Health

I'm just...

I had an okay day. I went to buy my antiemetics (two boxes this time, given how much I consume them, and how I need them right now), got myself a shower shelf to hang on the screen, a soap dispenser so it looks nice, a few pots to put my lentils, pasta and rice. I walked for a while, I even got a new book (which English speakers will know as Wind, Sand and Sun by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry). 

But I'm thinking about my ovary. About all my symptoms. About all that got worse health-wise. 

Mom asked me yesterday if the pain was the thing that made me nauseous and almost vomit. I replied, at the time, that I didn't know. But today I told her that it was probably the case, yeah. After all, the nausea eases when the pain goes down. Why didn't I make the connection though, despite it being obvious? Because in my mind, you don't throw up from such pain. You throw up from bones being broken, from giving birth, from... a whole lot of more painful things than my period and ovulation pain.

...Like. Is my pain tolerance this insane? Pain that makes you vomit would make many people go to the ER apparently. Me? I'd only go to the ER if I'm about to die. Or if I cut off a finger or if I haemorrhage or anything that I consider truly serious and prevents me from functioning altogether. 

I should get a GP. I have one in the city I used to live in with my mom. But I literally never go to the doctor. The last time I did was the day after I threw up from all the stress at my dad's place. The appointment had been made the week earlier and happened to be right on the nose, but I literally otherwise never go. I deal with things. 

I wasn't brought there very often as a child, either. There aren't a whole lot of entries in my health journal except when I was two or three and lived in a highly polluted big city. Most of the time, I would go for vaccines. I was raised to go to school with a cold. If I don't vomit, have diarrhoea or am not running a fever, I was sent to school. This applied to when I was in middle school and walked 2.5 km in, 2.5km out to school and back. 

I do remember I once went for a micro-rupture in a ligament in my ankle when I was 10 or so. I got off my horse a little too fast and my foot hit the ground flat, and something felt like it "cracked", like when you take a belt and you suddenly pull it from both sides. 

I'm just so not used to go to the doctor. Because nothing seems ever serious enough for me. Or hardly. I just don't think about going. I sleep it off, I rest it off, I distract it off. I have never got medical leave, ever. I have pains and aches here and there, and they come and go, and I don't get them checked. I didn't even get my knee checked when I went to that cardio workshop and was half an hour late because I missed my exit in Toulouse, then had to start with a tifene position off the cuff, without warmup. Now it doesn't hurt anymore but perhaps this is going to wake up later, and it took a good month and a half to two months not to hurt anymore when I was crouching and getting up.

I hate that my body is already starting to fail when I'm not even thirty and I otherwise hardly, if ever, get even just a cold. It's like having the best guard in the world defending a dilapidated castle. 

What I do hope is that I don't have some form of cancer. Now that would be the ultimate middle finger. But I guess cyclical pain isn't indicative of cancer... so. 

Also, my acid reflux and IBS have been gone since I'm no longer stressed all the time. That's one positive. But to think my reproductive system decided to signal to me that it was possibly in a much worse condition than I thought, just holding on by a thread...

...isn't it illustrative of me, after all? Disintegrating without giving the impression I am. Keeping stoic. Walking. Smiling. But still dilapidated.