Investigation

This morning, I went with Hera to the chief of admin formation (basically one of the higher placed colonels) to terminate my contract. I went in, tired because I didn't sleep too well last night because of how hot it was, absolutely NOT expecting what was about to hit me.

We went to his office together and sat at his desk. I thought the whole process would be five odd minutes long. He's not the one I knew: he's an entirely new guy and came here recently.

So, why are you resigning, Ms. Hi'iaka?

I have been on medical leave for three weeks, my colonel. I am not going to spend my life on sick leave, so I'd rather... end it here.

And what was the reason for this leave?

I do not want to talk about it.

But you will have to tell me.

I said it, my colonel, I'm sorry but I cannot talk about it.

But you will have to talk about it, because there are events associated with you-

Don't recall how he phrased it but at this point I'm thinking "god no-"

...You have attempted suicide, am I right?

My heart already starts to sink. 

Yes.

You have had an entanglement with first sergeant Hopoe...

Oh God no-

...You fell in love with her, she was not interested, and things culminated into an altercation at the mess hall, around July 7-8...

I didn't just break down into tears, I literally shattered into them. Torture. I just wanted to escape, at this moment, but obviously, you cannot escape such a moment. You're just here. You just have to take it in. Have it thrown into your face just like that.

...and first sergeant Hopoe has allegated that you were harassing her...

"Harassment".

The word. Just that word. It finished me off.

I could not speak. I was so shocked, so beyond shocked, flabbergasted, astounded, the entire world was breaking down under my feet. I could barely mutter that I had not harassed her, but I was shaking, crying, I wondered if I would not just faint from the sheer shock of it. 

***

I can't put the whole conversation, obviously, but he said that she "felt harassed". That he could not validate either "feeling". That "how I felt may be different from what she felt", like, for God's sake...

...like, harassment? You fucking for real? 

How many times did I confront her? Twice. In the span of eight months. I went once in November 2025. I went to her at the June 6 recital. Literally twice. I never went before or after that, before because we were on good terms and I would come by to say hello to the others. 

How many times did I reach out to her via text after she had started icing me out in October? Twice. November 4, 2025 to wish her well for her exam, and May 8, 2026 to literally say "hey, it's been a while, hope you're good, I'm good, take care, see you later".

How many times did I follow her home? I literally have no idea where she lives. I have an inkling but I haven't looked and quite frankly I shouldn't and I am not intending on doing so.

How many times did I follow her to her car? Again, no idea what her car even looks like. Strange thing for someone accused of harassment. Even at the fucking recital I just saw the keys but have not the slightest idea what the corresponding car was. 

How many times did I follow her around when she was icing me out? If we don't count June 6, effectively zero.

Did I reach out to her after she blocked and unblocked? NO. 

Did I ever call her? NO. Absolutely not. 

I did NOT harass her. And I was here, already grappling with the trauma of what happened, and on top of that being painted as the aggressor. The best is that I knew such shit was bound to happen. Why? Because I'm always the fucking scapegoat in any situation. Or because of something way less personal: aggressors and abusers are often the ones who are believed over victims. And for me, I have this track record of not being believed, anyway. There's no way it could change. There's no reason for me to imagine that it's ever going to change. No, I'll always be the problem one. And I'm a woman, looked at by a man. And I'm young. Like.

I cried, and I cried, and I apologized to him. I felt I was making a scene. He said he had no side taken, neither mine nor Hopoe's. That he was not judging. Just handling a professional case.

But for God's sake, it felt like everything was rigged against me. Obviously I got platitudes, I got told to get help, see a doctor, that in the state I was in (crying and shaking) I had to "see a doctor". That I had to calm down. It looks like being shocked, in grief, or just plain broken by something very real, is something to have treated with a doctor. It's a pathology. My colonel, with all my due respect, have you never seen a person properly break down and then calm down?

I told him that anybody in my position would have broken ages earlier. That it made perfect sense for me to be in this state, and that it wasn't a pathology. That people have been suffering from heartbreak, sometimes in a deathly way, for ages, and that nobody batted an eye or tried to paint them as crazy, or to get them committed to some ward.

But if it pushes you to harm yourself, then it is pathological.

Would he say that kind of stuff if I was his own daughter?

Now, Ms. Hi'iaka, I have to tell you that you are forbidden to contact first sergeant Hopoe in any way, to approach her on the territory of this base, and you are forbidden from going into the corridors and offices of any other service than your own. 

Huh, well, I was not really planning on going, anyway. She's the last person I want to see right now.

Since there is an investigation procedure in this case, an officer will come interrogate you and collect your account about it.

Good Lord. Considering I go mute when talking about it, I guess I'll have no choice.

I'll have no choice but to betray Hopoe. Because I can't lie. I'm a terrible liar. And I just do not have the energy to, you know...

The conversation went on with more irreverent stuff. Then at the end, when he finally let me out, he asked if I had any questions.

Will there be any consequences on her career? Will she be okay? I just don't want her to suffer through any of this, I shielded her at all times, hell if she were shot I would've taken the bullet without hesitation-

What consequences would there be, anyway? he said. What consequences?

My heart stopped yet again. I was not over the first shock that this happened. In his mind, was I truly the stalker one?

And whether she'll be okay or not, I cannot tell. Ms Hi'iaka, I am not in any position to say that, this is not my role.

Also... does the no contact rule go both ways?

Yes, it does. So we can separate you two. 

When we left, Hera led me directly to her office. She did not want me to stay alone. I do appreciate it a ton, but she paints the whole thing as a simple "heartbreak", not a fucking soul-shattering thing. She asked me questions about the whole thing. I could answer about the first suicide attempt, recounted the incident with Cassiopeia the day before, and how Hopoe had ambushed me the next day. The first few weeks, the teasing, and the silent treatment. I did not go into detail. I just said roughly what happened.

Hera does not seem to see me as the problem. She tells me to defend myself, to defend my dignity. That such investigations exist so I can do it. I guess that if she did see me as the problem, she wouldn't tell mee that, right?

But there's an annoying thing about Hera: she misunderstands entirely the reason why I sometimes go:

...Well, I don't know if it has happened to you before, but...

But Hi'iaka, how do you know it has not happened to me? You think those things only happen to you?

No, I mean, I'm putting yourself in your shoes. I expect anyone to do so. If you were in the same situation as me...

But Hi'iaka, I am not in the same situation as you, so-

In all, apparently it's wrong or weird to be able to imagine another's perspective and inhabit it, or at least try to? I'm like, but picture yourself doing the same, picture yourself with the same conditions...

I don't know if it's a lack of empathy or intelligence, or just that I work differently, but it's apparently not a common thing. Yet I'm often the one told "put yourself in x's shoes". Like I'm not fucking doing that all the time, yeah.

And to her, what I would be doing would not constitute betrayal.

And of course, I have to "move on", and the positivity stuff, and she revealed that she's a divorcee when I assumed her daughters were from her current marriage, yada yada, you always heal, I did not forget my 20 years of marriage and yet...

Hera. Come on.

I think this world will never quite be good to me, will it?...

***

I went then to plan my move. I gathered my things, checked if I had any relevant emails. Nothing. Theodora was the only one in the office. We barely spoke, though she was not hostile one bit. Just, her pro self. I wish Capella had been here though. Capella...

And then, after some more talking with Hera, I went to say goodbye to everyone. It's August, so a ton are on leave.

Sagitta hugged me and gave me a kiss on the cheek. Vega was here, too. Bless them. I love those two. Sagitta is blunt and says that I will eventually heal but it does not feel like the platitudes I was told. No, I could see in her eyes that she saw how absolutely wrecked I am, and she is not shying away from it. I can't imagine her shying away from anything, at all. Vega said that every now and then I could message them. I could, yes. I want to.

I could say goodbye to Patty, too. To a few other colleagues have not named. The only one I did not say goodbye to was Leonard, fuck this guy. I wish Chara, Blue, Janus, Minerva, Capella, Passiflora, even Dionysus and co were here. 

But they weren't. Sadly. It was a quiet departure for me. But I will be missed. I was told by my colleagues that they'd miss me, and I feel comforted.

***

Hopoe, I'm so sorry, I just don't want to have to tell the whole story.

To paint you as the one who overreacted. 

But my voice has wrecked havoc again.

This time I'm not getting out unscathed. 

...

I guess neither do you.