Sorry?

 Sooo... yesterday, I got an email from my advisor. I hadn't heard of the lady in a long time, ever since my suicide attempt.

It appears that at my old service (where Hera is), they're looking for two contract workers and one of them could end up in an indefinite duration contract (the famous CDI). I'm likely to be chosen for that if I do apply, except it feels a bit too premature to come back there. Like for God's sake, I drove 500km A WEEK AGO. And the contract is a month long only! No guarantee of getting indefinitely hired. And I think this is for titular personnel anyway, not contract workers like me... though I could be wrong.

Stupid timing though. I literally leave because I have no guarantee of being able to stay and the uncertainty is too much to bear, and barely a couple weeks later I get this thrown in my face. Damn that was really worth uprooting my whole life, was it.

I could've danced with Hokulea! Though Hikianalia looks good too. And I can't wait for tonight.

But anyway, I replied:

"Hello Madam,

I hadn't thought of letting you know, but following a traumatic incident involving someone from outside my department within [base] (which led to my hospitalization from 8 to 9 July), I spent three weeks on sick leave, wondering how I was going to manage going forward, and then I finally chose to terminate my contract [in my service] on August 14, telling myself that I wasn’t going to spend my life on sick leave, that there’s already a hole in the social security system and that there was no way I was going to contribute to it.

It wasn’t just that: I was generally exhausted and my role in the unit hadn’t been stimulating me for some time. I had figured it out all within a month and a half and after that, I started to get bored. What’s more, the move to the new building, which is much more cramped, wore me out in only a few weeks. Six people in total in a tiny office. In the old one, I had at least high ceilings, but in the new one, they’re low.

I returned to the South on the afternoon of August 22. Returning to [city] seems premature at the moment given my condition, although the offer of a possible extension to an indefinite duration contract at the end of the new contract is very tempting.

That said, do you have any information on which part of the service one of the two contracts is in?

Kind regards,

Hi'iaka"

And then, the evening passed. 

This morning I get up and open my emails. I get this reply.

"Hello Ms. Hi'iaka,

We do not have this information available. The recruiter is looking for candidates with the right skills for two roles within the [service] department. Our organisation’s role is to put forward candidates with the skills required for these posts.

Given that you have worked for this department on several occasions, I would suggest you contact Hera or Mr. Civilian Personnel HR Guy [he doesn't play a sufficient role for me to name him] directly with any questions regarding the two positions, should you be considering applying or wish to receive further information about the working environment.

Furthermore, as you have mentioned during our sessions that you experience general fatigue on a daily basis, I would urge you to carefully assess your own ability to take on a full-time administrative role. Indeed, it might be wiser to consider applying for part-time or adapted roles, such as those designated as for disability holders, for example, for which you are eligible as a holder of this status. Thus, if you choose to apply for this type of role, it will open up more employment opportunities and help improve how you feel about your health.

As we have already discussed, I can only recommend once again that you contact [employment structure for disabled people], which will be able to support you in finding suitable roles and help you benefit from all the support they offer in this regard.

For this, I would ask you to contact the structure that is in your local area.

Thank you in advance for your understanding.

I wish you a speedy recovery.

Kind regards."

I'm fighting my hardest not to tell her to go fuck herself. 

I'm also still hurt over this distant tone. I still remember when she used to be warmer towards me, and how it just... went cold once I started expressing how desperate I was after failing my professional exam. There was a "before failure" and "after failure". How her tone changed. How it was never the same.

How it absolutely doesn't make me want to talk to her at all anymore. Even for pro matters. If I sense that you go cold on me after having been previously warm, I close off. If you can blow hot and cold like that I just don't trust you anymore.

My ability to hold on a full-time job?? Are you fucking serious?? I've had a ridiculous pileup of stress packed in a few months, I was already recovering from living in an abusive home for more than a year, and even fucking Capella was worried about the new building office being cramped considering how small it is!! I had a fucking shelf fall over me that could've killed me, I had a double diagnosis of endometriosis and adenomyosis that understandably are emotionally loaded for me and plus dealing with the disease itself, I had two fucking historical heatwaves happening back to back while I was living in a room that was trapping heat, I've had major relationship tensions that had been here for months and that finally exploded in a way that broke me permanently, and I AM THE DISABLED ONE? 

It's always fucking easier to say Hi'iaka is the problem, isn't it?

Because normal people can just be in a 6-person cramped open space and not feel absolutely terrible? Because that's not objectively terrible working conditions especially when it's hot? Because being the youngest in your office isn't shitty enough on its own when your friend has been transferred, but also because when you want to close the fucking window nobody listens to you up until Capella is the one to ask? Because having been unjustly accused of harassment by the woman you love, finding out she likely did that to try and get herself transferred to run the F away from the shame of having nearly killed you, from the loss of her image, because having been gaslit by the people you considered family is somehow making me the disabled one??

I could hear my mother here. How during my NEET period, she said that I was disabled and that I would not be able to "work full-time right at the start", that I would "need accomodations", or that "part-time would be better for me".

Or how she was obsessed with the idea I had Aspergers' when I was 13, avoiding eye contact because I just didn't want to see anyone and I was already carrying a load that no young one of this age should carry, all the while I had been normally socializing in childhood (though apparently the fact I "let my friends do bad things to me" and "didn't see that they did bad" was a weird thing, and not me acknowledging I was hurt but just letting it pass because I figured there was nothing else I could do and it took me a LOT to get mad at someone then?). Again. Easier to paint Hi'iaka as the crippled one than recognize she's been objectively having it shitty her whole life. 

And then all my jobs were full-time. Limited in time. But full-time nonetheless. More than 35 hours a week. And I managed. I managed so well that I was hired twice within both structures (the port and the military), that in my recent contract I fucking caught up on a months old backlog at my old service. I only burned out when it turned out I didn't have to look for the missing documents myself, but instead had to ask colleagues to go look for them, effectively turning my mission to very repetitive and unstimulating work of "are all docs here? yes, no, if no, ask around, receive document, put paper on Capella's desk, put folder in archive, next". 

Yes I'm fucking crippled. But not because of my head or my body.

I think ANYONE in my position would've been crippled, and it's a fucking miracle I still have a survival instinct at this point and just didn't go straight for more lethal methods when Hopoe attacked me. 

But no, apparently, I should "look for adapted positions" like I'm too fucking retarded to hold on a full-time job.

Go eat shit. I refuse to even reply to you. If I do I'm just going to hurl abuse and I don't do this to workers.