Chip on my shoulder

 It's surreal how... prone to anger I am. 

Especially at what I consider lack of empathy. Injustice. Lack of consideration. Annoying fucking algorithms feeding me shit about autism, ADHD, auDHD, BPD, none of which I have been diagnosed with. Redditors being assholes to a girl who asked a fucking tarot question. 

I damn near bullied a guy and went for the jugular. But then I looked at his post history and he had a terrible breakup years ago.

I so badly wanted to write to him how nobody would ever want him in his life, that he should just fuck off the internet, that he's good for nothing, but my fingers did not follow.

I kept at him being a poor excuse of a human being that couldn't give basic empathy to a struggling girl and... that was mostly it.

Even when I want to, even when I'm furious, I still cannot go for a person's weakest point, and I don't understand. I wish I could get rid of this lock... but obviously, it's here for a reason. And I know how I would feel if it came off. If I said something terrible and the person ended up, you know.

I don't want to ruin anyone's life. Even some fucktard's. I can't wrap my head around it.

Yet I get furious over absolutely nothing. And I just replied to a thread about people from my generation being single, and I'm... 

well. Rage. Again.

I can't feel much more than rage really.

I don't know if I could just discharge my anger on a random person on the street but I do think I could severely snap at something if anything got on my nerves again.

I don't like that.

This isn't who I'm supposed to have become.

But do I have a choice? No. This is how it is. There's no change for someone whose cause is as lost as mine is.

I just have to accept that I was permanently broken by what happened with Hopoe. I want to say, what Hopoe did to me, but I feel like I'm playing the victim by saying it that way. How do I even know I didn't deserve it, after all?

I just know I have a damn chip on my shoulder. And that I don't like it, but it is how it is. Now get back to life. Fissa. You move on and you don't whine. You want a slap in the face? No? Keep moving, shithead. 

Life isn't all about you.