I had to tell off the asshole yesterday night once more. Dude was still gaming past 10pm. He was nowhere near as noisy as he was a couple nights ago, but my guy still needs to understand life in a place where you have neighbours.
I went to greet my former colleagues in my former service this late morning, after finishing a bit of work. My former colonel, in whose office I cried for an hour and a half on my birthday, a couple days after I had tried to have one last time a conversation with Hopoe, but she was too closed off and I could get absolutely nothing of it. I told her about what happened to me. She's happy that I'm doing better.
Trying to see my former lieutenant, who had to leave right as I was confiding into her that same day because her son was sick, I stumbled across my former chief warrant officer in the office with her. He lives in the same building as I do and every time I take a specific train, I look out for him… but never quite spot him. I know for a fact he takes said train though. So far, no "oh hello chief warrant officer!". But who knows. Lol. Fact is that I saw him at the mess again tonight, but he had earphones in. All the time I've known him, his office door was always closed, and I could hear music inside. Me too, sir, me too.
Then came a little spark. Commander Cetus, who is Hopoe's commander and works in the same office as her (along with two others, Libra, a very sweet chief warrant officer and Oria, a captain), came to talk with her. Lieutenant and Cetus do work together so it made sense. They had things to do with my former colonel so I went to greet others. Notably, the colleague I shared my office with, Steph, and the wife of a guy named Gill, who I will call Malva.
(To clarify: Cepheus is the head of the team that Hopoe is part of. Cassiopeia, his deputy, and my dad's former deputy at the time he was in Cepheus' position. In the next office you have Hopoe, commander Cetus, chief warrant officer Libra and captain Oria. Then captain Gill, commander Bootes, commander Megara, and warrant officer Chin. Further away captain Cygnus, who would've totally been my bisexual option as I find him attractive... even for a guy. Jolene, Austral, and Grey. There are a couple others I don't mention because they are not part of my circle, even if they're in that team. There's another guy, a reservist, who I will refer to as Old Major when he's around.)
My former warrant officer, a few other colleagues… and another chief warrant officer I was really fond of, but I won't name because she isn't really part of my story at the moment. She will be moving away this summer. I told her that maybe we'll find each other again if I end up somewhere where she is. This is a world with a lot of connections… everyone can come across the other at some point. Oh, do I hope one day I'll see her again. She's tough, she loves big muscular men as I can tell by the stuff in her office, she loves plushies, and… I've always had a soft spot for her. Drunkenly confessed it during a work meal. Platonic, obviously. She's married to a man and old enough to be my mother.
So many things have changed in this corridor. One person has left. Civilian lady. She was my lieutenant's double basically, but they could never get along and my lieutenant couldn't wait for her to fuck right off. My former warrant officer split up with his wife and is finishing emptying the house this weekend, and will be returning to the place he spent sixteen years of his life, in the great Northeast, close to the border with Germany. A place where nobody wants to go because it's in the middle of nowhere. But he spent the best years of his life there. He's going home.
I told him there's quite of a hint of poetry in this. He agreed. I don't know if I'll see him ever again, but this guy… I wished he had been my dad. We have a more friendly than parental relationship, but part of me just wished he was my dad when I was still under his orders. Gah, I'll miss him.
Malva said, just like Austral yesterday, that I shouldn't cut my dad off. "He's your dad, you should keep in contact with her", she said. But I told her, Malva, it's not that simple. You can't really tell that to somebody because you have no idea what the person has been going through. Given we have a good relationship, we have agreed to talk about it later on. I might just indeed have lunch with her sometime. Steph was on the phone: I couldn't talk to her. But she was also pleased to see me. About everyone was.
The thing with Malva is that she means well but is really... out of touch. She's the type to say "if I were you", which I enormously dislike, but I know it's not in an attempt to be a bitch. She's a woman from another time, from another generation, a good old Xoomer, but she has a good heart. Wants to cheer people up. Thank you, but I don't work like this. I just cannot cheer myself up into getting over pain. Nevertheless, I'm glad I saw her again.
When I could get a hold of my lieutenant again, I told her about everything that happened. My three-time transformation. The suicide attempt, 'ori Tahiti, and exiting my father's house. And how better I was feeling. She could tell I looked very happy, and agrees that my dad's plan was weird. She's been dating her policeman boyfriend for a few years now but they have never lived together and know that it's an uncertain thing, and she just wouldn't gamble it on buying a goddamn HOUSE together when they've never done that. Plus, she's just like me, one woman to love fully once she's there, and it took her hell of a long time to find her man. The father of her son left her when she was pregnant and she only found her current partner years later.
Oh, my favourite lieutenant. I wish to be able to see her again someday, too, once I'm out of here. She said that maybe it's time for me, now, to write my story alone. To be the only one penning it. For sure it is, but I think I've been doing this for a while now. However she's pretty right in the sense that I've always had someone interfere with that process. Decide who I was. What I was. What traits I had and had not. Indeed. I was always a sort of screen on which people would project.
The two sets of orchids I drew for her at her request are still in her office. I don't think she'll ever let go of them. Cassiopeia has one, too. She actually was the first to ask me to draw her orchids. My dad asked me to draw him flowers but I never did. Always would forget on purpose... because he never deserved them in my mind.
At the time of lunch, when I was trying to decide whether I would eat at the mess or at the snack bar (in the end I went for a salad), I came across Cetus again. With commander Bootes, Grey, Cygnus, and Cepheus himself. I asked him if there was any room at their table: they're not eating all together today, got stuff going on. I figured I'd just take a salad from the snack bar then. But no Hopoe. In such moments, I honestly feel she is being purposely hidden from me right now because meeting her would probably feel too charged. Not the right time, not the right moment.
But I'll see them soon, it's no huge deal. I told Cepheus I'd be going there tomorrow morning. Given how little time I have here, this is strategically the best option. I'll just… If she says anything, or if she seems open, I'll ask her how she is. My Hopoe. But what I'm mostly gonna do, as usual, is have tea in Cassiopeia's office if she has some time to spare. That's what I would do anyway. And I need to tell her about everything that's been going on, anyway. She deserves to know, too.
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