I'll have two entries today it seems, but I need to take out all that is churning on the inside so I don't look weird tonight.
Yeah, just spent quite a bit of time digging up through Hikianalia's old accounts to find her birthday lol. But so far nothing.
There was a "birthday party" back at around half of December of 2010 but there is no indication it was hers. I just know that she was in 3ème (so, either about to turn 14, or 15) in 2010. I was in 6ème, haha...
...at the time she was having all that fun on the other side of the world, getting sick every three months, getting awful grades, falling asleep in class out of disinterest, getting a surprisingly niche interest in India and gushing about her friends and cousins, and I had no idea she'd enter my life sixteen years later even though I guess part of it was agreed on, I was skipping school every now and then, getting bullied by my classmates in a Paris suburb middle school, and I was only a year and a half away from entering the phase of my life that would be the final plunge.
I was not realizing that my fears, which adults would dismiss even though I was literally chased with a box cutter, would come true 15 years later. Kids killing classmates, teachers, and educators.
***
I'm fairly comfortable digging up her old accounts. Like, the old-old ones. Feels like watching some cute and cringe stuff but you forgive the cringe because you love the person to bits and you know they were young.
But her current? Not so much. I actually feel oddly uncomfortable doing so. I learned by a post about her grandma that in April of 2024, she was "living in her 29th year". But after a bit of scrolling, including seeing some marriage pics (and finding out her husband is a construction worker!), I thought that... mmmh, yeah, I don't really feel comfortable doing that. I'm not even stalking her. I know theoretically where she lives because she puts that address on the school rules (for cancelling payments and all), but... I wouldn't willingly go there without a reason. I even feel a bit concerned. I want to tell her, Hikianalia, this is risky. If you have some crazy one in your class you could have serious issues.
But I will not. I will not instil fear in her just because I was beaten out of believing life can ever be a good thing, and that the world will not choose to willingly stomp down on you until you kill yourself. I earned my survival, but she deserves better than me being a fearmonger.
She deserves innocence.
Faith.
Joy.
Happiness.
Not some sad half-schizo killjoy telling her "be careful, this is risky af".
***
Either way, we have between three to four years of age gap (since she was either born in '95 or '96)... still not very much. I'm guessing three and a half. Roughly. And I bet she's got Cancer placements too...
I guess I might know at some point when her birthday is, but I just, I don't know. I want to know, so I can make her birth chart lol. I love doing those, and synastries with mine. I think there is probably a fair amount happening in here. I have Despina's chart though I placed it in Paris out of not having her birthplace, and there is indeed quite a bit of 11H/5H overlay. 11th house being the house of communities and friendships, 5th house being children, romance, but also, and moreso here, creativity.
Younger Hikianalia was honestly adorable to read. She wrote absolutely horribly, she had the maturity of a teenager, but to see what she would become at thirty-ish and to see what she used to be is so... heartwarming. I don't think I can smile more at a person.
The best is that I will never say it. First because I'll probably look like a total fucking unhinged asshole even if those profiles are public (lmao), and second because... you know me. Hi'iaka never voices her love. Or not directly.
For to voice love is to put yourself in the line of fire, and invite the arrow to wound you.
Any love, that is.
Platonic, here. Profoundly platonic.
It's weird but now I feel that even if she were single and without children... Hikianalia would probably not be someone I'd consider this way. Even without the pregnant body and all, I just don't feel like... you know.
***
I kind of hope her birthday will be later this year so I can pen a poem where I paint her as the star Hikianalia and not have it look like I'm totally unhinged.
But anyway.
I have an appointment this afternoon, I might just end up in a formation next week, which kind of fucks my routine and I hate it, but... eh. I'll see.
And tonight anyway I'm dancing.
***
You won't read this, but take care of yourself, Hikianalia. I mean it.
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