Tatau

 There it is, I got tattooed by Tane this evening. We spent five hours on it.

Five. Hours.

Two and a half just drawing. I had sent him the whole ass story of Hopoe but unfortunately he did not have time to read it all, so I had to recount him, helping myself with my written account. It was choppy, I was feeling lightheaded the whole time and I was genuinely afraid I would faint doing so.

But he said nothing. He did not tell me anything about Hopoe. He did not tell me anything about me. He just... listened while he was freehanding the tattoo's outline on me. "Okay", "Mh-hm". 

Had it been anybody else, I'm pretty sure I would've got thrown some psychology in the face.

By the way, he's still with the festival girl, and surprise surprise, she totally clocked me as gay. She apparently has only dated girls before him and is teaching ori tahiti to teenagers in her association. Looking a bit through Facebook out of curiosity, and out of the typical Hi'iaka urge to sleuth around... I found out she's not ten, twelve, or fifteen years younger than him. 

She's TWENTY years his junior. She's five years younger than me! I knew we were close in age, but.. Tane, dude! She could be your daughter!

(That said, if you're happy, that's all that counts, ain't gonna judge)

You wanna know the best thing? If I can stay here and go into Hokulea's group, I might meet her in a deeper way. She doesn't know yet which group she will pick, but if I do end up staying here and it's Hokulea's she picks... then, we might get to know each other better.

That said, Tane is a friend to me now. For good. Like, even with my usual reserve, dude actually said he wanted to text me right before I came to visit yesterday. To suggest we do something, sometime. Have a drink or whatever. I always am careful before considering someone a friend because I never quite know if I'm perceiving things correctly. Just too many times when I was younger, I've had people act nice to me, only to realize... they were being assholes behind my back, or that I never meant all that much to them...

But, yeah. Tane? He's safe. I hope I'm not perceiving inaccurately.

We had a light dinner together between the sketching and the actual tattooing. I was almost tempted to comment on something to fill the silence.

You see. I'm one to talk your ear off when there's silence. I have to fill it with most people because I sense there's awkwardness. I don't know if it's me being awkward or if it's the other person doing so, and me picking up on it and then starting to talk because I sense that if I don't, they might see me differently. Or perhaps, it's a way to distract them. To, in a kind of paradoxical way, draw their attention... off me. If I am asking questions, if I am pointing out stuff, or talking about whatever, they will probably not have the time to think as to whether they truly want me around or if they want me to fuck off right there.

But when we took our sandwiches out, even as I noticed Tane's guitar, I chose not to speak. Not only that, but it felt oddly comfortable. I guess I am indeed warming up to him. From the first tattoo he did on me in March, he had suggested I come by every now and then to have coffee, but I never did. Not just because I was in the south, but also because I was either afraid of bothering him (which, I guess, as you understand... I'd rather be shot than be a bother to anyone lol), or I just did not have any bandwidth left to even talk to anyone, let alone grab my balls and knock on a door.

It reminds me of what I felt with Esme. I did not have to talk with her, either. I sometimes do fill the silence, but that day after my suicide attempt when she invited me to spend time, only revealing later into the hangout that she didn't actually come for the football match, but simply to have a place to hang out with me in, I felt that indeed, she was safe. She still is so dry in texting, and never really reaches out, but I don't know. I just have no doubt that I do mean something to her, and that probably, just like me... she's not the type to text. 

For me, I'd probably reach out to people more if I wasn't so deathly afraid of being intrusive. I'd still be head-deep into whatever I'm doing 90% of the time, but the remaining 10%, I'd text or call. Esme isn't as sociable as I am, and certainly not as demonstrative.

Interestingly enough, both Tane and Esme have heavy Virgo placements, which, if they are anywhere after 9 degrees Virgo, sit in my twelfth house. Tane has his Sun and Mercury (that one at 0° Virgo, just like my Mars at 0° Aquarius!) there. Esme has her Venus and Ascendant in Virgo. I seem to have a thing for Virgo placements even though I hardly meet Virgo-heavy people. If talking Earth signs, I get a hell of a lot of trouble with Taurus (cusp in my eighth house), and I have a huge love for Capricorn placements (which hit either my late third house, or my fourth house, if not conjunct my Imum Coeli). 

I mean, Hopoe is a Capricorn Sun-Neptune-Mercury... and an ex of mine was Capricorn rising. Cygnus also is Capricorn rising, Uranus and Neptune. (And, just checked, dude also has a Virgo moon... so does Cass.)

But anyway, I've got my Hopoe tattoo now. I wish I could show it here, because it's hella beautiful, but that would be doxxing myself. It's pretty cleverly placed in the sense that you can't quite see there's much of anything if you only see the back of my arm, but if I turn the inside of it towards you, or just unfold it forward... you see the hidden story of the frangipani and tiare apetahi.

I'm sleepy, good night.