So, I have to talk about yesterday, and also about today.
Yesterday morning, my period came. It had been late for a good week, and just like last time, it came while I was at the hotel. I'm not sure if it "held off" until I was out of the quarters and "waited" until I was in a neutral place to begin, just like I threw up first evening in the Airbnb when I escaped my father's place in March, but both times it came in the morning after a night in the hotel.
I had eggs and bacon for breakfast out of curiosity. Usually I get a croissant or a pain au chocolat but I saw a guy, a French guy, eating eggs and bacon. Mmh, might try it. I took one of my blue pills alongside my breakfast (ibuprofen derivate, so needs to be taken with food in order not to wreck your stomach), but for some reason, the damn thing never actually worked 100%. The fucking thing literally does what paracetamol does now: work every other time, unpredictably. Like, what kind of painkiller will I have to get now? Opium or something?
But still, I had to go. So I carried on. Keep calm and carry on like the British say.
I took the highway for the second part of my trip, as I always do. The part from Limoges to where I am now is always taken via the highway. I was dreading it as I'm terrified of highways and always have to stop at rest areas because my nerves just give out within a few minutes.
But surprisingly, maybe because of the dissociation, but also maybe because of the antiemetics I took (because anxiety tends to give me nausea, and emetophobia then joins the party and makes it tremendously worse), I managed fine. Even with feeling my uterus cramping, even with the pain in the thighs and in the legs, even with the pain in the ass, too, from sitting for so long, I managed. I didn't have much of an appetite, but again, I managed.
There's one surefire way to tell when I'm feeling uneasy versus when I am relaxed if I drive: my right hand.
I know. This sounds absurd when told like this.
I hold the wheel with my left hand, and my right hand is for gear shifting. But when I'm feeling scared, I grip the seat with said hand. I can grip it pretty tight, even. Or I slap my thigh to pull myself out of zoning out, or I claw at it.
But if I rest it on my thigh, that means I'm relaxed at at ease. And halfway through the journey, though it had been probably going on for a while, I noticed that I had rested my hand. And that it had been this way, for a while.
Me? Relaxed on the highway? Reminding myself that "it's just a road like any other", and thinking back of the snack bar incident with Hopoe and realizing this, and not the fucking highway, was the single most traumatizing thing in my life, so much so that my threat system seems to have recalibrated or that I'm just becoming some kind of psychopath?
Because yes. That's the absurd part: why am I more afraid of a social death, of psychological collapse, of attempting suicide... than of a very real danger to die in a very real potentially life-threatening situation in a very real risky environment?
Because highways, you know. At 100, 110, 130 kilometers per hour... if anything goes wrong, you're toast. Like, really toast. Cars can be as evolved and safe as they are... at this kind of speed, a human body just doesn't survive. Or if it does unscathed, it's by some miracle. One wrong move, one asshole who cuts you off, one black swan and poof. Next thing you know, you spend the rest of your life in a wheelchair, if you're not a goner, that is. I'm painfully aware of this and speed has always been a fear of mine ever since I started to drive, as I might've mentioned here. Even 80km/h was terrifying at the beginning. We are just not designed to go at such speeds.
But humans be humans. Humans be playing God with machines. Except when you're in a ton-heavy metal box going at insane speed, you better sit in here responsibly. Which many people... don't do. If I had a penny for all those nutcases spending the whole journey on the left lane or trying to overtake between two cars...
Anyway, when I came here, I was dead tired. I tried taking more painkillers during the day, alternating between my NSAID and my paracetamol, but it did jack shit. What worked was... enduring it, and burning my belly with a hot water bottle (all endo girls can relate!). I put up some of my decor, I organized my stuff... but I ultimately was done with it this morning. Haven't slept great, but that's fine. I'm still in better shape than yesterday.
***
And now for today, I texted Hera to tell her that I had arrived well. I had actually texted Cepheus yesterday, and also Esme. But I had forgotten about Hera. I also hadn't contacted Capella in a while, thinking that Hera passed her the info about me leaving my post.
I texted her today with a picture of my tattooed arm and my cat cuddling with it.
"Good morning Warrant Officer, I didn't get the chance to say goodbye before I left, but I've made it back to the south… and reunited with my good boy."
"Hello Hi'iaka, I’m glad to hear from you and to know that you've made it back south safely and that you've been reunited with your kitty 😊 However, I’m a bit surprised to hear about you leaving. I thought you were due to stay with us until the end of October. Does that mean you've finally ended up resigning? In any case, I hope you're well and that being back is doing you some good."
"Ah, didn't Hera let you know about this?"
"No, not at all."
"Thought the news had got round, but yes, unfortunately I had to terminate. I figured I wasn't going to spend my life on sick leave, and on top of that, when I went to submit my resignation, I was in for a massive surprise…which makes me think me leaving might not have been the worst thing."
"Oh my. No, I had no idea. I really thought I’d see you when I got back on Tuesday. I'm sorry it ended like that. And your "massive surprise" naturally gets me thinking a bit 😅 but you don't have to talk about it if you don’t want to. If you'd like to explain what happened, please do. In any case, I really hope that your return south will allow you to make a fresh start."
"I came to the Colonel's office, thinking it would take five minutes. Well.. it didn't. He started talking about the suicide attempt and the events leading up to it. And I got the news that I'd been accused of harassment. I'll send you my account because it's a long story and I've never spoken about it before. But I had to write a 30-page account with annexes to prove I wasn't a harasser or a stalker. We went to hand it in to him with Hera. Normally there should be an internal investigation into the matter, but I haven't heard anything yet"
"Thank you for sending me your account. I'll take the time to read it properly, because I'm just realizing that all of this is much more complex than I could've imagined. But above all, take care of yourself now. That really is the most important thing. A chapter is coming to an end, and I hope that will allow you to start a new one with much greater peace of mind. And if, when I'm back at work, I have any information about this that I can share, I'll let you know. Enjoy your time back in the south and your little cat, and do let me know."
"I never mentioned it because I couldn't bring myself to, but in the weeks leading up to it, I was thinking about telling you, but well... again, I just couldn't bring myself to do it."
The name of Hopoe was still at the edge of my fingers. I typed it out, but I... deleted it. I still, to this day, cannot tell her name.
I still replied:
"And of course, we get on well as people, so keeping in touch is perfect! Thank you very much😊"
"You’re welcome 😊 And now you can go informal with me, the professional setting is over 😄 I understand why you couldn't bring yourself to talk to me about it before; these are things that aren't easy to talk about."
So, now Warrant Officer Capella is now just Capella. Neat. But honestly I'm very glad. In this service, at least, I found some really good ones. I found Esme, found Capella, even Hera despite the fact I'm not sure I could ever go informal with her in general... and I still have Cepheus... and I might hit up Sagitta or Vega sometime...
Still, there's one thing: I wish I could've kept Cygnus. Or Austral. Or Libra. Cetus, too. I don't know whether Cassiopeia will ever talk to me again... though I don't have a feeling she blames me. More that she's ashamed as fuck.
Hopoe, well. I think this is going to always be a complex one. I can't imagine her being completely gone but as things stand, Hopoe is in the shadows. Hiding. It feels like I've got a charred object in my hands but that underneath the burned exterior, there's a big chance that there is still colour. But the thing is, I'm not allowed to rub it out of the ash.
I wish I could've known Berenice better. I only had the chance to talk to her once.
I didn't even get the chance to say goodbye to Malva, Steph, Bellatrix... all the while I loved all three. It all went so fast. Also to the ones who were on leave in my service. Blue, Chara... Minerva... Dionysus, only Theodora was there.
But I've carried Capella, Esme, and Cepheus through the fire, at least.
***
Also, I've received the documents for registering at Hikianalia's school. You wanna know the funny thing? She's preggers with her third child! They're due for February... but this is going to be some interesting times.
I do hope I'll find friends in my dance class, too. That I'll be as liked as I was in my service back there at the quarters...
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