The stars

Those nights have me wear my pearl to sleep, again.

Not because Hopoe is on leave. But because if I die, I want to die with it around my neck. I don't want it to be next to me. I want it to be on my body when my soul leaves it, if it does. 

By the way, by typing her name in the email as if I was going to write her one, I found out that she's actually been on leave since the day of the recital. Then, at the moment, she's preparing for yet another professional exam. She may be on the way to become a warrant officer, unless she requested to pass said exam. It's generally automatically prepared when you're nominated to gain rank in the next year or so, but she's been a first sergeant for... three years I reckon? Three or perhaps four years. I can't access her file on the database anymore anyway: where I am, it's only those from my service and those who are inactive. So, guess I'll be in the dark for a bit.

Cepheus didn't tell me about that though he probably knows but I assume he just didn't think of telling me the details. Just that she was on leave. Or maybe she didn't tell him, if she indeed signed up for that exam. 

Anyway, it's not that important. What stands out to me is that I knew she wasn't around. The heat explanation might not have been entirely spot-on, but... still, I knew she wasn't here. I did not feel her presence. And I did feel her presence many times without even seeing her first. 

Those things are real, aren't they...

***

By the way, silly little me put tinfoil on the external side of my windows to try and block more heat and... it appears not to be such a shitty idea! Apparently though, don't do it on the internal side, as heat will get trapped between the foil and the glass. The temperature shock may fragilize or even break the window. Better not have a whole ass lot to pay in reparations AND a broken window in the middle of a heatwave, mmkay?

But really, it seems to work. So let's keep it until it stops being so damn hot... and put some back when the thermometer goes crazy again...

***

Something happened this morning that rattled me to the point of crying. 

Thankfully the other jerk went to his new office and Passiflora moved in (by the way, learned that my guess of her being from Martinique is correct!), but... this morning, it was 29c at 9am.

I told Dionysus and Theodora it could be good to close the window, as it was only going to get hotter from here.

Nah, let's have some air, said Theodora.

Mmh, okay. 

No, we will wait until 10:30am to close, said Dionysus. We need to let fresh air in.

But it's 29 degrees outside. You want to get hot air inside?

Yeah, we are in the back of the office, we're just taking in all the heat, added Passiflora, who is right beside me.

No, we'll close later, he kept refusing.

Sigh. I let him have his way. I was severely annoyed and worried about overheating, but here we go. If they both want it, I guess I can't do much, and I can't impose myself on them, either. 

A dozen or so minutes later, Capella got back in. I let her know that I thought it could be nice to close that damn window. In the end, she went to the window and closed it. Theodora showed her how to close the blinds.

I was raging inside.

So when it's the warrant officer, we can close it, but when it's me requesting it, we can't? 

I didn't raise my voice, but I was definitely holding it back. 

Yeah, but like, she's the warrant officer.

So what I'm saying has no importance?

Let's not get angry, said Dionysus.

Oh yes, we're going to get angry, I seethed while keeping a straight face. There's a point where you have to. 

It was rising in my chest. I just wanted to smash the fucking desk at this point.

No, let's not... no need to.

Capella then came back to her desk. Still herself. Saying that it was starting to get real hot outside.

Not like anything I say is worth listening to anyway, I let out. Not that my voice has any power, does it.

Silence as we resumed working.

...And my tears came. 

I hid them. I was working on something, I kept working, silently letting them fall. Holding back sobs. I was afraid that if anyone saw me crying after that, they'd think I'm doing it because I didn't get what I wanted. I think not even Capella noticed. I blew my nose a few times but blowing one's nose is normal, so I don't think anyone realized anything. 

I felt like a spoiled brat, like a manipulative little girl that throws a tantrum for a fucking stupid window ordeal. And it kept coming back to my chest, a deep knowing:

Nobody ever listens. Nobody would ever listen to me.

Each time, a new wave of tears. More sobs suppressed. 

At some point, having finished up the file, I asked if the archives room was open. It was. I went to put it back there: on the way, I let it out after a good twenty-five minutes of waves that I suppressed and smothered as not to look like a whiny child. It was silent. But it was there. And it felt better. 

I waited a little to come back. I didn't want people to ask me if I was okay. Not that it's any important anyway. 

And as expected, nobody asked. Good. The last thing I want is to make a scene, and to be the one who cries all the time, all over again. Compassion isn't infinite in people. There will be a point they'll realize I'm just a pussy, and I'd rather make it as laaaate as possible.

***

In my deleted files in my mailbox, though... I found the text I wanted to send to the whole team at the end of my old contract. Back when I didn't know if I would ever be back there.

The date of last modification (as I had actually started writing it earlier) jumped out to me.

November 25, 2025.

The day I went to confront Hopoe directly at her office after Malva told me "if I were you, I'd go see her!". 

The day following the evening I nearly killed myself, and only Jap, my father's beagle, was with me, licking my feet like crazy and just being here, in his non-judgemental, innocent way.

Fuck. 

I sent it to myself.

Have it here, translated.

***

The stars

The day we all went to the thousand-seat concert hall to listen to our chiefs and generals, one after the other, for a full day, a certain captain [Cygnus] asked me if I was dreaming of stars. Indeed I was, and I still am, but not of the ones that you can find on a sleeve. I was dreaming of other stars, those who remain when the sun goes down to hide below the horizon, only to reemerge in the wee hours of the morning.

 Carefree, sparkling, they remain here, lost somewhere in the cosmos at an unattainable distance. Some of them have long died, but look like they are still shining flamboyantly. It's just that we haven't seen them die yet, and that we may never see them going out, whether quietly or violently. Some others are already here and have just been born, but their light has not reached us yet. We may not ever see them, either.

The cosmos is vast. But when you're missing a dozen people, Reader, you're only face to face with the immeasurable void of space.

Alright, time to tell you yet another story.

Imagine a bit of cosmos. Not the entire cosmos. Just a part of it. Take a few constellations and put them all in here. OK. Looks like they are set up way differently than in our sky...

Cassiopeia sometimes cohabitates with Boötes [Old Major, not the one I ended up naming Boötes], who loves his old guy teas.

At first, there were Cepheus and Cassiopeia. But unlike the mythological figures they're named after, they are not married. They simply rule over this little nugget of cosmos. Sharing an ascendant.

Besides Cassiopeia, four very peculiar constellations: a Snake [Cetus] who likes to pretend he's the most handsome, a sweet Lyra [Libra] with a comforting vibe, a Scorpio [Oria] who pierces without violence, and an enigmatic but sensitive Corona Australis. [Hopoe]

And one day came Corona Borealis. [Hi'iaka] Coming from another constellation I will not mention here, she may have originated in another cosmos, but she came to pour her light on this one.

And Corona Borealis keeps dreaming of her beautiful Corona Australis, even in her silence.

(Just as a side note... the name of the most visible star in Corona Borealis, Alphecca, means "broken", and it is also called the Pearl... and Corona Australis has her own... Alphecca Meridiana...)

25.11.2025, unfinished work.