O Hina

 Hell yes, we're starting to learn choreographies!

But also, I must say something: the lady with the frangipani who notices when I'm excusing myself to the loo is none other than Juno's mother.

I have found her a name now. Gaia. Technically Gaia is the mother of Rhea who is the mother of Juno in mythology, but I think Gaia is better for her than Rhea is. 

So Gaia and Juno, mother and daughter, it is...

***

Hikianalia appeared tired today. It was in the eyes, particularly around the second tier of the class. She was forgetting words, sometimes stopping in the middle of a sentence to think... now that might just be that she was improvising, she did say she made her classes as she was going and did not have a set program, but... you know. Who knows if I can even trust myself anyway? 

I don't know if it's true, and I did not dare ask her, or tell her "you should take it easy tonight" at the end of the class... because, well. I'm scared that if it turns out not to be true, she will get offended. I mean, she's pregnant, she doesn't need people like me assuming her emotions like that. Like. In my head I straight up picture her looking at me the same way Hopoe looked at me, telling me I "overthink things" when, after several days of coldness, I ended up going up to her because it was eating away at me.

If I hear another "you're overthinking" with the angriest look in her eyes, you can bet I will be terrified of coming to class.

Of course, Hikianalia probably wouldn't do that... but how do I know, holy crap, everyone appears safe until they aren't. Everyone says they're "transparent" and "hide nothing" until they do.

For God's sake. I am. Fucking. Scared. Of asking my teacher if she is okay. Or telling her to take a rest because I have perceived tiredness in her.

It's not a crime, is it?

It feels like one to me. 

I'm so afraid of getting met with an annoyed look or a violent clapback, even as Hikianalia so far has not manifested violence or aggression... that I just hold off on even saying things like that.

***

I talk so easily in the Whatsapp group. In real life? Not so much. I hate myself. I fucking hate myself. I'm absolutely capable of expressing my appreciation in a fucking text yet I flinch when Hikianalia is too close to me or when someone even just taps my shoulder.

Gina (her or the other one with the same name, but I assume it's her) asked about the festival to get the dates because she was not at the reunion and I was the one to reply and show the festival's (AI made) poster. Others hearted it. She thanked me for it. 

I guess I am useful.

Louise did to ask me to slightly move away, and I jumped, as usual... 

I hate, hate, hate this person inside this body. I hate how she makes everything hard. The ex was right, I make everything hard. And Hopoe was righter than everyone else about me. I'm immature and I overthink.

There's nothing remotely redeemable about this one writing this post and I wish the others understood it.

***

A lot of our fellow students were absent today for whatever reason. Just before the class, a few of the girls said that they would be here on Tuesday. Most are not named yet, and Theia will not be in class until next week. 

I am tired due to my period, and so was Virginia, who came to wait with me. Despina was with a boy who looked like her. I assume it's probably her brother or something... or I don't know, maybe not? Oh. I don't know. It looks like perhaps that full moon was taxing on everyone.

Might be why all those girls said they'd be here on Thursday rather than today.

***

We practiced fa'arapu today, and Hikianalia paired me with Argo. Given that Argo has a decade of experience, I wonder if she didn't pair me with her because I tend to do well? 

I tried to see a pattern. Typically when we are paired with someone they are roughly the same size as us. That is in normal environments. But Hikianalia paired me with Juno, who is shorter and rounder, with Louise, who is taller and a little thicker but also has experience with ori, and now with Argo... who is taller, much heavier, and who has a decade under her belt. It can't be a size thing. I guess it's perhaps... an experience thing? A level thing?

I suggested that it was from intuition. Argo agreed with it.

Then, we did some varu again. Tough to actually advance while doing varu lol, but I will get there. I am so fired up. The girls are all complaining about how hard it is, and meanwhile, I say that it's exactly why it's the best thing ever. They are hot and sweaty: I relish, I prance, I am utterly fired up. I never get enough. I am all bouncy. I need to move.

And yes, the last part was about practicing this first bit of choreography... and I think I will ask Hikianalia tomorrow about solos. 

I might tell her to take care at the end of the conversation...

...but damn what kind of burden I am. Literally.