Loneliness

 The team, or rather the non-commissionned officers, won't be here around much until June 8. I got the news from Cassiopeia. Many things happening. I wish I could have told her about everything I went through, but it appears there's no way. Hopoe is part of them. 

I did not see her when I went to knock at her office. Only Cetus was in here. It's fine to see him, of course. But neither Libra nor Oria were here. I'm a bit surprised in Oria's case: she's an officer. But maybe she just happened not to be here.

The longest conversation I've had was with Gill and, surprisingly, Megara, who I always thought was part of the more distant ones. It was good to see them. Gill is still his chill self, and Megara is warmer lately. Then with Cepheus, and that's when the loneliness hit me the hardest.

My dad and Cepheus are not just colleagues. They are friends. And Cepheus thinks my dad has a heart of gold, always wants to do well, is a "beautiful person". He told me that. He didn't shit me for exiting my home, or anything, no. He didn't judge me. He likes us as separate people and I told him that there's no loyalty conflict to be had. But to be told that the person who abused you for… (this is the moment where I cry) a long time, is a beautiful person, right in front of you, there, is a special kind of hurt. It's lonely. I feel even lonelier now about all of this. I knew it would be the case, anyway: Cepheus did say that I likely knew another side of him, but it's like being scrubbed with sandpaper. Not stabbed. Not to that point. But it kills me to know that he is considered to be a "beautiful" person. Beautiful, yeah. You haven't seen the side of him that commands around. That is constantly pushing my sisters. That is pressuring, controlling, that will tell you he's "just looking out for you" while being contemptuous and with his unsolicited advice that is not meant to "help" but to control. 

Cepheus. I know. I know you're his friend. But I cannot consider him a beautiful person. I did say it: this isn't how I experience him, and this time… there's no "composing" with a father-daughter relationship anymore. This is pure grief. This is something no daughter should ever have to do. This is not beautiful person behaviour I'm sorry. He can show you all of his good sides, he's still the same on the inside. You don't truly know him, Cepheus. You don't.

They're all busy. I couldn't even have tea with Cepheus. He explained that oftentimes at 12:45 he has something coming, that their team is a very busy one, that last year's golden age was due to a lull. I feel such… sadness. I had it stuck in my throat: they're like family to me. A sort of second family. I don't care that they're linked to my dad: I love them, all. And I was afraid of no longer being welcome, but he reassured me that I always would be.

For some reason though… Jolene is distant with me. She's been since what happened with Hopoe. The two get along very well together, and Jolene is a fellow WLW who is about to marry her wife (yes, her codename is a reference to the song by Dolly Parton). She did not even look at me. Cygnus did greet me. Even the lady I didn't talk to much. Grey said hello. Literally everyone except Jolene. Now maybe she was just busy, or has the headset on, but I've always got the impression she disliked me after what happened. 

I don't really understand, but there's nothing to understand. She was part of the ones I had retained first, but gradually, she fell by the wayside. If she decides to hate my guts I guess that's okay. Maybe she's got a crush on Hopoe and is jealous, or thinks I'm weird, or maybe she just has something against me I will never really interpret. Not that it's that important, anyway. What I hope is that her marriage goes well. Her fiancée kept refusing marrying her for two years but now is marrying her. Hmm, alright?

I do have my own team. But I like to be apart from them. They're good people, but they're people. Esme agrees on that, and even with her I'm not really going to eat because I know that she, too, prefers her alone time as a break from a six-people open space office, lmao. I think I'll ask Malva to have lunch together next week. If there's no way I can get thrown off or stressed suddenly, then all is well. 

Coming out of the base to get some Russian candies, I came across Libra on guard duty. It was sweet seeing her, and she did confirm that it's going to be a bit messy until June with all the holidays and off days and the whole moving around thing. She's still her sweeter self, lovely to look at, lovely to hear. While she was in the office with Cetus when I confronted Hopoe back in November, she did not allude to that nor seem uneasy in my presence today. Come to think of it, neither does Cetus. Makes me think they were actually uneasy at Hopoe's disproportionate reaction, not at me coming to see her to try and settle things one last time. I was always afraid that they saw ME as the troublemaker, but it appears… they probably didn't. At least, I'm at peace with that. I feel better after seeing her, honestly. I love her energy. Here's to hope that she, too, gets an affectation where I am. I'd love for us to get closer. I also saw Chin on the same kind of duty as I went to get groceries for the weekend. Almost saw everyone now...

But how, Hopoe, how. I think I'll end up sending a text to her at some point or something, even as this is the option I did NOT want to take. Not now though. Not in that state. Not while I'm heavy. 

I should keep it light as not to trigger her defenses, but how do I keep things light? How do I not succumb to "I missed your voice", or "I'm happy to see you"? How do I not spill everything that's been building up inside of me for God knows how long? The last thing I want is to fuck up and lose her again. But if there's no occasion to bump into her, then I guess I'll have to send a little pebble into the sea. Just a little pebble. Not a rock. A pebble. A rock, as tiny as it is, would create a whole ass tsunami that she'd immediately clamp down on. 

Also for fuck's sake I think I'll buy those Ori Tahiti online classes. Because I'm so damn tired of not dancing.