Waters

I didn't sleep very well last night. Had to take half a doxylamine to actually fall asleep though I actually have no idea if I was in light sleep or straight up awake until I opened my eyes and it was 2 in the morning. It was overall a weird one for me, but I slept until 8 or 9. Tired, of course. And with the aches of having practiced my dance moves yesterday.

But I'm not as much as a dull Hi'iaka today still. It doesn't make me as much of a dull girl as I could be at my dad's... or mom's. For that matter. The dullest I was, it was at his home still.

The message to Hopoe still has two grey ticks, but that's to be expected from her at this point. The only thing I can be sure of is that she hasn't blocked me and never did (and I'm honestly surprised considering she had all the time and occasions to do it, like that last message could've made her say "okay, I'm done with Hi'iaka, let's get rid of her for good" if she truly wanted me out of her life, yet...). I don't know if she turned off her reading receipts, if she's archived me, muted me, both, all three, or even saw the notification and just read it through before swiping it off. Hopoe be Hopoe. I'm not going to double text, I never do that unless there's a reason, and in this case... there isn't any. No emergency, and I bet that she'd even come too late for one.

Today was the day I went to the pool by myself for the first time. I actually had been dreaming of swimming in pools for a long time. I always dream that I'm alone, dive into a pool, and go underwater. I can go pretty deep... but in real life, it doesn't translate as well.

Namely: I found I don't like swimming for the sake of swimming. Just doing laps? Hurts. And bores me. Yet I still swam 150 meters in total, plus the little bits I did in the recreational pool. Three times 50 meters. The 25-meter pool was occupied by swimming lessons for kids, so I couldn't practice there: had to go for the big one outside. The first half of it was fine, but at three-quarters, I'd always wind up feeling tired and have trouble completing. Then I'd get out, walk back to the other side, rather than do it in reverse: I was too afraid to be so exhausted I wouldn't be able to keep myself above water. My heart was pounding, my arms especially were hurting (my triceps took a serious hit). Plus I was cold. It just wasn't that enjoyable. I went back and forth from the pool to the deckchairs, then the recreational pool inside... then did another lap, and decided that I was done. I just don't think I enjoy swimming.

I wish I had taken an entry to the spa instead, but for some reason you can't have "just" an entry for it: you have one for the pool AND the spa and the damn thing costs 20 bucks. Just... why.

What was also holding me back from enjoying it was the presence of others. There was always a sense that I'd be in the way if I slowed down, or if I went to grab the side of the pool and rested there for a while. Nobody was looking at me, but I was always bracing for someone to tell me to get the hell out of the way. The worst wasn't the kids. It was the adults. And this sense that if I didn't keep swimming, I'd just cause a mess.

In my dreams I always swim alone. I wear no swimming cap, no goggles, maybe not even a swimsuit but I'm not naked either. My hair is loose. Nobody's watching. I dive, go deep, come up to the surface for air, and stroke around. But in real life? Tall order to find a place to do so. Unless you've got your own, I guess.

I actually want to swim all by myself in a warm pool, perhaps a basement pool or something, in one of those you can find in the visuals of vaporwave playlists. I didn't even dive from a platform even as I was craving it. I didn't want to make a fool of myself, or do it wrong, or just see the bottom of the pool and get spooked because if there's something I'm scared of... it's the bottom of the pool. The drains. God. And the depth of it, too. The one I learned to swim in at the regiment back when I was 7 had its deepest point at 3.5 meters and I always felt a sense of dread as I was swimming forward, knowing full well the bottom was getting further and further from my tiny body.

When I was about to leave to do some grocery shopping, I took a roundabout nearby and got to a stop sign that was leading to a busyish road. A bus was passing and a tree was blocking my view. Surely you'd think the people behind would be understanding? Well. I had some trouble restarting, thought I had stalled, and as I was checking for whether I should turn my key, I heard a loud bang and the car got pushed forward as the guy behind me, who was likely way too close in the first place, rear-ended me. No damage, but this son of a bitch overtook me and honked angrily at me. It took everything in me not to rear-end the asshole back. I actually accelerated, gave him the middle finger, stopped right before I'd be ramming his ass and actually damaging my car.

Then I remember he had kids in the back seat... thank God I didn't let my rage get the best of me. I was honestly ready to chase this fuck to wherever he was going and just yell at him how worthless he is, that I hope he crashes into a ditch, but... yeah. No. That's just some violent fantasy in my head that I guess I could never actually do, because I'd regret it. And it wouldn't make him less of an asshole, anyway. It just wouldn't change the facts. And it would make me look bad, though at this point... I guess I'm used to "looking bad" anytime I don't swallow it when something is done to me and clap back so violently that anyone who thought of me as a nice girl has a pretty big surprise.

But then I nearly cried at the wheel. Stopped for a bit higher up to check for damage, but as I said, my car was relatively unscathed. Saw nothing of note.

Got some guest towels for my hands so I don't use a big towel to dry them. Three, to be changed every other day. I like to keep my stuff clean. Got some more food, but if I'm being honest... I've considered doing it like Hopoe, getting some forbidden cooking gear because it's a bit depressing not to be able to cook and live off canned or pre-packaged meals when the mess isn't open. Hiding them under my pareos like she does, lol. Except I don't have as many as she's probably got. And if I get busted... I have no guarantor. I'm literally fucked. She's got a stable job, can afford to get busted and get two warnings and then be excluded from the building, but I can't. So... let's not play around with fate, right?

To think we once talked about showing each other our rooms... and it never had the chance to happen. That time when she told me I should come see the amethyst on her desk, and I didn't want to see something that wasn't there, so I just acquiesced, and a little further in the conversation, she spoke about how the weather would be good on Saturday... to "take a walk". And somehow this absolute idiot I am said yeah, it would be, and only realized she invited me twice after I came home the same evening.

Like. AKA. FOR GOD'S SAKE HI'IAKA. USELESS LESBIAN TO HER FINEST.

I was so adamant about not assuming anything and keeping my head cool despite the fact I was already crazy about her that I missed this opportunity and have been hating myself for it every day since we've been in this strange limbo.

She said "we've got time" when work and logistics made us forget about the amethyst. We didn't have any. She closed herself off just a couple weeks later. I never even got to show her the room I had at my dad's, that was still in the process of decorating. I never got to tell her about my book. There's so many things I never got to show or tell her. She decided I was immature, was "overthinking", and treated me like I had killed her dog or pissed on her ancestors' graves one by one. All because I tried to look for context when I sensed she was becoming nervous and avoidant. She decided I was controlling and imprisoning her, even as I literally never suggested she be solely mine, or eat solely with me, nor bombarded her with texts, or... No, I just... reacted to her suddenly breaking the pattern of us sitting together, like we had been doing for three weeks on end. Of course anyone would've been a bit thrown off, even someone who wasn't into her I guess.

I just... you know.

I don't know if I'll be coming back to swim. Maybe every now and then, but for sure, I'm not much of a swimmer. I just need my dose of soaking into the water for a couple of hours...