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I live.

I won't stop living for her.

But at the same time, I don't want to live if she isn't around. I don't want a life without her. 

I can live without her, yes. I mean what have I been doing before I met her, and after things went to shit? During those times we were hundreds of kilometres apart? I lived, yes. I danced, I moved out of my father's place, I drove, I saw things, I laughed and cried.

And I went to that festival, last weekend. I had one of the best times in a long time.

But oh Lord. I don't want to live if she isn't around. I don't want to live without her. 

From the outside people would probably think I'm pathetic. Or that I'm crazy, or that I'm deluded, or that perhaps I'm a masochist. That I can't move on or something.

But that's the thing. I know why I am staying. Why I am not moving on. It's because every time I was tempted, because of course you can, I just... no. It's still there. It's alive. The thread has not snapped, and I'm not cutting it. 

It's because even before I met Hopoe, I wore her pearl. I had no idea who she was or what she looked like, and that pearl was already my favourite necklace, without knowing why. It's because there's such a level of synchronicity with so many things that doesn't ever stop even now, it's because I literally never experienced that in the past and I mean it, I've loved plenty of people and yet have never seen the likes of a connection like that with her. It's a long story really.

It's not rational. Does it need to be? I feel the world is too hung-up on "rationality". Don't open your mind so much that your brain falls, of course, but to constantly dismiss things as "a product of your brain", or simply "coincidence" is just... reductive. 

That's why I keep silent about it. It's because I know what people are going to tell me and I just don't want to hear that, because I've heard enough of that in my life.

So I write here. I pour it here. Probably not that many people look at my blog and even fewer would think to add a comment, so I'm sort of safe. 

But no, no life without her is worth living in my mind. It is on paper. But the taste of it? Not the same. Something is missing. And I don't want it to be missing.

Let me just... talk to you again.