Coming Home

 

"I'm coming home, I'm coming home

Tell the world I'm coming home

Let the rain wash away

All the pain of yesterday

I know my kingdom awaits

And they've forgiven my mistakes

I'm coming home, I'm coming home

Tell the world I'm coming...

I'm back where I belong (yeah)

I never felt so strong, man (I'm back, baby)

I feel like there's nothing I can't try

And if you feel me put your hands high (put your hands high)

If you ever lost a light before, this one's for you

(Baby, put your hands high)

And you, the dreams are for you

I hear the "Tears of a Clown,", oh! I hate that song!

I always feel like they're talking to me, when it comes on (come on)

Another day, another dawn

Another Keisha, nice to meet ya, get the math, I'm gone

What am I supposed to do when the club lights come on?

It's easy to be Puff but it's harder to be Sean

What if my twins ask why I ain't marry their mom?

Damn! How do I respond?

What if my son stares with a face like my own

And says he wants to be like me when he's grown?

Shit! But I ain't finished growing

Another night, the inevitable prolongs

Another day, another dawn

Just tell Keisha and Teresa I'll be better in the morn'

(I'll be better in the morn')

Another lie that I carry on

I need to get back to the place where I belong

I'm coming home, I'm coming home

Tell the world that I'm coming home

Let the rain wash away

All the pain of yesterday

I know my kingdom awaits

And they've forgiven my mistakes

I'm coming home, I'm coming home

Tell the world I'm coming home

"A House Is Not a Home," I hate this song!

Is a house really a home when your loved one is gone?

And n***as got the nerve to blame you for it

And you know you would've took the bullet if you saw it!

But you felt it, and still feel it

And money can't make up for it or conceal it!

But you deal with it (deal with it), and you keep ballin'

Pour out some liquor, playboy, and we keep ballin' (ballin')

Baby, we've been living in sin

Cause we've been really in love, but we been living as friends

So you've been a guest in your own home

It's time to make your house your home

Pick up your phone, come on!

I'm coming home, I'm coming home

Tell the world that I'm coming home

Let the rain wash away

All the pain of yesterday

I know my kingdom awaits

And they've forgiven my mistakes

I'm coming home, I'm coming home

Tell the world I'm coming

"Ain't No Stopping Us Now," I love that song

Whenever it comes on, it makes me feel strong

I thought I told y'all that we won't stop

Til we back cruising through Harlem, these old blocks

It's what made me, saved me, drove me crazy

Drove me away, then embraced me

Forgave me for all of my shortcomings

Welcome to my homecoming

Yeah, it's been a long time coming

Lot of fights, lot of scars, lot of bottles

Lot of cars, lot of ups, lot of downs

Made it back, lost my dog (I miss you Big!)

But here I stand (here I stand), a better man

Thank you, Lord! Thank you all

I'm coming home, I'm coming home

Tell the world that I'm coming home

Let the rain wash away

All the pain of yesterday

I know my kingdom awaits

And they've forgiven my mistakes

I'm coming home, I'm coming home

Tell the world I'm coming...

home."

***

Welcome to another edition of "Hi'iaka remembers all of a sudden a song she hasn't heard or listened to in God knows how many years and suddenly starts to listen to it on repeat for no apparent reason but there's probably a reason anyway since any song she seems to listen on repeat seems to hold meaning". 

I don't like rap, still. But somehow the two songs I'm listening to a lot lately are rap. I don't know why. I recall that for years I didn't care much for Diddy's part, only for Skylar's. I don't really care about the shit he got into, by the way. A song is a song. Music is music. 

Unless I truly dislike the artist as a person (Chappell Roan comes to mind, I genuinely can neither stand her nor her fans, "queer" artists' fandoms are generally littered with the kinds of people I heavily dislike anyway), I'll stick for it. I can not approve of an artist's actions (Mr. Kitty having an affair with a minor, for example), and yet still enjoy what they do. People should separate the art from the artist whenever they can, imo.

But I remember when this song came out. I was almost eleven on the day it was released but I remember it airing all the time on the radio in early 2011. I was then eleven. A bullied kid. Wednesdays, where I would be at a sort of communal center where my mom was doing her internship and interacting with other kids totally outside of my schools, were my safe haven. There was a girl I was friends with, and developed feelings for. She's now married to a man twice her age, and I don't ever remember having said goodbye to her, but sometimes I think it was possibly mutual. 

Like, one day... I remember we were talking over MSN, and I told her that I loved looking at the full moon when missing someone. She said she could see me in it. 

I never forgot that. Still an innocent love, still... I don't know. Negated? By her further history with boys? By religion, probably, since she was from an Israeli family? I'm not even sure how she remembers it, but it was so tender. It was before things truly took on the worst turn for me that has never seemed to stop since. I was between crises, yes: the teacher who bullied me when I was in CM1 (I think that's 4th grade?), then two years later, my family structure imploding... the move to the Parisian suburbs, the bullying... but this was still one of the few happy parentheses I had, then.

Now I guess I'm in the in-between, too. This morning I was working myself up trying to decide if I should resign from my job and go back to mom's, or try to stay, try to return, to force myself to get to the end of that contract because who knows if there's not going to be another job offer.

But there is ori tahiti. If there wasn't the problem of Hikianalia and Hokulea, I would not be this stressed. 

I don't know if Hikianalia would take me later in case I have to leave Hokulea or something due to professional constraints taking me back in the south and it kills me.

I also feel so, so close to joining Hokulea's group. But what if I'm so deadened by my job and the stress that I cannot even enjoy the classes?

What to do, still?

Chatbots don't really have an answer. Plus I don't know, letting a machine decide instead of you... but also, besides Tane who hasn't really said a thing about it, I'm terrified of talking about it to my mom. Or to Hera, or Capella, or anyone really. Because I bet that people are going to tell me to stay, that this hard-earned independence would be a shame to lose. And I agree. I agree, this is why I haven't made my decision too. 

But at the same time, is... is this environment even viable for me? Am I not heading towards yet another fall, much more serious this time around?