Dismissed

 So. On the day I learned I failed my exam, I sent an email to my professional advisor. I told her I had failed, and that I thought people projected a whole lot of things onto me that aren't true. Like, for example, me having the capacity to succeed at such exams. I mean, this was aiming for the lowest of the low, and I didn't even pass. Nevermind that the threshold felt astronomically high, I mean, 17/20?? But still. I was raw. I even implied I was going to get drunk and should've let the shelf crush me. I did get my Hinano, but fortunately or not, I'm still alive.

I got a reply from her this morning, which I will partially translate:

"Hello Miss,

I have read your email.

It is indeed always disappointing not to get the outcome you hoped for. This is a common experience for anyone looking for work or sitting competitive examinations. However, there are always other projects to pursue for those who can look beyond a single result.

[Details about our next appointment in July, and her redirecting me towards more job search organisms, including the one we are in]

I would like to reiterate my recommendation that you get back in touch with the team of healthcare professionals who appear to be supporting you with your treatment or your GP.

We will also discuss this during our meeting.

Thank you in advance for your understanding.

I hope you have a pleasant day and a good weekend."

***

I guess she didn't want to be dismissive, but I feel like I'm going to have to be wary of her now, and I may not open up as much as I did in the past. I quite literally poured my emotions open, and while I thought she had emotional intelligence and she's a person with a similar mental functioning as me, I just feel dismissed by her reply overall. 

Like... no. It's not just about disappointment. I'm sick of people acting as if I'm just not good at handling disappointment or failure. Or like I "can't tolerate frustration", hello my former therapist of when I was ten who slapped a spoiled brat label on me when my fucking family was breaking apart and I was cornered by the two adults who should've supported me.

I wish people understood that: it's NOT a fucking disappointment problem. This is glossing over the real issue. It's not about "the outcome I hoped for". Like I had any hope in the first place. I hate even the usage of the word "hope" in those moments: this is not about hope. This is deeper than just hope. I can't even explain it but to me hope is more superficial. Here? It's probably about the whole system of belief.

The thing is that my whole life I have got the message that I "always can do better", that nothing I do is ever enough, and especially that you can be as good, compliant, and willing to do well as you want, in the end there's always this chance that it's not going to be enough, that you will still be rejected in the end, and that when the possibility is there, it often happens to slap me in the face an extra time.

The thing is that every time I dare get the fuck out of my shell, I get punched back into it, like that "never again" meme, except I somehow am insane enough to get out of it again and expect different results.

The thing is that people always praise me, always see good things in me, and the truth is that I'm a piece of gold-plated dogshit. People think I'm a nugget of gold but I'm just a mock piece of gold.

The thing is that I'm always bracing for the moment they'll realize how terrible I actually am to be around, to work with, that I'm just a lazy shit that takes shortcuts once she figured out what to do, and that then, I will never be seen the same.

The thing is that perhaps people don't truly like me and put on a face "not to hurt my feelings". I haaate this excuse. Like you're doing the other any favour? 

The thing is that I've been trivialized enough in my life that I have to literally cut myself sometimes to prove to myself that I'm not being dramatic, that what I feel is real, that it's worth taking seriously, but that at the same time, knowing how people react to self-harm, I have to hide it at least for the time it's healing.

The thing is that this world lacks humanity and that it's a proper fucking heresy to "refer someone to professionals" like they're a problem to be managed and not just a human being who is hurting for very good reason. 

Somehow I'm always the problem, though. I'm "inappropriate", I'm "too much", like I have flirted with her or something.

***

"However, there are always other projects to pursue for those who can look beyond a single result."

I hate, hate this phrasing. I don't know if I'm right to feel this way but it feels like a jab. 

It feels like she's implying I'm incapable of it. Or that, like I'm always told, "I have to move past it", "I have to deal with it".

Manage. Deal. Process. Put it away. Move on. Function.

A constant injunction to be "functional". To "be above it". To "get over things"

To accept the unacceptable, in essence. To not feel like a parasite that life itself is trying to get rid of. To not feel like an absolute failure nevermind I keep failing in academic contexts. To stay in my lane, accept, be at peace with things. Just "not rocking the boat". 

No. 

I'm sorry, this is not how it works. This is no longer working on me. I have absolutely no idea how to adapt this to the world I'm stuck in, but I'm done with this.

I'm done with "managing myself". I'm done with treating myself like I am sick, beyond my physical health issues. How is it abnormal to feel the way I do when you know what I've been through? When you're in my shoes, or in the shoes of someone with a similar experience? How is it any abnormal, tell me?

This is not about me.

This is about how everyone AND myself are treated.

I'm sick of people implying I "think I'm special" somehow, or like what I feel "happens to everyone" and thus should be entirely stripped of its intensity, of its subjectivity, and of its presence. 

This has never been just about me. How many are dismissed in a day? In the entire world?

Like just yesterday about that event we had to attend and I nearly got heatstroke? I was not the only one this could've happened to. The human body realistically can't survive endlessly in such terrible conditions. 

***

When I was paralyzed by anxiety so strong that I could not align three words without crying, my psychiatrist told me I had to "take a step back".

A psychiatrist. 

A "professional".

I remember I had noted everything I wanted to say to her about my internal state and she stopped me, saying she didn't want to hear it.

It's a miracle I made it out. 

***

No shit Sherlock. It's not that I can't deal with it. I do, eventually. Or rather, I bury it and just build around it, because most of my wounds take a long time to heal, if they ever do.

Like here, already, I'm dealing with it.

By fucking barking it on this blog. 

Better than keeping it in, bending over to show my ass, get fucked hard and say thank you, isn't it?