Beer-fueled implosion

 I didn't think I'd be crying in public today, but there I am.

I totally forgot that today, we had an event at an exterior place. It's basically a massive historical building with military significance and it has beautiful gardens that we were having the event in. All of the people working in the building I am in were invited. That means everyone was here. Those who aren't on a field trip (which is the case of most of my service, including Esme) or on leave, that is. Still have no idea where Oria is: probably on leave. Or sick again. Where the fuck are you again?

But one good thing: I did not once see my father. Don't know where he is, but I got suddenly worried and gazed around for him. Nope. He wasn't there. Good.

***

I spent that time with the team. Not mine. The one that is pretty much my family. Gill and Megara were on the bus with me. I would've gone there walking if I knew where it was, but I was too afraid of getting lost. I had never been there in the past: it's ten minutes away from the quarters, but I just had no idea how to go there. I talked to a colleague of mine I will name Blue, because she's got some truly beautiful blue eyes. And black hair. Reminds me of winter. She's really a gorgeous lady.

I found them later at the place. Then Cygnus, Libra, Grey, Cetus, Austral, Bootes, even Chin (who isn't actually getting transferred this year, but next year, as I found out from Austral). Cassiopeia and Cepheus, too. Also a sergeant, Virgo, who I haven't talked to a lot but who is part of that team and actually is in Austral's office I reckon, and a guy I will name Eridanus, who once came at my father's place, and his wife, who happens to share a given name (won't say which) with Hopoe, mistook me for a high schooler. He's actually a strong element of the team but I think he changed sections so I don't see him as much, but we got along well. 

I did not see Hopoe nor Jolene initially, but I later did: Jolene was at the beer stand cooling bottles and Hopoe was serving soft drinks alongside a few others. Of course, when I passed by, she turned her eyes. It's a good thing I didn't want fruit juice I guess. Went straight for the beer. It doesn't matter that I've been drinking for four days in a row, I just wanted... to drink. Can I?

Good news by the way: I have yet another confirmation Hopoe isn't going anywhere, nor is anyone in that team: it's in 2027 that there will be changes. For this summer, everyone stays. But I know for a fact Chin will be part of those leaving. 

Cassiopeia told me that the team will be on a field trip on the Côte d'Azur from tomorrow to Friday, so also... no seeing them until next week, I guess. I enjoyed that time with them: I haven't had the chance to do that in so long.

***

I spent most of my time alongside Cygnus. It felt good to be in his presence again. We talked and talked. We went at the table, eating standing, part of a group with Grey, Austral (who was half on and off between groups), Eridanus, and others. A full glass of beer was enough to get me buzzed already: I couldn't stop talking and laughing with Cygnus. I even got to tell him that if he had any spirit animal, it would probably be a swan. I nearly gave the name of the constellation. But even though I doubt anyone will find this blog, I thought it would be better not to. I even almost went up to Cetus to tap his shoulder and ask "hey, how's my favourite sea monster?". 

You're going to find this weird, and so do I, but I actually imagined myself kissing him while I was drunk, and I was sort of tempted. I'm both weirded out and not weirded out, because I wouldn't go further than a kiss, but at the same time, if I was a character in an otome game, he and Hopoe would be my two options. There's just that little something. He's no manly man, he's all graceful and almost feminine in his traits, and I just feel that there's just, you know. A vibe.

He also jokes around a whole ass lot with Grey. Apparently the two get drunk to the point of vomiting sometimes, in a room together. I even told them, jokingly, to get a room. Strange how they talk somewhat formally to each other but you can literally tell that outside of work, they'd make good friends. 

***

The whole time, I wasn't exactly far from Hopoe, but not close either, and I could see her glancing in my direction all the time. Now was she actually looking at me, I can't say. I can't exactly know if she truly is keeping an eye on me from afar, or if I just happened to be there. But still, she'd do Hopoe: when passing by me, literally acting as if I don't exist. Sigh. All when I just wanted to smile again at her after she unblocked me. It's still kind of maddening, you know. 

Hopoe, why do you unblock me when I'm the one running away because I have no idea if even saying hello is not off-limits, but then once I can come back you just ignore me? 

I just. There's no way she doesn't care. If she didn't, on the contrary, she'd... not waste energy doing that. And it's not like I'm being persistent or even in her face. I literally did not approach. So...

***

The fun part is that Cygnus kind of acted as a guardian angel to me. I was getting obviously quite buzzed, laughed at absolutely everything, said stuff without much of a filter, and I was tempted to get more beer after my first glass. He said don't, because otherwise you'll be tired. When I went to the bathroom (and came across Hopoe and another first sergeant with the same origins, and... got to hear a little of Hopoe's voice again, returning from there), I came back looking for my drink. 

Your cup is the one with water in it, Cygnus said.

Yeah, you're shitting me. 

Nooo. I mean it.

I took the cup.

You sure about that? That you hadn't pissed in it?

Yeah, no, I didn't, he replied amusedly.

I smelled it. I actually could totally see the thing of "I pissed in your drink" coming. Beware the innocent-looking ones. 

Okay, sure.

Indeed, it was water. I did ask him if he wasn't a bit of a guardian angel as a joke. He didn't know what to reply and laughed. Then, a little after, he went to hang out with the officers. I didn't drink more beer after that, just water. 

***

But then the booze started going down. Once the high was done, it was time to go back down. And it went way down. I felt an immense sadness overtaking me. Went to hang out a little among the others. Went to see Cassiopeia. Tapped her shoulder.

Hey, hope I'm not bothering anyone here, but I missed you.

Yeah... I mean, we have our things going on... 

Oh. 

I went back and talked a bit to Cepheus. I don't remember exactly about what, but it was getting harder and harder to hold back my tears. Hopoe wasn't too far away: she was with that first sergeant, I believe. Or with others from her place of origin. Talking.

At some point, Cepheus said something about "expressing things to move forward", and I thought:

But I don't want to.

I think I'm starting to not enjoy those "talks about life" anymore, to be honest.

***

I don't remember if he said he'd be getting somewhere, but we separated. I went to greet some of my team who were nearby, Hopoe still close. 

There the tears came, uncontrollably. 

I still tried to hold them back. Turning back, I felt like hiding. I didn't want Hopoe to see that. I lit up a cigarette from my case, crouched down by that tree, and I just didn't last half a minute before I actually started crying. I hoped nobody would notice.

I see feet. Cepheus.

You okay, Hi'iaka?

He came to me, asking what was going on. 

I've been living, yes. I've been existing, living my life. But I've been living with a gaping hole in my heart the whole time. 

I cried, I cried, my body spasming and trembling. The reservist major lady I work with, who I love, actually knows Cepheus: I will name her Major Alderamin, as it's the brightest star of the constellation of Cepheus. She came to me, trying to comfort me. And so did Blue. And so did others, from my service. Patty. Even my warrant officer, who I will name Capella, because she's starting to be relevant enough. 

They got me a chair, but I was trembling and crying standing in Patty's arms. Cepheus was nearby. I cried, and cried, saying how much I missed Hopoe without ever saying her name or anything identifiable about her. Cepheus asked me if I wanted him to leave. I said, stay. Please stay with me. Just here. 

Can I do anything for you?

Just... don't say a word, just remain here.

He remained.

That's all I need in those moments. Not the right words. Not advice. No, just someone holding me. Witnessing, staying nearby, letting me cry, seeing it. Seeing that all of this is real, that it exists and isn't just an illusion of my mind.

I even asked him if he could hold me. He hugged me as much as he could in a formal environment. Then Blue took me for a walk. She was doing the words thing. I know people mean well. But I had a better time just... walking. It was soon time to go, anyway.

***

Hopoe was nowhere to be found around, even as I cried. I guess it's probable that she saw Cepheus going to me, realized there was something going on, and left to go somewhere else. I have no idea actually, my attention wasn't quite on her at this moment and as I said, I just didn't want to implode in front of her. I was worried that maybe she'd see me as truly unstable, or truly the "immature girl" she said I was, or that perhaps she'd have a look in her eyes that would kill me on the spot. 

Though... I guess she probably isn't indifferent to that. If she were... I guess she would've been in the same spot. But Hopoe being Hopoe, there's plenty I can't really tell.

***

When I came back, Cassiopeia was here. I guess Cepheus told her about what was going on. I don't know why, but the first thing I told her was "sorry". Maybe because I'm sorry to show that side of me when I strive not to. I asked her if she could hug me, but she refused because they were in military outfits and it wouldn't be appropriate. I took it in stride: that made sense to me. She told me that I shouldn't overthink things, that I eat myself up with worries. But I told her, this isn't about me  overthinking thingds. I didn't tell her what was going on, in fact, I guess it says something that even drunk, that part of my life is under a massive lock. 

But still. When it was time to say goodbye, she still sort of did hug me. Told me that in June we should arrange something and eat, just the two of us. It warmed my heart. She does care after all. Perhaps she doesn't want to, but she does. I'm always worrying about bothering her and all. She can be blunt sometimes, she even prides herself on it, and I'm not always in a space where I can take bluntness well.

***

I said I would go back to work on foot. My colleagues didn't want me to go alone. I said, don't worry about me. Capella, however, said that she wasn't worried about me, because she knows what it's like to implode like that and need to be alone. She later on told me that she once absolutely exploded at a superior because she was still in her toxic relationship with one of her daughters' father and on top of that got a bad notation. She appealed and got a better one, but still completely flipped out at her superior. So, she's no stranger to breaking down like me. We are very similar, anyway. 

Thanks, Capella. Thanks for understanding.

Thought perhaps I'd see Hopoe waiting for the bus, but while there were Cygnus, Libra and the others, she either left earlier (perhaps when I broke down?) or just wasn't there. But I'm pretty sure she might've been one of the first to leave. 

***

I walked back to work. Couldn't do much this afternoon. My head feels achey and it feels like I have a wall preventing me from concentrating on what I have to do. Capella, too. Neither of us slept well last night, probably the heatwave has taken its toll on every single one of us.

I had colleagues come back asking if I was okay. 

It's one strange thing to be cared for, isn't it.


edit: Jesus, I saw my watch. My heart rate went as high as 176 bpm.