Electricity

I'm back from the doctor's. I have nothing serious going on after the accident, thankfully. My intuition was spot-on: it's mostly the muscles and the psyche that have born the brunt of the whole thing.

I could get the doctor to prescribe me some Xanax. No idea if I'll be taking it but I like to have some around. He also prescribed some physiotherapy for reinforcing my back muscles and shoulders, as well as more painkillers (I swear paracetamol's going to have my liver someday, rofl. I take one a day lately.)

Of course, I immediately notified Capella going out. Turns out she's also afraid of the black shelf that almost killed Theodora and I. She changes in front of it in the evening and feels uneasy. That thing better be sent to be destroyed. It's negatively charged now. It will always have this near-death experience charge now.

***

Speaking of charge. I wanted to write about this today.

The air between Hopoe and I was always charged. I noticed looking back. I was wondering how we could reconnect one-on-one, but every single time we were alone with the other, the air was full of electricity. Even in the beginning.

On my first day of work in the service where Bellatrix, Steph, and later Malva were, Hopoe came to see me. Nobody in the office next to it. I was surprised since when we met first she seemed kind of reserved and I had no idea if she also felt the pull I was immediately feeling upon meeting her. 

I will never forget it. It's burned in my memory. I remember it was the day after I had to force the breakup out of my ex. I knew that the next day my father's team, consisting of seventeen people, would be coming. There was no Cygnus, no Austral, no Grey, no Oria yet. They replaced team members that would be transferred either to another city or to another service (like Eridanus). 

Needless to say, I was absolutely not happy about the fact I'd have to eat among seventeen, SEVENTEEN people. I'm shy as shit and so many new people at once felt overwhelming. 

On that very day, I was not exactly eager to come downstairs. I was getting ready slowly, minding my own business. Started hearing noise. 

Ah, they're coming, here goes my tranquility.

I keep doing my things. I'm trying to find something to put on. I also didn't know really which necklace I'd wear. For sure my pearl had been a favourite since the year before, but...

That's when I happen to look out of my window, and I see a woman. 

A large, brown, black-haired woman, with a white flower behind her right ear... with tattoos that were unmistakable, and wearing a very specific kind of blue flowery dress...

It was no secret who she was, and where she was from. 

OH. MY. GOD. 

I immediately put on my pearl, get dressed, but it takes me yet another hour to find the courage to come down. Seventeen people. And I can't get her out of my mind. 

I finally shyly come down. They all seem happy to see me. They greet me, they are seeing their soon to be former colonel's daughter. Someone they probably heard a lot about.

She notices me.

Ah, I know this little necklace!

I'm absolutely giddy and nervous and I have no idea what to reply.

Ah, it's you!... (c'est vous!)

I was formal. But soon enough switched to informal. Asked for everyone's names.

Cassiopeia, Cepheus, Cetus, Libra, Eridanus, Virgo, Megara... 

But not all were given to me. The group had kind of split to play pétanque. So I asked for the remaining ones.

Jolene... Bootes... Chin... Gill... Hopoe!

Hopoe.

Hopoe... everyone with her actual name that I know have turned out to be complete bitches so far. I actually had a driving instructor with that same name, and she was a nightmare.

I sat across from her, not quite directly across, but next to Cassiopeia, to whom I started to speak. But all I had in mind was Hopoe, though I absolutely loved Cassiopeia as well.

I was looking at her dress, her tattoos, the shape of her eyes, her face. Her profile. It's kind of straight, but not entirely. Kind of flat, too. You can tell her ancestors are not only from South-East Asia, but that she's also part-Chinese, part tinito. It turns out she was back home for four months at the time she got the pearl for me, on request of my father who asked me if I wanted any pearl jewelry from Tahiti. 

Later on, when we were eating together as a group, she told me that she almost didn't get it, because they were out of stock: only two weeks before she was due to return to France, the lady who produced the necklaces finally had mine ready. The white pearl on a golden chain. The one echoing hers, black on a silver chain.

At the time, I thought she was some random white colleague on a mission. The kind to get a manta ray tattoo or a gecko or a tiare "to bring back a souvenir". Fuck that kind of souvenir, hard. Bring anything back but a tattoo you only did for "touristy" reasons. If you do it, I'll always have a part of me that contempts you hard.

I just had no idea that... in fact...

***

It took me drinking a couple glasses of wine to actually speak to her. I'm this fucking shy. Especially around women.

I loooove your accent!

Hopoe smiled with that smile that makes all her face shapeshift. 

Oh, but I don't have one.

Yes you dooo...

Nooo, I don't...

My stomach was full of butterflies, but not the burning ones. The light ones that make you smile like an idiot.  Later on we talked one-on-one as all the others except Gill, who came to join us, were off playing, but I felt like it was a bit hard to get in. Plus I had no idea how old she really was: I thought everyone was in their fifties, even those who looked younger. Plus she did have the flower behind her right ear, but what if it was just her preferred side and she didn't care for the tradition? No ring on her hands.. but some people don't wear a band. Oh maybe she has kids. Maybe she's old enough to be my mom. 

***

When she came to see me that day, on my first day of work, she was actually taking Austral to my service as she was fulfilling an arrival procedure.

Hey, Hi'iaka. 

Heart rate climbs. Oh my. I didn't expect that.

She was whispering. I don't know why, because there was no one. The air was charged...

Oh, Hopoe, I didn't know you'd be here.

Everything okay? You're settling down well here? 

Yeah, I'm getting started, already got some stuff to do.

I was in charge of packing and unpacking the files of the personnel which had either arrived or were departing.

Good, I thought I would come and see you.

That's sweet of you, thanks.

Okay, now I'll let you work.

She went out. I thought the charge was only on my side. I was basically trained to expect nothing by people. People were just negative when it came to me sharing crushes or trying to find out. "It means nothing", they'd always say. Or "she doesn't like you". It was the case indeed but people were always so pessimistic, dismissive and just... cold with me, that I started hiding it when I liked someone. I started going at it entirely alone. Because I knew it was never safe to talk about those things. And I did experience someone liking me back, though not in real life, at the time.

But no, it wasn't.

***

A little later, perhaps the next day, Hopoe was still here for Austral's administrative procedures, and we had a short conversation. I was waiting for my warrant officer I believe. That's when I learned Hopoe had been in the East and loved it. That she likes neither the South nor the West. But the East? Loves it. 

Again, it was short, as I had stuff to do and I was so nervous I could barely hold it inside, but I was so close to her, and she was unflinching. I couldn't stop looking at her lips. She could've definitely backed away if the charge was just on my side, come to think of it. I was always standing so close to her without realizing. It wasn't an issue even at the time. 

It might've been the day when I found out she was not in her fifties, but late thirties. That we didn't have this big of an age gap: only twelve, nearly thirteen years. Still fits. My limit would be something like fifteen. Basically, I don't date women who are old enough to be my mom. Hopoe's on the older side, but whatever. I already knew, anyway. 

What I didn't know was that all the time I wore my pearl before meeting her, I was totally ignorant of the fact the woman who gave it to me would... be someone I would fall for. 

And of course, later, the flirting and all, initiated by me.. The amethyst, the walk I fucking MISSED BECAUSE I WAS USELESS AS SHIT. I was so intent on not misinterpreting that I fucking missed two opportunities for us to be together alone dammit. 

I just miss those times dearly. The electricity for sure hasn't died, and I don't think it can. When you see what happened at the recital it's pretty obvious it's still here. I just wish... it was still like before.

But I'm pretty sure she got panicked when she realized she was in, too. For real. Of course that's just a theory, but the minute she caught herself... the walls came up. The fortress armed itself. And she's been armed for so long now, though... perhaps her violent reaction is one of the last defenses.

***

Oh Hopoe, my Hopoe. How I miss you.

A ho'i mai...