Beloved

No, for once this isn't about Hopoe lol. I checked again this morning to see if she had chickened out again... she really is back. I didn't dream it. She did unblock me. I didn't see her today but no big deal, given the extension of my contract, that buys us a whole lot of time. I was worried our connection was dead or moribund, but... it's more alive than ever. Since I haven't seen the others at all and Cassiopeia did say they'd be moving around a lot, I assume they're not here today. 

Beloved, the title. Well. I'm beloved by my colleagues, it seems, and it just never ceases to amaze me. 

I literally had one lady (the one who actually reminds me of Cassiopeia!) tell me I'm doing my job very well, that they really should keep me (even if they know I have just been prolongated), that I actually get interested in what I'm doing. 

Truth is, I don't feel I'm doing hell of a lot. Half of the time I'm on my phone dissecting tarot readings, or reading stuff on Reddit, or checking if a package has arrived, but I'm still doing my job. The work itself is something any idiot could do. And yet, and yet, it seems I'm doing it well. I do notice sometimes that I am forgetting things but I guess this happens to anyone. I can finish 6 or 7 files in a day, depending on the size and if there's anything missing in them. But in no way would I do my job poorly, that's just not how I am. Even when I get lazy I'd rather still do the minimum. Some people apparently don't. Well.

I also passed a sort of mock oral for my hiring that will likely happen at the end of June (the convocations are delayed, which also buys me time, nice nod from the universe). My head of section and the guy who helps people with that were pleased especially since I had to prepare something in one evening. They found that for someone who barely prepared, it was... really good. Like, I have everything it takes to get hired. Of course I'll compete against 120 ish other candidates, but the fact I have my ideas straight, speak properly, have actually implied a lot of knowledge, is in my favour. 

I was embarrassed. I'm not used to be seen so positively in an unanimous way. At my former service they did, too, like me for the most part. But here it hits me even stronger in the face: what about me is so good that...?? I was so floored that I needed to process it, and I honestly still am. 

Still tired tonight though. I feel it's the hormones. I ate a whole tin of lentils to try and load up a little on iron, but... yeah. I think I need some time. I just... I think the fact this is a long weekend (as Monday is a holiday) is a good thing. It will help me take some space.