What?

Title says it all.

I went for lunch at the mess hall. Given that Cassiopeia told me yesterday that the team would be on a trip, I thought that I could breathe there a little.

I go, take my stuff. I don't know why but before that, I still felt a hint of apprehension. Took an antiemetic just in case. I can't have antiemetics on me without abusing them, it seems. I change shoes in my room, I go back.

And then, as I'm waiting in line, the first sergeant she was talking to yesterday passes by. Ok. They're not from the same service. They do work on the same floor and are culturally the same, but... 

Then I happen to glance behind me. Further away in the line... 

Hopoe. With a friend of hers. 

What the fuck?

I thought she'd be away the whole remainder of the week. Now I don't know if she's the only one in her team still upstairs, the only one not going, but I started shaking. I found a space where I wasn't exposed. I was probably looking weird with my deer in the headlights look, but finally I sat in the other room. There are wooden screens between some sets of tables, probably for noise reduction, and I hid behind one of them to eat. Food was nice, but I couldn't help but glance over my shoulder every now and then. 

Could finish my plate, but holy crap. Hopoe, what the hell. Are they simply departing in the afternoon or is she not going? This kind of messes with my head. I expect not to run into her and there she is. 

I wish I could just go up to her and say hello. What makes my heart rate absolutely explode and my body go haywire is... that wall. Like. I don't want the humiliation of going up to her and having her friends see me and her doing the ignoring act and... me basically looking crazy. In front of a first sergeant that seems to like the little she's seen of me, on top of that! 

Just... fuck. I don't know what's going on anymore. I almost want to climb those flights of stairs to go see her and talk to her in her office, but I'm pretty sure that's not a good idea. If she's alone there is probably a chance she may not... but at the same time, given how she reacted back in November, and how high up her walls are, I don't know. 

I guess I may see her a lot this week then. Or not. I may already bump into her at a recital I'll be attending on Saturday: this is the association I may join for 'ori tahiti, I gotta see them again. Plus there's a lottery, so why not. 

On the Facebook post, I see she asked about the lottery tickets in the comments. So, probably... we'll be bumping into each other. 

Why must you make this so fucking hard, Hopoe. I'm serious.