Fuel

 I slept a LOT last night. A lot better than I usually sleep. I think this is a good sign.

When I woke up, however, I caught sight of my body and it scared the hella out of me.

Given that I haven't eaten a lot in the past days and that I had diarrhea three times in the past couple of days, my belly is more or less empty. I also felt as if my bones were very light, like my body was malnourished or undernourished.

Had a banana for breakfast, but didn't dare eat more than that. I cried for the better part of the morning, for all reasons. For wanting to go outside and move, all the while I have to rest. For wanting to eat more, all the while the thought of brusquing my stomach and triggering vomiting is my biggest fucking fear. For wanting to eat my favourite biscuits all the while it still feels so dangerous.

My bowels were burning. No diarrhea. But they were still raw.

Around lunchtime I was so tired I could not even feed my cats who were asking for food. I made myself some purposefully overcooked rice, ate a few bites, but then could not even get back up to put my bowl away. I remained there, then laid down. I felt like I was dying. Withering away. Yet another feeling that I wither, that I die. Not in the mind, in the body.

The scariest fucking thing in the world. Wasting away. I felt that was what was happening: that I was wasting away.

When my mom came back, I cried. I cried so, so much. I held her hand again, told her I felt I was going to die from exhaustion, that I wanted to eat so bad, that I couldn't, that I wasn't ever going to get better. She made me some chicken soup and told me to take a Xanax. I don't have many remaining, so I use them sparingly. She thinks I should go to a psychiatrist again to get a refill...but people treat people who use benzos as addicts. Except no, I'm not an addict. I actually hardly take it. 

If it weren't for Hopoe, I would still have half a plaquette available to me, but alas...

Chicken broth passed well. It was half of the pack, but it came down nicely and did not go back up.

Mom went back to work to give a heads up that she'd be working remote this afternoon to be able to stay by my side, and then we spent the afternoon in the living room. I'm typing this on her bed still btw. She's watching Creepshow. 

Later on in the afternoon I had some biscuits here and there, a pot of applesauce, and for dinner, some white fish. I was so anxious that I couldn't eat a whole lot of it, but I ate half which is good already. I had some more broth.

Hopoe's topic came back up. I revealed to her about the pearl. Low-key implied stuff about my arm tattoo. Told her she dances. Told her the first meeting. And that... I loved her. Yes. I did finally say that I loved Hopoe.

Mom said I'm brave. I said that she has never seen me in love yet, but that now she knows I'm someone who will be loyal nearly to the point of sacrificing my own live for the beloved.

The topic of Hopoe came because mom wondered whether I left my job due to shame or due to my working conditions.

I told her it was because I could not live with the idea that I would be working and living this close to a whole team of people I dearly loved, all the while being unable to see them or reach them. And because the workplace itself had become traumatic.

That even to Cepheus, at the moment, I cannot speak. Why? The idea of sending him a message, even though he was here for me, and I dearly love him, triggers me. It sends me back there. I also don't even dare try and have news of Cassiopeia. I don't even know if she'd want to hear about me.

I mean, see Libra.

I don't dare try to follow Austral on the gram. I don't dare try to send a friend request to Cygnus on the 'book. I don't even fucking dare following Cetus even though his pics are pics of his daughter's damn dog.

The idea of getting another sign that I've been cast out... and even, I still get flashbacks, sometimes. 

I want to reach them.

I'm afraid I will never be able to, again.

I can't live with that, hence why I left. Mom wishes I would've stayed.

***

...That said, if I had stayed, I would have never known Hikianalia and the others. I would have known Hokulea, yes.

But Hikianalia. Hi-ki-a-na-li-a. 

I got the best possible gift here. I got a teacher who loves me. I got a community that doesn't cast me out despite all my guardedness. 

I got kindness where I was starved of it. I still don't know how to trust it, but... it's there, regardless.

***

I still re-read Hikianalia's message that she sent me yesterday.

"Rest and rest your mind well, Hi'iaka and don't worry. I'm very happy to have you as a student."

I still think about Kohana's words the other time. About how, in fact, I was welcome. And Theia's invitation that I declined, but that she still made.

I think of how Despina and I leave each other alone but that we do appreciate each other.

I still think about Gina's smile when I gave her some words of encouragement.

I think about the possibility of getting to know that yet-unnamed Vanuatuan-who-may-actually-be-Wallisian girl. 

I think about the name I should give to the lady who has a Chinese fan. 

I think about Louise, Argo, and Juno, who I practiced with.

I think about Paula, who I judged so harshly and then came to feel a kind of tenderness towards.

I think about everyone I've met so far...

If I had remained, would've I even met them?...

***

Apparently, btw...  my father calls Hopoe manipulative now. 

"She's a manipulator who sets fires everywhere around her to get transferred".

The beauty and the temperament of a warrior encased in softness.

A manipulator who sets fires everywhere.

The two poles of the same person, apparently. 

Mom says that she knows very well what it's like to not recognize the person you fell in love with. She can't recognize my father, either.

***

Hopoe.

I love you.