or her age.
And she's married to him. Looking through photos searching her name in the reactions, I saw through a reply that she did use to have an account but it seems to have been deleted, and we have her maiden name "spouse [guy's name]".
Married or at least was married as to 2023. He has not updated the profile pic since.
Bruh.
Like holy shit I'm having the biggest laughter of my life at the moment. To think. It all. Started. When I. Had not the slightest goddamn idea idea if she was from fucking Vanuatu or from Wallis, then it sounds like she's a Caledonian Wallisian... (Vanuatu somewhere still plausible), then trying to find her when she's so conspicuously absent from social media and all this stuff and I only have a name and a second name to go off, I end up giving her a name on this blog because I was too pissed about having to use two words to refer to her, then my curiosity guiding me to this guy and... and there we go, to find out is older than I thought she was, has two kids, and is probably still married to this day.
Malie, malie, someone would tell me! In fact, this is partially why I attributed this name to her. It's because it sounds close to "malie, malie", which I thought meant "pretty, pretty", but nope, it basically means "bravo".
But ah...
...ah, Malia.
Malia, Malia, Malia...
...you're one difficult fucker to figure out, aren't ya?
I don't think someone has posed THIS much mystery since Hokulea's transgender identity bahaha. But hey, you can run free. If you're married, you're married. I ain't hopping on you. Especially not if you have children.
Why? I can't do this to a kiddo. If you were divorced that would be a completely different thing, but if you're married, you're married!
***
Now, what else could I be sleuthing for...
edit: oh, actually found a new account by Malia, and she says where they live! Not far from me. Though said profile is still sort of empty, and appears she married him in 2020...
...But is it the real date? Because I've seen several pictures that seem to indicate they at least had some ceremony before that.
Bah. Nevermind.
You may run free, Malia.
edit #2: FUUUUTUNA!
I found yet ANOTHER profile of Malia's, that seems to have been hacked in 2015.
She is from a village called Leava, which is in southern Futuna, in the kingdom of Sigave!
And writes terribly! Like straight up wrote a message to her friends in all caps with terrible spelling! MULTIPLE STATUSES LIKE THIS LMFAOOO... MALIA CAPS IS CRUISE CONTROL FOR COOL!!
And is friends with the lady with the Chinese fan that I'll have to find her a name! Which explains why they were hanging out during one of the first classes I had with them!
BUT SINCERELY I THINK THE PEGASUS THING I INTUITED WAS SPOT ON HAHAHA!
Haha... haha...
***
...Thanks, Malia.
I wonder though if we'll ever get a chance to speak, even if, y'know. Not like this. I ain't doing this to your kids.
If so, I will absolutely never tell you I made fun of you on my blog and I cracked the fuck up finding out you're married after five weeks being kind of fascinated with you.
...It's been fun. Don't come back. ;)
Have a good day, kiss kiss, signed Hi'iaka.
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