I didn't really want to go. I had forgotten the name of the lady I had as a contact which in itself is a red flag. I was watching the clock and dreading this moment. Not a good thing. Like, on Monday, I was treating Tuesday as if it would be the last lesson of my life. My shoulders are fucking rock hard as I type this, I feel that sickening same sort of throat nausea I felt back when I left my father's place, I think this says a lot. I just took a Xanax to try and ease it. I just hope not to throw up at dance class or something, or before. That said I'd know this isn't sickness nausea, but stress nausea 100%, so I guess it would be a one time thing.
Something that literally changes my everyday life and does not give me time to prepare (like a job would), in a school setting even if we're adults... that's a massive one for me.
I stepped into the high school for the first time. Felt strange to go there. I had never been there: back when I was in high school, I would go to the nearest bigger city. I went to the middle school, which sits here and was built in 2010-ish, when there was absolutely nothing around. No dojo, no gymnasium, and no high school.
The lady was uglier than she sounded on the phone, but that in itself isn't a red flag. We started talking about the formation itself.
We talked about informations and stuff. I was keeping my façade. I was holding it together, I was managing.
I started getting stressed when she mentioned revising stuff that is on 3ème level (so, as I mentioned earlier, about 9th grade). Including math.
Yes. Math.
I already started not liking this.
Then I asked if it was paid.
Not only it's not paid, except for the internship periods, but the classes can range from 8am to 6pm. This already put me off, a second time.
I'm going to be trapped, I thought.
I mentioned that I have ori tahiti during the week and that I am very attached to it, and that I need time to wind down, have dinner, because say I go there on foot. If it ends at 6pm, I have to walk at least 20min to get home. Have a quick dinner. Then go. It's all too fast. I can't handle that. I am stressed as fuck enough in life and I don't need more of it.
I am told that "yeah but how are you going to manage when you'll work".
I will, idk, find a job that is nearby or that allows me to have something to PREPARE FOOD?
Flashbacks. I think I was having them already.
I was in a school. I was going to have school stuff. I asked about the class size, we are less than ten, and it reassured me for a minute, but still I wasn't completely on board.
The lady also suggested I pass THREE fucking exams.
I said, one is already a lot for me. Got some massive academic trauma. Last time I tried and I failed and it was already hard enough to try.
"Oh, but you'll do it again, it's not a big deal"-
NOT A BIG DEAL? To me it fucking is.
Because on top of that, yes. Unlike in state public service (I was looking to join territorial), in territorial, you have to look for a position yourself after you succeed at that exam. You have about three years to find a position. If not, it's gone.
I literally could have NO affectation.
Talk about a fucking scam.
I don't exactly remember well but there came a point where I felt the tears coming. I already knew I wasn't going to do this. I knew. I think I knew from the beginning. I told them that I was getting interested by default, because I've been looking for jobs and nobody would want me.
It might have been when I apologized and started crying. The other lady, also a teacher, who looked pretty and seemed nicer, gave me a tissue.
No, not nobody wants you, stop with that. You just haven't had opportunities to be hired.
It's not helping. She keeps serving me platitudes about being positive. I cry even more.
I'm not helping you, am I?
No, you're not, I replied as politely as possible.
But this might reconcile you with school, help you reconcile with academics... the other lady said.
Oh, no, no, no, I replied, my body literally crawling back into itself.
And that ugly shit kept pushing. I was crying, I was clearly not receptive, and she kept pushing.
"I don't know what to do", "I don't know what else to say to you". "We're a family here" OOOH NO. Not the family thing holy shit. You think I'm going to buy that?
"You're a beautiful person".
I replied:
You don't know me.
And yes. You fucking don't know me, teacher lady.
I'm not buying this manipulative shit.
"You can join and then if it's not going well you can leave". "You can take the time to think". "When you're idle you just think over and over about the past but this is going to occupy your mind".
Bitch. 3 days to think is not nearly "time". Three days is nada.
And if I begin something I fucking stick through with it.
I'd rather not begin if I have no guarantee to finish it.
What did me in was not all the pushing despite the clear signals I was not having it and would not be convinced.
It was, ironically, the pretty lady.
"You're in an uncomfortable comfort, or rather, in a comfortable discomfort."
That did it for me.
There, I was lost.
I was out of here.
I am not doing this.
To avoid snapping at her, I politely told them that I would think things out, I accepted the documents, but truth is, I think I'll throw this shit away on the way to dance class.
I am not doing this.
I am NOT doing this.
I cried again on the way home. Bought groceries. Nausea. I took a Xanax upon arriving and now am having a hot water bottle.
It helps unclench my shoulders, and I just had some cookies...
...but for God's sake.
I feel so guilty for not taking this opportunity.
And I have no idea if there were even red flags as I immediately reacted, or if I'm just traumatized to a point it's barely possible for me to function as a person.
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