Hikianalia

There it is, I've met Hikianalia. I've also more or less got acquainted with four other women from my group. Don't know how old they are... but I will refer to them as Vela, Puppis, Carina, and Argo. This quartet is from a town that's a bit far away from here. Meanwhile, I live just fifteen minutes from the dance school. Their entries in the name directory will be filled as I get to know them better, but I should see them on Tuesday. They are going to do two classes a week, one intermediate-advanced and one beginner, because they have some planning troubles.

Not gonna lie, I spent the whole day, and especially afternoon, anticipating anxiously. I just would not feel good up until I would've met Hikianalia and given my papers for registration. I was so nervous I was nauseous and took an antiemetic before dinner. It doesn't help that my period is taking a bit of time to actually end. Been having some nasty cramps and bits of brown blood still coming, a week after it started. This month's cycle seems to have been particularly painful, but again... given what I've gone through, is it any surprising? 

I took my car and went there. I was nervous, very nervous. I knew that it was probably going to be a matter of getting easy. But I kept getting Hopoe in my mind. Dance and Hopoe are inevitably intertwined, and by dancing, I felt that I would be reliving the trauma, despite it not having happened in a dancing-related environment at all (save, maybe, for the recital, but that just wasn't the worst part). 

I waited only for a few minutes with the others before a tiny, but massive woman came. Hikianalia. I knew how she looked like, but to know how someone looks like and then seeing them in real life are two different things. I knew she would be short and stocky, and that her pregnant belly would be visible, and I had heard her voice already, but I had never heard it in a space. I had never felt her presence for real. It really takes meeting someone to get a vibe.

There were quite a lot of us here. The room was small, for some reason she didn't have us practice in the bigger room. But that's okay, it was fun. And there's something really cool: Hikianalia doesn't just teach ori tahiti. She also teaches other Polynesian dances, including... hula! And this will be important later.

Vela was the one to talk to me first. She had a massive frangipani flower on her ear. Then came Carina, who seems to be forgetful of a lot of things but kinda chilled, the big Argo who is apparently the most experienced of the four and also has a tatau on her arm, and Puppis with her pretty green eyes. I think Puppis may be from Reunion or something. She definitely is mixed white-creole of something, but it really gave Reunionese vibes. I'll ask her, anyway.

I told Vela that I had three workshops, including one in Toulouse. She asked me with whom. I told her it was with a teacher I will refer to as Nalani. Paumotu girl, a little younger than me, who wanted to open a dance school in Toulouse... except it appears that perhaps those plans fell through, because at the moment, she's in the East. It's that workshop in which I did my first fa'arapu, but also I came thirty minutes late and I blew a fucking tire trying to park. It was a fairly memorable one.

I was nauseous as fuck, though the antiemetic would make sure I would not barf in the middle of the room. Plus it was hot and stuffy in here. For some reason nobody thought about turning on the four air conditioners. 

But the minute we started doing the tamau... the nausea eased. Just like that, it was gone. It would only come back during the parts where we did nothing, but I'm pretty sure it was anxiety + endometriosis.

Suddenly, I was happy. I was not as fired up as when guys beat the to'ere, but I was happy. I was dancing. 

"Ah."

Just that. This little word captures how I felt.

"Ah."

We did fairly basic stuff, but that was fine. It was merely the "open doors day". 

***

Now, what would I say about Hikianalia, who is the most important part of this entry? 

She's very flexible, fairly laid-back. Loves to crack jokes, even on her weight. She introduced herself at the beginning. "I'm Hikianalia, I'm married to a boy who is here, a Frenchman, I have two children, seven and five... I am pregnant", nothing that I have not discovered yet, but it was sort of funny having her say all of that when secretly, I already knew. 

When I intuited that she has great compassion, I think I got it right. She said that we can talk to her anytime, that she isn't curious or prying about her students' personal life, but that she was here to listen.

She always says "I'm nice". Said it three or four times. Hah. 

Indeed she is nice. Indeed she is chill about planning, she is ready to adapt, she is always ready to adjust because everyone here is an adult and she, herself, has a pretty busy life.

Between her two, soon to be three kids, two things she's doing outside of the dance school (one of which I know to be her missionary activities in the Church of the Latter-Day Saints, the other one... probably a job?), she is well aware that sometimes you're not always up to doing things or that your schedule just may be packed. And she's pregnant, so sometimes she may just take a little break during classes.

She's basically very much adaptable. And sweet. That's undeniable. To her, dancing is not just a physical discipline, but also an emotional one, and she expects everyone to be implicated and committed to the practice. In all, we have a similar view of the practice. It seems that she is safe to be around, though obviously, I'm... wary of actually saying she is. Again, I will say something about this at the end.

But. And this is a hard but.

I would absolutely never take advantage of her kindness if I were ANYONE. I don't know why, but I have a feeling that if she's ever crossed, she wouldn't willingly make your life hell à la Hopoe, but she'd probably be so firm that you wouldn't do it twice. I just wouldn't want to mess with her in any way. 

Beware of the nice ones. If you think you can get away with shit, you find out easily that you can't.

And... you know? It's weird to say, but if anyone were to cross her, I'd retaliate in private, myself. Not so much to protect Hikianalia, she doesn't need to be protected. But I'd retaliate because you don't fuck with people who are kind.

*** 

That said, after the end, and once my turn came to talk to her, I told her that I had endo and that while it's not a counter-indication proper, I might get a bit tired during practice. She said that she gets it, some of her students have the same illness, and that it was okay if every now and then I couldn't attend. That I should just text her to give her a heads-up, which I would do anyway out of decency. 

I also told her that I am a bit hard with trust as I'm just out of a pretty terrible period in my life, and that I may take a while to open up. She gets it. She's not going to judge.

Also, very good thing, my classes are on Tuesday evenings and Thursday evenings, but I don't have to stick to just one of those days: I can come on either. Again, if anything in my usual pattern changes, I will tell her just so she knows. 

***

It's weird, but I feel, deep down, a sense of safety that I might not have felt with Hokulea. 

If you put them side by side, you can see how opposite they are. You get tall and thin, airy and fiery Hokulea, on one side. Married, but might be trans, and has no children. She has an airy voice that kind of undulates. She feels dramatic. And mostly... she gives me a very cliquish vibe. I mean she's the type of person to post targeted messages on Facebook, towards her former friends who were talking shit about her, alongside a photo of a mug she happened to take in her cupboard that says "sorry that I'm perfect". Hopoe even commented on said post. Like I wouldn't be surprised if Hokulea loved unicorns too and was the type to hide behind pride when really, I'd come in DM and say "Hokulea. Admit you're fucking hurt. No shame. Anybody would have their heart broken by this".

Hikianalia is small. Stout. If she were Hokulea's size, she'd be impressively massive, but her massiveness is low, and she just gives me the impression of a large ball. She has a voice that is much "rougher", even if not hoarse or anything. It just feels like a rough diamond. She's earthy, with perhaps water and fire somewhere. But she's younger, a mother, and doesn't give me the impression that she is cliquish at all. She's... weirdly nurturing. For sure I wouldn't expect her to mother me (we only have a few years of age gap!), but... she feels more mature and reliable than Hokulea, who is a teacher, yes, but it feels like her students are also her friends, and potentially there could be a bit of a divide between "who is part of the Hokulea clique and who is not".

Hikianalia feels more like a teacher who has a community of students and makes sure to nurture them, on the other hand. I just would not expect her to act like a middle schooler past the age.

I wonder if she'd like Hopoe at all. Again, at the end...

Considering I'm very sensitive to being part of the "clique", due to bullying at school and being the kind of kid that's picked last, called creepy and scary, rumoured to sleep with knives and to use period blood to draw (when I simply experimented once with a cut on my finger), I think perhaps joining Hokulea would've been premature. And I have a feeling something with the ginger girl specifically could've sparked. 

***

Either way. The surprise at the end is...

...that Hikianalia knows Hi'iaka.

I actually told her that it was cool we would also do hula amongst all those dances, because I would live up to my online nickname, which is Hi'iaka. 

She seemed to love it. Said that she'd remember it for later. 

I've known my dance teacher for a goddamn hour and she already knows about my hidden identity, and she seems to love the idea.

I guess that she probably knows about the part of the legend that is about Hopoe. If indeed I can confide in her, I will maybe tell her about "my Hopoe".

About the fact I had a Hopoe. I did have a lover who taught me how to dance, even if indirectly (since she's sparked the dancing thing for me out of curiosity), and that she turned to stone. It was not the work of my sister Pele. It's her who, one day, turned into stone, and did not just do that: she turned into stone and sharp spikes started to come out of her, and that I never knew why.

And that forever, she lives in the pearl on my neck, and in the tattoo on my right arm, and that... I don't know. Inside of me, I do want to meet her again. When she's changed. When karma has blown up in her face and given her a dose of reality, and that all I want is to depart with her. Con te partirò. 

Ah, also! I will tell her about my novel. If she happens to know anyone who likes to read, or if she likes to read, herself... but that's gonna be in a bit. 

***

Either way... I'll give it time. But weirdly enough, this looks like something potentially healing for me. Yes, I'm careful about saying that, because people have seemed plenty safe, and then turned out not to be.

But Hikianalia... she looks safe. Ultimately I'll be proven right or wrong, but if I'm proven right, she could become a major figure of my personal history.

To think all of this was a dilemma, at first.

To think she may not know Hokulea at all, and yet she's rising alongside her in my skies.

***

To Hikianalia, to Vela, to Puppis, to Carina, to Argo, and to everyone else I have not met or talked to yet, see you on Tuesday.