Dreams

I actually dreamt of Hopoe kissing me last night. I sadly don't remember all the details, but I recall that we had the whole dream together, and at the moment I remember the clearest which was just before I woke up, we were in a room with red linoleum on the floor. Sitting at a bar table, on bar stools. At some point somehow I had to comfort her, took her in my arms, kissed the tip of her nose... and then she lifted her head and her lips reached mine. Quickly, it became strong, so strong that hands were starting to go places, and I thought we should get a room. At the same moment, the cleaning lady swept off crumbs from the top of the table. 

Then I woke, but I was incredibly groggy and tired. I wish I had noted the dream down but I just wanted to go to piss and then go back to sleep. I did. I was just too tired to really have a clear mind in the middle of the night.

***

Hopoe is the person I've dreamed the most of in my entire life, even more than my own parents. Back during our golden age in August-September of last year, I remember the very first dream of her very clearly. It was the night before we sat together for the first time. We were in a hotel bed. At first I just felt there was someone with me in bed, it was dark. But then I realized it was Hopoe, playing a game on her phone. She asked me for help, I did, then tried to sleep. Then at some point she turned it off, put it next to her, then turned back towards me and surprised me by holding me at the waist...

Needless to say this was an intense one and it didn't help that I heard of her all morning at work that day. It was about her medical derogations so she could participate in her officer exam I believe. But the timing was curious. It often happened that I had a vivid dream right before she did something. 

I remember that on the day she started becoming truly standoffish, it was especially jarring because right before, as I woke up, I quite literally heard her voice whispering in my ear that she wanted to be mine. So of course, when I stumbled across her suddenly stone cold, arms crossed, stiff as a board when I greeted her, when just the day before she literally blushed seeing me and darted forward and seemed nervous... it was something I couldn't wrap my head around. (By the way, I rarely hear voices. Mostly in the hypnagogic stage. No schizophrenia here I think lol)

***

A full-on mouth kiss was one of the only missing pieces. The last barrier is... well. The 18+ stuff. The most recent kiss was a kiss that was on the corners of my mouth, almost at half of it, by a Hopoe that looked like she was much younger, perhaps... in her teenage years, a few months ago. Another few months ago, I was expecting her to ignore me in the dream, but she just suddenly almost collapsed on me, said she wasn't able to sleep, that she loves me so much, and I was myself very taken aback by this. I remember our hands intertwined at the fingertips, and we kissed several times, but on the cheeks. 

Like regardless of what's going on in real life, the dreams progress. Huh. I'm not sure this is my subconscious at play though, not entirely at least. I've never been of that school of thought that "it's just the brain". It's never "just the brain". We aren't just brains. If so, how do we explain the unexplainable? How do we explain the absolute abundance of synchronicity in life? I'm not even just talking about Hopoe here. On this blog there are multiple synchronistic accounts.

How do I explain that I was literally born a day before Capella, even if with seventeen years of age gap? That everyone in my father's former team, except for a few, are Sagittarius risings, and he himself is one? (Hopoe's is anaretic, btw). That nearly every time I'm looking for an item of clothing, I don't find it until a year later? That's a pattern. If I want something, give it a year. 

***

Since I doubt I'm some sort of overlord with special powers (although that would be some... cool, but unsettling thing, hell I don't want to have so much power?), then it can only be explained by mechanics of the universe itself. 

Fate, God, universe, whatever you call it really, it rules our lives and while we have, I guess, some form of free will (although limited, if you're the type to check astrological transits or to make event charts every now and then, you know what I'm talking about), ultimately if you take path A or path B, there will be a script unfolding either way. But at the same time, how do we know that you're not actually supposed to make that choice? If it's not part of the greater story? 

It's no surprise I'm a lover of Spinoza, though I hate reading philosophy books.

***

Also. Capella is on her period. She told me she's feeling tired and down today, and I naturally suggested hormones. Surprise: she feels no pain during her period. Just... feels depressed and burnt out. 

Meanwhile I'm ovulating, my appetite is fucked a little, I'm feeling mildly nauseous, the pain irradiates into the vagina, and last time I mean, I dreamt I was expelling a dead fetus.

That ultrasound can't come soon enough.