Checking the perimeter

Sleuthing time before bed.

Surprise surprise: Hopoe does not follow her friend's association on Instagram. Yes, I type her goddamn handle in every possible contact to check if this is safe game or not. If it is, then all clear. If not, I should be careful. But this one honestly surprised me a little, considering that... they are friends? 

Or perhaps she actually had a workshop there just like me, and is a bit more liberal than me in terms of adding friends on FB. I have like, 50 friends. She has ten times this amount, but her account has also been around since... 2014, if I remember correctly. Not that I can check anyway unless I log into an alt and this is a line I do not want to cross. Not minding doing so for a public group, but Hopoe... and oh God let's not have her find out about Hi'iaka as a persona anyway. Doubt she'd go down the rabbit hole, but if she busts my blog... God help me.

***

But for this association, half-clear. Half because I don't think Hopoe's friend knows about us, but at the same time, if for any reason Hopoe is there, whether for a workshop or a marathon, tread carefully. That said, so far, she hasn't gone all mad like me and driven 200 fucking kilometers just for a workshop. The furthest she seems to travel is about a hundred to a hundred and twenty, give or take. 

My very first teacher I met in this association, who I will name Lehuakona (Hawaiian name for Antares), doesn't know her. Clear. I name her because even though we're far away and I haven't had the chance to practice with her again yet, we're following each other on the gram since that day. And the first teacher is the one you never forget. 

(Also, lehua trees... Hi'iaka... Hopoe... lehua forest... dancing... if you know your Hawaiian mythology... considering Hi'iaka danced the first hula in the burnt lehua forest after Hopoe was changed into stone...)

Hokulea, tread carefully. Hopoe would not be in the same level class, but tread VERY carefully around workshops or tamure marathons. If I do come back there... which... is uncertain, to say the least, especially right now. I'd love to, but can I? Would there even be an opportunity? 

An association from Brest, which is quite far even from where I used to live, has for some reason followed me a few days after I told Lehuakona that I started ori regularly with Hikianalia, and it's not like they throw follow arounds casually, they have like 350 followers and 350 followed or something. Maybe she told someone from there, or someone heard of me somehow, or maybe my face inspired them something, and boom, I got a follow on my private acc, sweet. No Hopoe here: the way is clear.

The other teacher I had on that day I blew a fucking tire and came late? Paumotu girl? Think, for posterity, I will name her Nalani. Not after a star, but after a direction in Hawaiian navigation. No Hopoe here. Clear. Though I reckon she hasn't done what she had planned, aka opening a dance school. Not a problem. I'll meet her again later. 

Hikianalia's school is much more active on FB. She has an account for it on the gram, another personal one, but they're not much used. I don't think Hikianalia knows Hopoe anyway, and I have a feeling they might not get along if they were to meet. CLEAR AF.

An association where there was a tamure marathon not far from my former city... which is tied to the military... RED. LIGHT. Hopoe is close with them. She won one of said tamure marathons back in late March (might've written about it? Late March early April entry...?) Tread with the utmost care. I don't even know if I'd feel safe going there at all: my stomach gets tight the minute I see them. Might just be paranoid, but... well.

Lehuakona and the friend's association are following them but since Hopoe isn't in the mix, I don't think there's any poison going on with them.

A teacher that I don't know but who, for some reason, my cousin follows. Clear. Lehuakona's here too. Circle coming full. Also one of the girls from Hokulea's group.

The alternate to Hikianalia I could have chosen here, plus-sized Marquesan trans woman that passes so well I had literally no inkling she was even born male, who I will refer to as Kohola (Hawaiian name for Cetus), since it's likely we will end up intersecting and I, in fact, have commented her cool Latina-inspired fits on FB? Clear. No Hopoe here.

In all, it's strange, but I feel there's a whole portion of the community that is totally unrelated to her. Or rather, perhaps they have met her somehow, but the contact hasn't really been made digitally. I'm even surprised to see associations in the East where she most likely danced or at least did tamure marathons in, since she used to be in the former Lorraine region, and... she's absent from the following.

You'd think she actually put roots in here. Apparently not. Mysterious shit. 

It's only a matter of time before it crosses again though. Funny enough, I actually stumbled on the profile of some lady with the same last name as her, but it appears they are unrelated or just not in contact.

***

...What if, ironically, in the end, I wind up knowing more people than Hopoe does? Or having a bigger part than she has in the dance community? All the while I did not dance when young, and am only catching up on this as an adult?

Because when I see all of that I just don't get the impression she's all that invested. She dances because it's part of her. But one who is passionate about her art would certainly be doing more, right.

That said we're talking about Hopoe. If anything vulnerable or closer to mildly emotional makes her recoil and reach for the nukes (absolutely not a Moruroa joke), then maybe...

 I must look totally fucking unhinged doing that, checking if she's here or not, checking if I can think of passing those doors without throwing up at the idea, or preparing an escape plan or a damage control plan like placing myself far enough away that she can't fucking accuse me of stalking for having committed the heinous crime of actually finding out I love dancing, going somewhere to do so, and breathing in her vicinity. 

The irony would be beating her to a tamure marathon we are both in. I don't think I could hold my laughter. I'd just fucking die laughing.

Ahh... I'm thinking of rivalry, yeah, but I don't really want to piss her off. Okay, just a bit. Just enough to say hey, Hopoe, I somehow am still alive and kicking, regardless if you like it or not, and you can't look down on me like that.

It's just that, you know. It's Hopoe. She may have gone totally haywire and I don't recognize her and all this traumatic shit that almost killed me went on, but at the end of the day, regardless of if we can ever reconcile or be civil at this point, she's always going to be my Hopoe. 

Like, if anything had managed to progressed further, I would've loved us to attend such a marathon and say that the one who loses cooks dinner for the other or will be taking care of the other all evening or some silly shenanigans like that.

Good God. 

Yeah. I guess I'm pretty far gone on the insanity spectrum.

Dance tomorrow.