It makes me cry now to see kitten videos. Why? Because I nearly came to the point I would not see them ever again. Same for the voice of my cats. In just a minute or two, I could be dead or have my brain damaged enough that I would never be the same again. This blog would've been abandoned and my daily life lost to time and the internet.
Oh, kittens. How I would love to have one in my hands right now, like the one I rescued a couple years back from a ditch, and who was suckling on my palm and meowing every time I got away from him even just to take a pee.
***
Both Hera and Capella sent me a text to have some news. I felt okay, but this morning, I was sore all over. I slept for almost eight hours yet still don't feel rested.
I woke up at my usual time for work, but I texted Capella within half an hour to tell her I wouldn't be coming. I think Theodora probably isn't coming, either. It's a good thing I happen to be on leave tomorrow so I can go to the doc. I will text Capella when I get the results: I promised to keep her updated. Strange how we aren't friends due to our hierarchical positions and the fact she's my superior, but if we were outside of work, we probably could be. But here, I'm forced to call her Warrant Officer. Not Capella. It reminds me of my former warrant officer: several times I nearly didn't get formal with him, and I hated that I couldn't be on a first name basis with him.
***
That said, my lieutenant and I were. Think I will give her a name now: Bellatrix (γ Orionis, "the warrior woman, the Amazon") She was known of my father, sure, and got along well with him, but she was an exception. It just came to an end when she said I should still refer to her by rank and be formal because she didn't want people to ask questions or think she was playing favourites.
I recall how shattered I was, and how uneasy I was talking to her afterwards because I had no idea where to position myself. She asked my father if I was upset or offended: I confirmed that I wasn't, just that I was shaken because it came out of left field and because those things quite frequently make me retreat into my shell.
Of course, now we're back to a first name basis. I just hope she isn't going anytime soon.
***
I was craving one thing today, and still am: meat. Meat. MEAT. Beef especially. Not chicken, not pork: beef. Corned beef last evening wasn't enough. I wanted fresh, dripping beef. This is the reason why I'm never going vegetarian or vegan, despite being appalled by how factory farming treats animals: it's because my body will ask for meat when it needs it, regardless of ethics.
***
I went to a supermarket I wasn't used to, just for a change because I tend to go to the same two. It was the one close to my ex's place, and we even bought some groceries there once.
On the way, I actually drove by her place: checked, but didn't see the shitbox anywhere nearby. I actually wonder if she either went back to Mauritius for good (which, honestly, would be nice because that means I can't quite bump into her anymore, and that means she probably has to get a reality check), or if that damn thing finally broke down for good and she changed cars.
To think she was supposed to get a new one a year ago but for some reason didn't buy the one that was offered, which was in a much better state than this dangerous piece of garbage she was driving: a 2002 Ford Fiesta that should've been sent to the graveyard long ago. Don't know what she was spending her money on, and it's not my business, but for real, the engine was overheating all the time and she pressed what I think was the ventilation button to cool it down a little. I think also the speed dial was broken as I never saw the needle go past 60. One of the window seals was straight up torn off and the upholstery had aged. I was always uneasy when I was inside of it.
***
There, I found some stuff I actually needed: covers for my pan and saucepans so grease doesn't jump at the walls, a refrigerator thermometer, ice cube trays, and even a nice graphic T-shirt for less than four euros. I don't have many graphic tees anymore, just that "Moon Lover", the ones I use for sleep when I'm not sleeping in a pareu, the one Vaima gave me, and the Goodbye Kitty shirt. I used to have more of them when I was at my father's. "A day in nature", one with a Camaro from H&M that I hardly wore, two with buffalo skulls (one of which I left at my mother's because I love it but it's got a boxy cut), a thick short-sleeved one, also boxy, dark brown with moths on it. But that one? "Sunrise Lover". And a pretty shade of beige-brown. But most of my graphic tees belong to a bygone era for me.
But the meat was not looking good, except for turkey. Even horse, which I absolutely adore in spite of being a huge horse lover as well, wasn't looking good to my eye. So I thought I'd go to another one I thought was close.
Except I lost my way, and I refueled my car for ten euros, but the needle didn't update until I refueled a SECOND time for the same amount, and... I got lost. Literally spent two or three hours driving around. Tired as I was, afraid of getting into an accident that would confirm I was meant to die yesterday and just missed the coach and that the Grim Reaper was coming for me and will not leave me alone, I barely knew where I was going.
***
Je suis fiu.
I hate myself. Why am I such a disaster at the wheel? Why does a little errand always turn into hours of driving around because I miss an exit or don't know my way around? Oh and I almost get hit or honked at. Yeah not everyone knows their way around!
Putain c'est fiu. J'en peux plus.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
Oh fuck n- Mappy go fuck yourself. UPDATE DAMMIT. Oh god but what is that data doing? FUCK DAMMIT this is why I hate GPS-
...Fuck.
C'est fiu... c'est fiu...
Okay, now I get where I was. This close. Fuck.
J'en ai marre. Je veux rentrer. Cas de fiu monumental.
I wanna sleep... so fiu...
Fiu, in Polynesia (you pronounce it like "few"), is a bit of an umbrella term for a generally exhausted and negative state of mind. You're fiu when you're tired, when you're sluggish, when you're nonchalant, when you're depressed, melancholic, when you're sick of something, when you want to be left alone, when you're hungover, feeling lazy, you're basically fiu for a lot of stuff but what you're fiu for is highly contextual. If you say something is fiu, it also means it's annoying, heavy, or exhausting.
Also goes towards people. Sometimes I want to tell Hopoe, holy damn you're fiu with your middle-schooler antics.
(But of course, I won't. Unless she talks to me and calls me fiu first. Hehe.)
***
I did find a supermarket, but not the one I was looking for. Silver lining though: found good-looking beef, specifically a couple patties and flank steak which I had for lunch. Tabbouleh, which I love and when I'll have a proper kitchen, I will probably make, myself, alongside the Table of Gods recipes (ancient Mesopotamian stuff, looks interesting as shit to eat).
I was so sick of it all that I was afraid of misremembering how to get home. I was barely even here. But I made it home, and I ate.
I also had my Hinano, the last one remaining in my fridge. Will buy a couple new cans in a while. It's aq treat despite the fact I can't finish a 50cl can because I just get to my limit typically at three quarters.
***
Tomorrow I'll know if there's any damage, if I can get some Xanax (as I don't have a whole lot remaining) and if I will get medical leave. Not that I don't want to work. I actually like working.
But truth be told. I'm afraid to come back into that office. I actually hope I can stay away until the service is fully moved so I have a fully new office and don't ever have to go back in that one again except if I need something from the others. There won't be anything but a wall behind me, and perhaps whatever I choose to pin to it. Whether it's a frame or a pareu or a poster or a rug or whatever else. But certainly not a massive metal shelf.
I don't think I'll ever be comfortable around those ever again, if I'm being honest. I do love wardrobes for hanging my dresses and having a full-length mirror, but... I'm just terrified that the next time one falls on me, there won't be a Theodora to bear half of its weight, and that it's time, there will be no more Hi'iaka out there.
***
Capella just texted me again. I should reply to her.
Also, just noticed I have bruises on my thighs, right where they were pressing on the desk at work... they're not very apparent, I actually found them by chance by pulling up my skirt while sitting with my feet resting on the edge of my desk. Purplish still. I can't imagine how my back and shoulders might look like in a while.
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