Hormones

The fuck is going on with them. My cycle is usually 30-31 days long and for the first time in my life, my period came early. Not without a whole lot of weirdness prior to it.

If you've been reading my blog you can probably remember that around the time I started my new job on May 4, I was experiencing some very painful ovulation. I was even dreaming of giving birth to a dead fetus. My breasts were tender and swollen immediately after and remained so for all of my luteal phase. Really not a normal thing. Usually it happens in the last week before Aunt Flo comes... but that time, nope. It was as if I was straight into PMS from the moment I ovulated.

The cycle prior to this one was incredibly weird as well. 36 days long, a good 10 days of PMS. Insomnia, being tired from just a walk outside, nausea, bloating to the max, anxiety... and I still am salty about the workshop I missed because of it that was both 'ori tahiti and hula. It was honestly hell on Earth for me and while I chalked it up to being from the residual stress of having exited my dad's place, since my period had started on the day I hit the road (would make a lot of sense that all of this would scramble things inside), I thought that this one would be different. More normal. After all, I've been sleeping better.

For now the pain is pretty much gone, but it took two full hours for the painkillers to even kick in. I was folded up at my desk, my legs crossed and my bust leaning forward. I couldn't stop going to pee. I always pee a bunch when I'm ovulating or on my period, but I noticed that when the pain is gone, so is the urge to constantly go to pee. 

I've considered for a long time that I might have endometriosis. I mean, my period was always very painful. But my mom always told me that "periods hurt" and that hers doesn't, but that she hardly feels any pain unless it's big enough to make her notice. Often would tell me this or that little pain or discomfort was in my head, or not anything serious. 

I remember as a teen how I'd always white-knuckle it without meds, and yet my vulva felt like it was being squeezed out of juice or just forcibly closed, my stomach would hurt terribly, I would always (and still do) need a burning hot water bottle to settle the pain a little. I did see stuff about endo when I was looking on the internet, but it always seemed to me that the women who truly have it have such pain that they cannot function, whereas... I could. Enduring, as usual. But I could. And I still can, though it's at the price of going to pee all the time, wriggling around on my chair like a maggot, having to pace around, or be in a position like I was this afternoon: folded, struggling to concentrate and keep my brave face on. Taking a painkiller before sleep, even on the days that are leading up to it sometimes, in case it wakes me up in the middle of the night, which has often happened in the past. Sometimes having my bowels act up, or do nothing. 

I took the pill from ages 19-ish to 21 or 22 for this purpose: it would regulate my cycles that were then pretty irregular, though still ranging from 30 to 35 days, and it would greatly ease my period pain. But then I thought, maybe it's not a good idea to put synthetic hormones into your body... so I traded this for the original suffering. For accepting that it fucking sucks for me. That I'm not one of those women who can whack it off to ease period cramps because the only thing I want when I'm at that time of the month is a hot water bottle on my belly.

Still I'm afraid that they will tell me I'm being dramatic. Or that I'm just very sensitive to pain. Or that it's all in my head, that real endo is no joke, that I probably just have painful periods. That I'm a hypochondriac with her delusions fed by Google and medical documentaries. Or that perhaps I want to be sick for attention, and whatnot. 

Hysteria. I sometimes do think perhaps there's something deeply hysterical about me.

***

I might've caught sight of Hopoe accidentally shortly before lunch, but I'm not even sure if it was her. She was going with what I assumed are two superiors from another section or something, Cassiopeia had told me that they are busy with meetings and visits and stuff, so it wouldn't be surprising. 

But going out to lunch, after a proper meal that I could finish without flipping the heck out (steak, carrots, yoghurt, applesauce, and even a frozen Mars bar!), on the way back, I bumped into Gill waiting for the others to come to the table. Greeted him, exchanged a few words about how happier I am, now. There was Jolene a bit further away, paying for her meal and likely unaware I was here, and Grey, too, who didn't notice. Given that he's in their office, I can guess Cygnus was around too, though maybe he's on leave or something. 

Just had some time to greet Cepheus too, but me going out and him going to eat didn't make it a huge moment. I hope to actually bump into them more... because outside of Hopoe, for sure I want to see them again. It's pretty interesting though that I never happen to bump into her while last year, when I was not even looking for her, I would constantly, constantly run into her. When I say things are probably being orchestrated that I don't know of, I'm fairly serious, even if I can't prove it. But one thing is sure, right now I don't think this would be... any suitable moment for such things. 

I finally received the little handmade knitted fox I had ordered from Vinted a while ago, but the package got delayed for whatever reason and I genuinely thought it'd be lost. Nope. This morning I got the notification. I got my package (and a bunch of pills) during lunch break. Such a cute little one... unlike the knitted cat that my father got me when I was eight, and which I will keep despite everything because eight-year-old me would otherwise be heartbroken to lose her beloved kitty, it will not be tainted. It's mine. One of my mom's colleagues is making a replica of said cat: let it be a sort of "evolved" incarnation of him.

Had a little scare when I left my office. A woman came down the stairs. Tall, massive, at first glance looks almost exactly like Hopoe. I genuinely froze inside for a moment. Shit. She's he-

But then I realized this wasn't her: it was Big Kili. Now about this one, I don't know her personally, and we may never really have a reason to get to know each other, but this woman is relevant because from behind, she literally looks like a taller Hopoe with a bigger bun at the back of her head, and multiple times I had my heart start racing because I thought it was her... only to find out, nope, that's Big Kili. This nickname comes from her actual first name, which, given I don't really know her otherwise, I guess isn't that consequential to put here. Her face looks different and she isn't even from the same archipelago as Hopoe is, and I reckon she's married to another guy who's here and has... three kids? (Yeah. I know a lot about lots of people. Curiosity and having been in the service that has everyone's file... does something to you, hehe. I even pretend I don't know someone is married sometimes.) Basically, the anti-Hopoe if you think about it. But from behind? Lookalikes. Just put Hopoe in heels and give her a bigger bun and you got Big Kili and a big racing heart from me.

The sweeter part came after: I bumped into my lieutenant again, as I was going home, just like I bumped into her as I went to work in the morning. Now this puts a smile on my face, always. It's always good to see her. Perhaps that's the universe's way of giving me something nice to hold onto. Something that says, Hi'iaka, it's not all crap for you all the time. 

***

Back to the topic of hormones, I finally (yes, finally!) made an appointment with a midwife next Friday to try and see if I can get any tested for endometriosis.

...I'd hate it to be another thing I have in common with Hopoe, honestly. We have so much in common though already... both in our histories, our tastes, and... personality. Much better things to have in common with someone. It would be both funny and tragic... if I'm being honest. But perhaps that'd be another thing to support each other on. When you know what it's like, you empathize better. That is, if you're not afraid of your own heart, I assume.

But still. That doesn't make it suck any less for me, I guess. As hysterical or not hysterical as I may be...