While I was going to the snack bar, starting to feel my vagina irradiate because I'm approaching ovulation, I came out at the same time as part of the team. Cetus, Libra, Jolene, Cygnus, Grey. They rapidly said hello to me but they didn't really otherwise interact. Tried to talk to Cetus but he excused himself to message/call someone. The others didn't pay much attention to me. In all, I was just kind of third-wheeling and I wasn't quite enjoying it.
Huh. I guess they're pretty busy. Cepheus, who texted me yesterday to get some news, told me that this week is a tight one: they're preparing the arrival of the newcomers and they're also getting some late files out of the way as to avoid certain predicaments that could happen due to team members successively taking their leave in the summer.
Cassiopeia confirmed it. Gah. I had planned to see them this week. Even briefly. But looks like this isn't happening. God, I'm tired of this.
At least, I'll be on leave on Friday. I'll also go to a GP appointment as to try and have said GP be my family doctor for the time I am here. Mine is still in the south and I won't exactly drive 500km just to see him.
***
Sent them both a picture of my new piercing, and told them that I have so much to talk about and say, but so little time. And that's true.
I wish I could, finally, tell Cepheus that I nearly died back in November. Not keep it a secret anymore. Also tell him that I'm about to get an MRI to look for endometriosis. And how tragically ironic this all is.
But when? I don't know. It feels like I always have to wait an agonizingly long time to tell people, and I'm so concerned about dumping and making them uncomfortable à la Leonard that I just keep silent. I never say when I'm not doing well. Or hardly. I just say yes, I keep my smile.
Because I guess it's always too much for people to see my truth. And I just don't want to be another deadweight in people's lives.
I mean, they have children. They have a life. They have a family.
Me? What do I have? Near-death experiences, a complicated situation with a woman I love, health problems that are either appearing or that are getting addressed after years of neglect in this regard, I'm constantly holding on by a thread, any good times end rather promptly. I got chronic fatigue, I got depths and depths of an inner world that nobody cares to know about, or would be able to handle, because I guess nobody wants to hear me ramble about everything I know or everything I write about, and I just got a profound sense that I'm just a drag to most people.
***
I didn't see Hopoe initially, but I saw her later. A glimpse of her, going to the mess hall with her first sergeant friend. I'll give her a name because despite the fact we haven't talked much, I think she deserves one.
Hani. In Tahitian, it means "love" but in the sense of tenderness rather than romantic love, and also can mean "darling". I mentioned it, but I always thought she was lovely. The little time I've spent with her, I found her nice to be around. I have her birth chart in my database lol, though I don't have her birth time. That's how she resonated. I wish I had the chance to snag her birth certificate for a minute though, just to know her rising sign and angles.
Hani is married with three children I think, and has a last name and first name combination that sounds Portuguese, but wait until she's actually there lol. Then you find out she totally isn't. Just likely has ancestry because colonization. Tane's mom has an Italian last name and yet she's Marquesan, so...
I thought, first, it was possibly someone else, but then later on, as I was about to go get my salad, I really do think I recognized Hopoe's features. She didn't look happy. Her expression, although it was kind of obscured by the window and lighting, just didn't look smiley. She looks stressed out. Probably talking about it to Hani.
I just notice she hasn't really been eating with the team like before. Or perhaps it's just that I've seen her every now and then going with Hani, but I wonder what they're talking about. I wonder, also, if Hani, who has seen me as a sweet presence rather than anything "intense", could tell her something like, go talk to Aka, or something. I guess that if Hopoe had painted me negatively to her, she wouldn't look at me with still the same eyes anymore.
***
By the way. If the appointment is confirmed, I may get the MRI in a couple of weeks.
I wish she was here.
I wish they were here.
I just hate to keep it all inside like this.
***
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