Hopoe

I’ll always wonder where you've gone. 

What happened to make you... suddenly turn to stone, cold and impenetrable stone.

You shut the door, you punished me for asking why, and all the while you never told me why you even shut it, and even today it seems I'm too stupid to understand, or that, as you used to say, I am "short-sighted".

That said.

I reckon it's you who needs to work on yourself. 

I'm not the one who sulks without any explanation. 

I'm not the one accusing others of being immature. 

I'm not the one lashing out, throwing tantrums and saying that dialogue is the key, only to then refuse to talk.

Sure as hell, the rules apply to me but certainly not to you.

Certainly not - you're above everyone else, especially above me.

You've never once questioned yourself, no, you're always right, I'm the problem, and I'm the one who isn't even allowed to exist in your space because it goes without saying that it's all about you, even in my own life; but on the other hand, I'd better not be there, otherwise, for God's sake, it's at least equal to having shat on your tupuna's grave and burnt down half of Uturoa.

For fuck's sake, wake up, you're turning forty in just a few months.

You were here, and then you left, and I never stopped waiting for you.

I lived, I watched, I went on with my life, but with a massive hole inside, and I didn't know if or when you'd be there again, at all. 

All I know is that you were, and then suddenly you weren't, and someone else took your place, and whereas you used to be beautiful and radiant, now you seem small, bitter and withered. 

Bitterness doesn't look good on you, really, it doesn't do you any favours, and clinging to anger and resentment will never do you any good; it does nobody any. You're better than that, and it's just... not you. It's not how you are.

A year ago I'd never have thought I'd be writing this, or even that I'd have gone through everything that went down, at all. I thought we were going to make progress. I thought I'd still be in [city]. Even a few months ago, I thought I'd be dancing there, at the place of a certain Hokulea who's doing some sick choreographies.

and then I had to travel another 500 kilometers

uproot myself, just when I had started to settle in

I had friends, a team who loved me

I had to prove I wasn't a criminal, even though I'm the one who took a torpedo followed by a stab in the back

to come out of mū, just once, for what needed to be done, and sink back into it

even though my 'ori teacher is kind and I don't even understand her kindness because I'm expecting her to criticise me anytime, not encourage me, and she's incredibly patient and I don't know what to make of it

but now I reckon I can express whatever I want; there ain't no risk anymore of me getting into some trouble

Plus, as no one's going to see it, I can say whatever I want; worst-case scenario, the algorithm will pop it up on the feed of someone I don't know, and it's just going to be relatable.

It's so rare for me to write anything on FB, anyway. But it feels good when you know no one will see it,

so I'm writing it all here.

You're still here at the end of the day.

You're everywhere and it even scares me a bit sometimes, because I think to myself, jeebers, it's pretty insane how you still manage to be there; you're creeping into every part of me and I can't control it.

You're not here anymore, but at the same time you're woven into the very fabric of my life

and it's terrifying, because rationally it shouldn't be this way

but that's just how it is

You here? OK. you're here

not chasing you away

because I can't

and anyway, I don't think I want to.

That might make me a loyal person

that might make me a huge fool

none of this shit matters

all I know is that's just how it is

and it's not any other way.

besides... I'm getting a little unicorn from Vinted that'll go on my table

and I've got a bottle of ylang-ylang mono'i which I use sometimes,

in my bathroom

It's not my favourite, mine's frangipani,

the flower of immortality, for the woman who cannot die, this is me

but it smells lovely all the same.