Helping around

I did not precise it yesterday but I recorded the reunion on my phone. Just checked: the sound quality is good, even if obviously it's not loud asf, it can still be understood well. I haven't got to the part where the Marquesan lady and her husband were speaking, but probably it's doing okay.

I will obviously not tell anyone that I did record it (or perhaps I will later and apologize for not saying it sooner?), but hmm, maybe next time there is one I will ask Hikianalia if I can do it as to be able to transmit it to those who cannot attend. Or maybe I can record it and transcribe it, or make it into an account. After all, I write well. I have good synthesis capacities, as well. 

She did say during the reunion that if anyone, whether student, parent, or anything, wanted to help, that such help is welcome.

Help is safe. Help is a way that doesn't expose you too much. 

I will probably make myself useful somehow. It's weird because I feel I don't technically have to.

But I want to. And that's...

***

...I've tried multiple times making myself useful to people and it mattered to nothing, or my help wasn't warranted. I tried being invested. Back when I lived at my father's I had basically brought upon myself the role of being the family reporter. I took so many pictures to put in an album.

And nobody really cared that I was doing it.

Nobody really thanked me for it.

I was always a thankless figure. Making effort because I wanted to. Because I wanted to be part of something, and have a role. Have something that would put some structure to my existence within the group, like there used to be.

My camera hasn't seen the light of day since last May or June.

I would prepare breakfast. I would be the first to get up. I would put the table, I would prepare food, I would make a good table for the family when they would wake up.

I was thanked superficially. 

Thanks, that's really nice of you.

But at the end of the day, nobody really cared whether I was doing it or not.

And for fuck's sake, that last time I cooked for the family, I still can NOT forget about this. I can't forget about how I prepared those beans... and father came back with his Italian shit and totally disregarded what I had just done for the family.

Or those times I cooked rice or anything for three, only to have it fall apart.

Thankless, thankless server. Just good to be told to "do chores", but when I actually go out of my way to do something, there's barely any acknowledgement.

My mom, I do know she appreciates me making lunch and sometimes dinner, but that's a wholly different thing. It's just the two of us. It would be insane in my eyes not to take care of the sixty-something parent I'm living with. 

***

But maybe... maybe this time, I can actually help and have it matter somehow.

Just too many times in my life I've genuinely wanted to be part of something, go from something passive to something active, actually take part into the life of a group or a team or whatever, and it fell flat because at the end of the day, nobody needs Hi'iaka, and perhaps she'd be better off staying a simple moon.

(because yes, Hi'iaka is also the name of a moon of a celestial object named Haumea. Hence the...)

So... will I...

I'll wait a little before asking, m'kay?

Just like I pace myself. 

I'm pretty sure I look weird as shit.

I must look like a fucking coward to anyone who is watching.

Hopoe would tell me I'm "making knots in my brain" in that derogatory way.

I guess she's right.

...I guess she's always been right about me.