Crossroads

This is the week I decide, now. The MRI's out of the way. Hikianalia's classes are in three weeks. I still have no idea about Hokulea's.

I texted my mom, initially, this morning. The tears were coming. I had planned this. That this week would be it.

"I'm really pondering whether it's viable to return to this job. I don't even have the slightest guarantee that I'll have another contract when this one ends, or... that I'll even get to the end of this one, giving how I was already deteriorating. The only non-negotiable variable in this is that I'll start dancing this year. Got a group here, which I've been eyeing since February, but there's also some in [city close to which she's living]. I'd just love to stay here, but is it even viable... I'm such a wet mop. Been battling the question for three weeks now and I really need to make a decision because if I dance in the south, the classes begin on September 1 or 3 depending on which day I choose, here still no dates but judging from how it went last year, it should be circa September 8. So sick of surviving, I'm just wondering how much more precarity I can still take, I just know that whatever decision I make, something's going to be lost, and that there's no good answer. I mean, I fucking tried to kill myself."

"If your contract isn't renewed, you'll judge then. No need to make knots in your brain before knowing. Has your nausea eased? No more diarrhea?"

"Then? Except how do I manage if I need to exit this mid-year? I don't know about nausea btw, I took an antiemetic this morning and I don't dare eat a whole lot. Diarrhea's over. What I'm saying is that I don't know if I can come back to the place that broke me. "

"Is this your work or just one person that is disturbing you? If it's a person, are they in your office?"

"Both. I have a great team but I'm in a tiny 6-person office and I already have trouble with that. Before, we were the sameish number in the other building. The offices were bigger. Ceilings higher. And for the people, they're not from my own team, but they're in the building I used to be in, three floors up, and I'm afraid of bumping into the one who finished me off, I can't deal with the fact I would be so close to a group I dearly love but that some of said group pretty much stabbed me in the back, and not being able to go there. And the snack bar where all this shit hit the fan, I can't go back to it. When I gave it a try, I was shaking and desperate to go. Also, the job, I told you about it. Repetitive AF. I'm not doing anything else."

"I understand. In this case, you should explain this to your colonel if he's your direct superior and see what he's got in store. He might have a solution you don't expect.

"Was thinking of seeing my boss. During those three weeks, I had neither the energy nor the nerves. I was still too fragile.

"That's human."

***

I then went to the store. I figured that in the case I would be forced to remain, I should redecorate my room a little. Brought a chair cushion, a new set of sheets, some cleaning rags, a mop. With how nauseous I was yesterday I figured that in case I ever get sick and accidentally vomit all over the floor, I should have something to clean it with. 

In the afternoon, I went to Hera's office. She was happy to see me, though she kind of knew why I was doing it before I even said a word. We sat at her table and started discussing things. Obviously, it became rather clear that I'm most likely on the way out.

But the way she's handling it is comforting. Almost... better than my own mother.

Hi'iaka, if you need to break the contract and go south to rebuild yourself at your mother's, I will not blame you, it will not change the very positive opinion I have of you. I want you to be in good health and in good spirits, and if that takes you going away, that's not a problem. 

Meanwhile, my mother wasn't hearing me. And still would not later. 

There's one thing about my mom. She means well, obviously. She does love me. She wants me to succeed, to be stable, to be happy. But I noticed that she's very quick to minimize my distress, and I don't think it's because she doesn't care. It's because if she realized only a third of what it actually implies and how I truly am doing, how broken I am, she would probably fall apart and blame herself.

I remember when she would get angry when I was younger, how she would say "yeah so that means I'm a bad mother!!". Obviously to some, it would sound manipulative, but I don't think that was her intention. I think that deep down, she's genuinely terrified of being a terrible parent. 

And given that she was less than perfect to me at times when she was still married to my father because she was under stress nearly all the time, first because of my grandmother and then because of him and his bullshit, and that on top of that I looked even more like him when I was little than I do now, looking back, maybe she knew that she had a lot to blame herself for.

So, yeah. My mother is one complicated individual. But I don't blame her. I don't hold it against her. I still would never project my own trauma and anxiety onto my daughter, but I understand where she's coming from, and honestly, I'd still be willing to make her travel sixteen thousand kilometers to join me.

Hera and I went to see the civilian personnel HR dude. Basically, he told me that I can't change jobs within the quarters, that there's a limited number of months allocated to contract workers like me... and that all are used up. So, I'm shit outta luck here.

Going out, I texted my mom again. Told her what happened.

"Then, what is she [Hera] suggesting?"

"My choice is binary, in essence, to come back Monday or to break off my contract. She said she wouldn't hold it against me if it turned out to be the better option, that she wants me to be doing well, and that it won't prejudice me later, i.e. if I have to come back say, next year, I could. It will not prevent me from being re-hired here, whether here or in a different service. We went to see the HR guy."

"Now that you've talked to her, you can see that your return can happen in better condition, you must be happy!"

"...Well, if I can come back, that is. Because again, it's the environment more than the job itself."

She hasn't replied since.

I think she doesn't want to see it. Or perhaps she understands now, but keeps silent about it. Very much like her.

Either way, I guess those new sheets would be useless... or not, if I do have a room again next time? I don't have a single bed at my mom's place. I have a sort of small double. Those sheets will be too small, but I guess I can keep them anyway?