Mehura

It was hot as fucking shit in the room. We're back to the small one. Sadly the big one is not ours, as the original dance school (to whom the studio belongs) has its classes in it. Still I do hope we get to go back there in a while because we were about thirty in the tiny ass room and I can't prance around going back to my line when I've reached the mirror lol.

Waiting for the others to arrive, I was sitting with Despina and another woman I will call Muriel, one of the older students. It sounds like the registrations are going on for the other dance group. Plenty of teen girls, a desk, and a lot of parents. Meanwhile, we thought that we'd be only three at the 'ori class today.

That was until the others all came at once right before Hikianalia was to open the door, lol. Turns out they all parked around the same place and they were staying outside. 

The Argo girls were here, but they were staying among themselves, so I didn't really go and disturb them. 

***

The steps we have been practicing for a couple of weeks now, I'm starting to master them. The fucking ta'iri. I could actually do it without thinking much, all the while I thought the damn thing was not registering. Turns out that perhaps the fact I have a four-day period between the Thursday class and the Tuesday class (Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday) helps the brain integrate. But I was surprised at myself, honestly. I am progressing faster than I thought I would. 

If I can keep this up, who knows what kind of summits I might reach in a year of practice or two. The Heiva laureate that I danced with back at the festival said that in two years of practice, I can get a solid base. And if this advice is from a goddamn Heiva laureate, I'm gonna take it a hundred percent.

Since there were quite a few new people as registrations stop at the end of the month (because otherwise... we're gonna run out of space, we already are very tight here in the small room), Hikianalia re-introduced herself.

It turns out she has danced in troupes and stuff, has done contests, but never won one. That said, she doesn't think it's a bad thing. She's not the competitive kind. I wonder, though, if I could find her former groups on the web. 

Lehuakona is part of a seven-dancer troupe that is going to dance at the Heiva i Paris and I better watch their performance. Cheer her on. I don't fail my first teacher, ever.

***

I found out that Hikianalia loves mehura more than other dances, and that we are going to practice quite a few of them. 

You want to know why I find this funny?

Well, mehura isn't exactly often talked about... but it's the Tahitian hula. 

The fucking. Tahitian. Hula.

FOR HI'IAKA. 

Hi'iaka does the mehura from Tahiti and was in fact conceived in Tahiti and brought to Hawai'i in an egg by Pele.

What do you mean life is synchronistic as shit? 

***

But also, well. I think that my stress is visible, even as I don't realize it.

Just before we were going to start practicing the steps, I started counting everyone. Four columns, five or six people per line... and right behind me was Argo, who put her hands on my shoulders and said:

"Dooooon't stress out! Unclench those shoulders!"

I laughed.

"But I am nooot. I may look stressed but I am nooot", I replied playfully.

...That said. I wonder if she was right. I keep my hands on my hips all the time, almost holding my waist. Got this habit from the times I would be prone to feeling dizzy or off-balance even though it didn't feel like my inner ear was to blame. Rather, I felt as if my body was too light, or sort of absent...

My shoulders are so tight and rock-hard all the time, though a bit less now, that I am probably still hella wound-up and don't realize it. 

Argo did.

I don't blame her for that, but this got me thinking. How stressed do I look? Do I look like the girl who is hella into action, or is my façade of self-assurance an obvious one? Because I do feel fired up on the inside. I do feel... energized. And I let nothing come out. 

Hell at the end Hikianalia asked if we had any questions. I feel so stupid asking questions in front of others that I waited til the end of the class to ask her... and others, who were waiting to speak to her, told me I could do it.

Oh god. Embarrassment. 

Every time I ask a question, or speak, I feel like I'm drawing attention to myself. It doesn't help that I'm the one to comment, crack a joke here and there all the while others are staying silent, or point out when there's something going on.

Like for example, I was the one to see most of us were in the right portion of the room rather than evenly spaced out, when Hikianalia was trying to figure a way to have proper lines. Nobody else spoke about it.

I can't help myself. I have to talk, make comments, point out things.

But asking a question makes me so uneasy unless I'm in private with her, or any other teacher really.

But at the same time I feel like a damn weirdo for always talking to her for a bit after class. Even if it's just one sentence. Are the others going to think I've got a crush on her or something (which... even if it were the case, I ain't doing that to her husband and kids), or that I'm trying to get into her good graces? That I'm a manipulative piece of garbage? Could she find me weird? I've been vulnerable enough last time. I ain't doing this anymore until a while so I don't look too weird. 

I can't wait until we get the group chat on Whatsapp to be fair, I could just drop a message like something I wish I could say to someone, whether Hikianalia or a group member, though moreso a group member, because I'm too afraid of being overly in Hikianalia's face... 

...which is that, while I was driving home on the departmental road between my town and the city, there was a magnificent crescent moon rising. Mihi au ia oe was playing as I was driving carefully as not to accidentally hit a deer or a fox if any were to cross, but... that crescent moon in the dark skies, holy shit.

Just like the first time I came back from Hikianalia's class, at the open doors back in late August, there was a just as magnificent full moon. 

Sharing a vision. A thought. Something I can write about.

Ask someone, later on, if they know anyone who likes to read and would be willing to take a look at my novel draft.

I communicate better like this. When I'm not forced to go up to people and find a reason to make small talk. I like dropping a thought here and there, without much context. I like to share. I'm just too damn terrified to actually do it unless I am hidden in some way. 

Anyway... yaaawn. I always sleep better after ori.