The recital was today. I went an hour before because I didn't know where the gymnasium was: I had never been to this town bordering the bigger city I live in.
I was stressed out, needless to say. Didn't want to miss the beginning of things. I actually had trouble finding the place and I hate using my GPS because connection can make it fuck up big time. But also, sometimes the street signs are NOT facing you which means you only realize too late when you've missed the street. For fuck's sake put them on both sides!
But after scrambling to find a bank to retrieve some cash to pay for snacks (firifiri and my BFF Hinano), lottery tickets and goodies (got a handmade seashell bracelet, another one, from a very nice girl), I finally made it to the gymnasium. Not many were already there.
I went immediately to buy my tickets. Took seven of them. And then went to sit. Just chilled there, listening to the musicians playing.
***
Hopoe, beautifully dressed in a short jumpsuit with her thigh tattoo showing and her hair down (it seems only a little longer than mine, actually! but since it's curly...), came a little later, with what I thought was a couple, or a mother and her son, I wasn't sure. Friends or relatives, perhaps. I didn't feel there was anything going on, and quite honestly, if there had been, the ending would've been different. I will get there.
We met our gaze. She didn't immediately avoid it, and I didn't flee. I just gently smiled at her. She didn't have much of an expression, but she didn't outright ignore me, either. She pointed to the others to sit on the opposite end of the terraces. I remained where I was. After all, I came for my own enjoyment, too. Because one of the two dance schools that were giving this recital is the one I will join. With this fascinating teacher. I had to watch more of them. Get the vibe.
(Since it's very likely she will be my teacher, I will name her Hokulea (Hōkūleʻa), which is both the name for the star Arcturus (α Boötis) and the name of a va'a (Polynesian double-hulled canoe) which was built as a replica of the ancestral ones that were used to migrate to the islands way, way back in time.)
***
It was, needless to say, beautiful. The other dance school has a French teacher who was actually found by Polynesia as a child. Yes, she didn't find it, Polynesia found her. If you get this deep into Polynesian culture, especially if it came to you in a somewhat unexpected or random way, seemingly fated, this is the octopus coming for you. Coming for her children.
But oddly enough, I prefer to have a Tahitian teacher. Not that her dances were bad, they were far from it, but... despite the fact that in either group I would have something different, something "in-between" that may or may not be visible from my face, or simply felt, I will always favour a Tahitian teacher over a French one. So Hokulea's group, it is.
I actually came across one of the dancers I contacted for the tamure marathon at the festival. This is someone I will likely get to know later too. I'm not going to name her yet, but eventually, I will.
I was sitting between a Polynesian couple of grandparents with a baby girl and an old French couple whose little granddaughter was part of the dancers. The baby, with her beautiful dark eyes, could not stop looking at me. I smiled at her. I extended my finger.
I nearly felt like crying, more than once, as I watched her. The eyes of a baby are full of something I can't quite put my finger on. Innocence yes, but something else. They're not yet a person. They're... a person in the making. No, a child isn't really "a person" fully formed until say, age seven or eight, that's when their essence becomes palpable. But this baby, she will not remember me, but something was transmitted. Who knows if I will not come across her many years later, either here or in Tahiti, or another island, all grown up? I will not know it's her, but something will be there.
Some kids, both French and Tahitian, were running around. The guy at the microphone told parents to put their kids on a leash otherwise they'd be sent to adoption centers. Lol. But while I do think children should stay put during shows like that... I can't imagine getting mad at them. They're innocent. Half of them probably didn't want to go. They don't realize how important this is. How much of an event this can be for many of us. I would only get mad at a child if they were purposely annoying me. Or if they actually hurt me. I would tell them to be careful, but the "getting mad" part is the parents' job, not mine. Me? I'm just Hi'iaka, existing.
***
One of the dances was a tribute to Pele. It felt like a personal synchronicity: Hi'iaka, the goddess, is her favourite sister after all. The terrifying, violent goddess of volcanoes, capable of destruction like none other, is also the one who loves the real Hi'iaka the most. How beautiful is it to be loved by someone who can destroy entire world in a fit of anger?... Just, don't have her destroy you, but to watch her set the world on fire...
***
Sometime near the end though, one of the dances from Hokulea's school was about peace. It had two sets of dancers: four of them were dressed in warlike attire, with weapons, in black and red: the others were wearing a white dress. And once it was over, the guy in the microphone said:I want you to turn towards your neighbour, left or right, and to tell them a message of peace.
Oh, Hopoe.
She was too far away for me to do anything. I felt like getting up, going up to her, and doing it, but I didn't.
Of course, the old lady next to me and I laughed a little about it, because we didn't know each other so there was no reason to give each other a message of peace.
The microphone guy actually asked some people to say one over the mic. I nearly waved to him to try and say one to Hopoe, even if not mentioning her directly or saying where she was in the public, but the moment was gone soon enough.
But the message of peace. It stayed with me. I had a feeling this was the moment. It's completely irrational and it was probably insane to think about. But I knew. I didn't know why. I knew. Things were too aligned for it meaning absolutely nothing. Or perhaps that proves how completely delusional I may be, but I am still convinced, as deep as my entrails go, that it was my cue.
***
It ended. Now was the time for the lottery wins. I had seven tickets, as I said earlier. The second person to be called was me: I got a goodies bag with Air Force stuff inside what I think is a glass or a candle holder. I was tempted to go, but I knew I still had a few remaining and not all prizes were given yet, so I went back inside.
Indeed, that was the right call: I won a voucher for a brunch at a restaurant-bar not far from my place. Oh good. I would've preferred to earn the massage, but that's cool too. And I'm the only one who actually won TWO prizes instead of one. Have people not bought multiple tickets or what? Did I just get lucky?
Either way. After that, we had a final moment with the dancers. The mic guy told us all to take each other's hands and form a large, large circle, like the family we all are together. I was tempted to go towards Hopoe, but a dancer from Hokulea's school extended hers to mine. Her bright red lipstick looked so good on her. On the other side, a Tahitian young mom, kind of like Manu.
We sung a traditional song and I danced the whole time to how it was flowing. Nobody else was dancing like me. I was happy, channeling all the joy through me, not caring one bit if I looked ridiculous or too much. Hopoe was opposite of me, on the other side. I wonder if she sang, too.
Once it was over, I asked the dancer when I could sign up to join. She told me it would be in September. I said I was likely going to become part of the group.
Oh, cool, we'll be future colleagues!
I have no idea what her name is yet, but the seed is here.
***
Then came the moment. Hopoe was talking to girls here and there. She knows people from Hokulea's group and I think also from the other one. Catching up and all, probably.
I waited. I knew I wasn't going to get out of this gymnasium without having broken this stalemate once and for all. I genuinely didn't want to be the one to make the first move, once again. But I felt that if I did not, it would extend even further, and the "message of peace" just... I had to say it. It was my cue, as I said. I would be talking to Hopoe today and I was not going to run.
For sure, I guess the script would've wanted me to "wait until she makes a move". But honestly, fuck that. Fuck preconceived ideas of "how to do things": sometimes you just have to do it.
I waited for as long as I needed to. I wasn't going to interrupt her conversation. No, that's creepy and intrusive. I was patient, did my best not to do accidental photobombs for people taking pics with the dancer girls.
Then, she walked towards the exit and passed by me. I walked alongside.
Hopoe.
Her voice flew out like a scared bird.
Ah no.
I kept calm and kept walking by her side.
Hopoe... the guy earlier on, you remember, he talked about a message of peace.
Ok- I'm gonna slap you.
No anger. Fear. Containment. I continued.
Hopoe, I'd like us to stop being in a huff with each other. We can't keep pretending we don't know each other.
We came out of the gymnasium's entrance hall.
She went towards a woman she knew, dressed in green, and talked to her a little. I felt she wanted to escape. But me? While I was sort of unsure about the ethics of what I was doing, I still remained.
I was calm. Patient. Not chillingly so: I felt grounded, unmoveable. It felt very different from the time I went to confront her on Malva's request back in November. At the time, I was hot, shaky, I felt like it would be entirely useless. But here? I felt as if this was to be done.
She got her car keys out. I rummaged in my bag for mine, unable to find them.
I want us to make peace with each other.
Stop, leave me alone, I swear I'm gonna slap the fuck out of you. I'm really gonna slap you.
Now I don't remember if I actually said it or if I thought it really loud, but I think I might've said:
I'd rather have you slap me than ignore me like that.
But still no genuine anger in her eyes. If there had been, I would've been frightened. I'm terrified of angry people and I know one when I see one.Leave me alone.
Hopoe, why did you unblock me then?
No answer to the real question.
The people she was with were nearby, probably waiting. They appeared a bit puzzled. I think they might've asked her what was going on.
She's messing with me, she told them.
I did nothing to you, I said a final time, softly but slightly louder. I just want us to stop fighting.
I didn't follow her to the car.
It's weird, but I know she wouldn't have slapped me at all.
***
I remained there, I felt the tears coming. But they didn't. I looked at the lady in green she had just talked to, who turned her head sort of neutrally, but I guess she felt uneasy. Or like she didn't know everything but it was palpable that there had been a row between Hopoe and I.
Then, I went further away put my bag on the ground to have a better look, feeling like I was about to cry. Finally, my car keys. I started crying as soon as I was in here.
I had no idea how to come home, and I was still crying as I was trying to find my way, but I stopped at a supermarket. Might as well buy something to drown this in.
You know what I found?
Hinano.
Literally nowhere to be found usually, and tonight, I could find some. Not that expensive: 2,30 euros. That's fine by me.
I took two cans. It's forbidden in my room, but nobody's looking and the rules explicitely state that in case of an inspection, barring suspicious smells or safety issues, personal cupboards, fridges and stuff would not be opened. I'm all good.
I'm surprised at how little I cried, and how I didn't feel like I was dying. I also bizarrely don't feel she actually hates me. I also don't think I've been pushy: after all, I sent literally one message after six months and I did not interrupt her. Every time she was busy, I let her be. But I did not back down. I did what I had to.
I think that might be the difference between overstepping boundaries and just being firm. I did not grab her, I did not scream, make a scene, or cry loudly. Of course, part of me still feels a little conflicted, but... again. I feel this was the moment.
Sometimes you just know it's time.
***
Now I got a nice pot for my makeup brushes.
By the way, she hasn't re-blocked me. Not to say she won't do it again, but she could've done so immediately after. Or upon coming home.
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