Prolongated leave

 So, I saw the doctor today. She prolongated me until August 14. 

She asked if they didn't prescribe me any treatment at the ER. I said that I don't want antidepressants. She says that they can help you "blunt" yourself to life. That, in other words, they can help you build a wall as to not be as emotionally affected anymore and be able to function. That a psychological/psychiatric followup would be good for me. Except if I'm not willing to touch those with a ten foot pole ever again, what am I? I can already smell the pathologization from a mile away.

I've spent my whole damn life blunting myself, have only started to recently not be as blunt and accept I have literal tides as emotions, and I'm basically told that I'd have to blunt it back all over again. That I'd need to "get help" and "see someone" as if I'm the fucking problem all over again. 

I'm in immense suffering, yes. But is it such a bad thing? Who would not be in immense suffering if they had been in my shoes, honestly? And I'm not just talking about the whole ordeal with Hopoe, I'm talking, my life in totality. Who, just who would not feel like they are hanging by a thread? 

I know she has good intentions but there's no way. That would be putting me on medication to "correct" a "defect". It would also make me dependent on it. Because if I start taking this to "function", then it would be socially unacceptable to discontinue the treatment. And don't get me started on withdrawals, on iatrogenic disorders... 

I don't know, it reminds me of this scene in Bojack Horseman where Beatrice's mother Honey, who was in terrible grief from losing her son to war (and on top of that not ever being supported or heard by her husband Joseph) gets a lobotomy.

"What's broken in the heart can never be repaired, but the brain, well, there are all sorts of science for the brain! She's a brand new woman now, and she'd like to meet you very much..."

Honey is honestly a character I relate the most to, from her acting out when in grief, to... the whole lobotomy thing. You have several scenes prior to her breakdown and Joseph doesn't ever comfort her. Beatrice is too young to do so. She's quite literally unheard, treated as hysterical, when what she has gone through is something that would break anyone: the loss of her beloved son in a truly horrific way.

That said, I feel that... my end here is soon. Given that I'm not even sure if my doctor would prolongate me again... perhaps, I dont know. Perhaps I should think of ending my contract altogether. I just don't want to leave what I've been building, but what else is there to do anyway? 

I just feel like I'm regressing and this idea is fucking killing me, but eventually I'll have to break my own stalemate. I can't stay in this "have your cake and eat it too" situation. And I feel either decision will probably be the wrong one anyway. I don't even know if I'm capable of making a good decision, at all. If all I do leads to more pain and disappointing everyone else around me...